Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

[Picle]

MN posters say “just leave”.
Yes I could just leave with nothing but the clothes on my back. But then I would lose everything,, and have nowhere to go. I have no friends and distant, unsupportive family.
I would lose my home.
I would lose my business that I have spent 15 years building and that is my only source of income.
I would lose a vehicle (because it’s in his name).
I’d lose my phone (again in his name).
I would lose my cats becauss I wouldn’t have a way to keep them.
I’d lose all my belongings unless I can find a way to put and pay for storage.

So how do you leave and not lose everything???

I'm deeply sorry for the awful predicament you find yourself in. I think you need to contact something like Women's Aid to see what your best way forward is.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. 😢 I see posters saying just leave and think realistically how easy is that

Can you think long term and start hiding some money to formulate an escape plan? Are children involved? Xx

I’m sorry op and it’s very hard, especially with pets. Some charities will take on the pets and care for them until accommodation is sorted.
I would go and make an appointment with your local authority and explain the situation.

Someone will be along soon with better advice.

This is why it’s so important to have your own money and independence.

I don’t think “just leave” is the common response, most posters are far more nuanced than that.

Is he abusive, or is it just an unhappy relationship where he’s the higher earner and owns the car and pays the phone bill etc?

You have a business: can you begin putting any savings away? Even if just small amounts, if too much money not coming through the business would attract his suspicion? Can you look for a part time job on the side?

The phone might seem like a huge issue, but you can sort out your own (cheap) phone and contract and even port your phone number to it, then it doesn’t matter that he pays the bill for the old one. A car - back to the above, can you save anything, just so you can get yourself a cheap runaround to sort you until you get away properly?

Edited to add: I know it’s hard, and I’ve been in a very similar position years ago. No abuse, just an unhappy relationship and a poorly paying job. Had left all my old friends behind in London to move to Scotland. But I took the plunge to move back. I did have to leave my home; leave my belongings; leave my cats; I had a cheap little car, and that was a huge help. I applied for jobs and had ti get to interviews from 300-odd miles away. It was fucking hard. But the alternative - staying, being so unhappy - was worse. I did it. I’ve never regretted it. You can find the strength and do it, you need to believe in yourself and that you can do it as much as anything.

I know and have many regrets about this.

No children involved.

As someone who kicked out their exh, I think most MN posters understand that you can't "just leave" - that it's not that simple. I think most people understand that you need to get your ducks in a row before making the jump.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I hope you are able to leave if and when you can.

Go back to those posters and tell them you will be at within the hour!
Don't listen to them! They don't live in reality.
They are advising you to do something they wish they could do.

Plan your escape, make it as quick as you possibly can, whether it's 6 months or 9 x

If you have no children to worry about, you can 'just leave'.

If you refuse to leave, then acknowledge your need to go, and start planning.

Yes yes yes
Love my hubby, got such a good one.
However, I earn my own money, have my own car, my own phone, everything.
I owe no one anything.

I don't get why anyone lets anyone else be the author of their life.

I just left and went to a women's refuge until the divorce was sorted, one child. Staying was intolerable. I had to give up my well paid job in order to get legal aid. I worked again after the divorce was done but it was the only choice I had at the time.

Who is the main driver on the insurance? Are you married?

It's about getting your ducks in a row. Get a business phone set up now and change the number on your business contacts (just say you need to separate it off). You can contact the network and ask the retain the number but you need court orders etc so it will be easier to just change it.

If you're married wait till he's at work pack up the car and go, it's a joint asset. If not hire a van for £40 pack up the van and go. Pick up a £500 fiat 500 to tide you over.

How does this help the OP current situation?

Start building your exit plan. "Tidy the house" into grabbable entities. Paperwork, passports etc to be sorted into one easy to find folder/box, if you leave in a hurry don't pack, grab the laundry basket. It sounds stupid but if your laundry basket is full grab that (or the contents thereof), it can all be washed, there will be more in there than faffing round the wardrobes. Even better if when you are helpfully tidying the house you've sorted the laundry baskets into one for you and the kids, one for him...
Open a credit card and a bank account in your name only, get something like Monzo which is all virtual and no post into your house. If you do leave in a hurry, find a premier inn or similar for a night, then go to the council/call out of hours at a weekend the next morning.

It can be done, it has been done, you can do it.

"If you're married wait till he's at work pack up the car and go, it's a joint asset. If not hire a van for £40 pack up the van and go. Pick up a £500 fiat 500 to tide you over."

But just go where?

I did just leave.

10 years ago, with the clothes on my back, and the children's and I built myself back up from nothing.

I managed to scramble together a deposit for a rental property, free second hand household items and furniture off Facebook.

It was the hardest few years of my life, but I'm bloody proud of myself for getting out!

I'm now married again, and will never put myself in the position of not having anything for myself. My DH is great and a wonderful man.

Can you prepare to leave ? Is it safe enough to save and prepare to leave ? Is the car in his name for a reason ? Are you able to change this , who pays for it ? How is your financial situation ?

It was many many years ago and I didn’t own a car or have pets. Mobile phones weren’t a thing back then. However, I did have 3 young children and I did walk out with nothing other than the clothes on our backs, because he’d have been suspicious if I’d taken anything else at all. We walked for about a mile and my then 6 year old son said, ‘are we safe now mummy?’ I knew leaving like that was the only thing I could have done.
Sometimes it is the only thing you can do, but if things aren’t that bad, then yes get things in order and leave once you have.

Other than the business, I did this and left one night leaving everything behind. Stayed with a friend for a few weeks. Borrowed money for rent deposit. Bought second hand stuff. It was hard. But it's doable.

Do you have Friends or family op? Can you Couch surf if possible until you figure something out? Is there anyone who can give you a loan of money to tide you over or can you get money out?

For the cats you can google Lifeline at Cats Protection who will arrange a foster for your cats while you get sorted. I was a fosterer for this programme and it was an absolutely pleasure to look after someone’s cats and to help them out.

You leave by starting to gather information and making a plan. Good luck - thinking of you

I think you need to start working your way 1 by 1 through each point in your list and see if you can resolve each one, it may take a while but it might be doable

You say you gave a business, are you making much money from that?
Can you build it up a bit to increase income?

Why would you loose your business if you left?

OP I'm sorry this is your situation. I just left and it was hard. I moved into a refuge and waited for a home. I left everything behind and every other day, I regretted my decision. I had no home, no garden. no job, was far from family, friends and everything I knew. Plus I was grieving the death of my sister. But I don't regret it for a second!!! As what we have now was so worth the struggle of leaving.

There are centres specifically set up for the temporary rehoming for pets- for owners who are dealing with domestic abuse.

Certain banks give a fund to help with flee costs. I wasn't aware at the time, but you can always find out.

Is your business something that can be done remotely or outsourced, whilst you're trying to figure your life out.

Don't worry about storage. It's hard to say, but the belongings just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Your life is worth so much more.

For me I always thought I don't want to be remembered as a statistic, or a shrine on a photo wall, album or in a phone. I wanted to live and not lose my life at the hands of a loser.

There's so much help out there- seek it out. It will be hard- I can't lie. But everything can be gained again, only this time it comes with a strong sense of freedom, peace and no stress. Give yourself a chance. You've got this!!!