Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

[Picle]

MN posters say “just leave”.
Yes I could just leave with nothing but the clothes on my back. But then I would lose everything,, and have nowhere to go. I have no friends and distant, unsupportive family.
I would lose my home.
I would lose my business that I have spent 15 years building and that is my only source of income.
I would lose a vehicle (because it’s in his name).
I’d lose my phone (again in his name).
I would lose my cats becauss I wouldn’t have a way to keep them.
I’d lose all my belongings unless I can find a way to put and pay for storage.

So how do you leave and not lose everything???

Cat’s Protection and Refuge have cat fostering schemes for those fleeing domestic abuse. Probably still tricky if you are in a situation where it would make things more dangerous if your partner realised you were planning to leave.

Is he very controlling and domineering? Is that why even your phone is registered in his name?

Could your self employed income support you?

It is not just MN posters who say that. My good friend listened to her family and left a man she was in a relationship with (he was a serial cheater, not a wife beater). Overnight her standard of living went downhill. Yes, he was told by the court to sell his huge house and give her half the money to buy a new house and she did and it was awful and then he asked his accountant to show all the right figures so he would pay a pathetic amount and their child had to go to a horrible school and every payment was a struggle (he is self-employed, and out of wickedness he went on long professional development and training courses in California and bought new equipment, so his profit legitimately came to zero). It is still a mess.

Can you give a little more detail about your situation, OP? You don’t need to share too much or reveal your specific location, but there may well be posters aware of groups in your region who support women in whatever situation you’re in that means you want to leave, pet fostering arrangements, charities which help people furnish accommodation if they have nothing etc.

If you are not in immediate danger by staying then I would say you should make steps to leave - so organise a phone, change the car situation, organise your business so it is independent of him and work through your finances etc.

Not having children to consider gives you a big advantage in terms of being able to leave.

Are you safe? If you are, then working on a plan to gain some independence and leave would be the most sensible thing to do.

If you are in actual danger, then you need to seek help immediately...

Bloody hell. With respect, you are as smug as you are ignorant.

I agree, the 'just leave': commonly spouted as 'leave the bastard', ignores the fact that many women are not financially, emotionally, or practically able to leave.

You can plan by squirelling away money gradually, and you can get a cheap SIM and phone from giff gaff for example. If feasible, you could hire a storage unit and slowly move things over.

Yes, I understand that! But it’s hard to figure out how to get housing on an anonymous internet forum with limited specific details. The advice and emotional support I envisage is going through the options (including housing options and ways to increase income) available for this person, making a plan, helping to execute that plan.

I have known people very slow to leave a bad relationship because they have “nowhere to go” but actually they do have options eg staying with friends, moving into a house share, they just don’t like those options. Coming to terms with reality is easier with emotional support.

It depends how bad things are really doesn't it. If he's being physically violent and your life is literally in danger then yes I would say just leave because you can replace everything else but your life not so much.
If it's more that you're unhappy or he's emotionally abusive then you could make a plan first and leave when you are in a better position.
What I would say is life is too short to waste being unhappy. Like if you knew you had only a year to live would you leave in a heartbeat and enjoy the time you had left? If it's a yes then just do it.

I have to say that I often wonder how people get themselves into this predicament where they are entirely dependent on another person.

I was brought up being taught the importance of always having your own money, own bank account, own savings etc. There's no reason why women need to be entirely dependent on a man in 2025.

Context is important.

If he is abusive then yes, just leave, because all of those things you've listed mean so much less than your physical and emotional safety and can, over time, be replaced.

Thanks but that doesn't really help me at the moment.

It might help others who are reading this thread, before they allow themselves to become dependent.

Oh, OP.

Firstly; are you safe? Will your life be in danger if you wait?

If not, work through what you need to do quietly, step by step.

You answer your own question.

Many women are not brought up being taught those things, many women reenact the lives their mum had. There are many reasons why women end up in abusive relationships and there are several very ignorant posters on this thread.

Ive never been in an abusive relationship but I have the emotional capacity and critical thinking to understand some of the very complicated reasons why women end up in them.

Can you tell us a bit about what's going on OP? Are you being physically abused?

It just comes across smug and patronising, and doesn’t help OP

People don't mean "just leave" with the clothes on your back unless you're in immediate life threatening danger.

If you aren't then you have time to plan or seek advice. Like asking here and finding out about charities that take pets, speaking to citizens advice, phoning a charity etc.

Don't beat yourself up about this OP, I know alot of people who don't have their own money and independence ( through circumstances) who aren't being abused and need to get out.
Take care and please seek the advice offered by many on here

Why would you lose your business if you left him?

Or would you need to flee the area entirely?

If you have your own income and a business, is he limiting your access to your own accounts? Could you squirrel any money aside?

SPOT ON!

Insensitive, unnecessary post that demonstrates complete lack of insight and understanding into some peoples' situations

I think people that grew up with regular, supportive families really struggle to genuinely empathize with those of us that have families that can’t or won’t support us. I grew up very poor and so my family have never been able to provide any financial support or a home to go to with my children and it’s so isolating and keeps you stuck in situations even if they aren’t ideal. My friends all have friends that have finically supported them, provided home deposits, would have them home in a heartbeat if they needed to leave a bad situation. I’m so sorry OP but just wanted to let you know that I get it. I often think I’d have left my husband if I had a supportive family and somewhere to go.

Brilliant insightful post, thank you