Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

[Picle]

MN posters say “just leave”.
Yes I could just leave with nothing but the clothes on my back. But then I would lose everything,, and have nowhere to go. I have no friends and distant, unsupportive family.
I would lose my home.
I would lose my business that I have spent 15 years building and that is my only source of income.
I would lose a vehicle (because it’s in his name).
I’d lose my phone (again in his name).
I would lose my cats becauss I wouldn’t have a way to keep them.
I’d lose all my belongings unless I can find a way to put and pay for storage.

So how do you leave and not lose everything???

I did just leave op, I had a small bag of photos and a couple of irreplaceable special items and went with my dc. It was scary, and I lost a lot, but I gained so much more.

If abuse is involved then WA can help you through the process, they will talk to you (phone or email) and discuss all your options, they have access to help from lots of different people, and they really are amazing.

I know the thought is daunting, and it does feel a bit like better the devil you know, I absolutely get it.

There's no pressure and nothing to stop you from contacting WA and discussing your options. One woman who I was in a refuge with was in touch with them regularly for 8 months talking things through and getting the help and confidence to finally leave.

Even if you got in touch and decided against leaving in the end, there's no harm in talking things through at least.

Don't listen to the smug "I would simply never let a man....." posters. It's honestly pathetic how those, allegedly, ever so happy people have to step on others to feel a bit better.

All the best in whatever you decide op 💐

And without family support it’s still next to impossible to leave. This is so unnecessary.

Thank you for sharing , what a wonderfully insightful post into the actual realities faced by so many.

If you can't take your business with you, can you sell it? You could use the funds from that to help get a new life

There are charities that will foster your pet until you found suitable housing

The council have a duty to you if you become homeless. It's a long process through hostels, temporary housing and waiting lists,

I fled DV when my children were 8 months old and 2.6 years old. Like you I had few friends and little family support, by the end of it, I didn't care about any of my belongings I literally just left with some clothes for me and my children,

It was difficult and lonely at times, but almost 10 years on and I thank myself everyday that I left when I did. He was found guilty in court and ordered not to contact or communicate with me or the children, which really helped

You'll leave when your ready. But don't let the fear of losing things put you off, your losing your days and part of your life staying in an unhappy relationship. You won't get this time back x

Even if a woman does work and earn her own money, she still may be financially stuck because the cost of living means so many people can't afford housing on one salary.

THANK YOU!

My mum had to do this to escape DV. She squirrelled away literally a few pounds here and there, whatever she could get away with until she had enough to pay the deposit and first months rent on a house. She accepted she would lose the house they bought together and all of her possessions but she did it anyway. Took the kids and a suitcase and did it all on her own from then on. Where there’s a will there’s a way. It doesn’t just happen overnight though, you do have to make arrangements and plan for it.

THANK YOU

I never say “just leave”. If the poster is in a good position ie owns own house, has own money etc, then I’d probably say chuck him out.

In situations like yours, I usually say seek legal advice or try somewhere like Womens Aid. Not saying it’s easy but is the alternative being desperately unhappy forever? In my mind, with no kids you are a bit more “free” - you could seek employment elsewhere and keep business on the side/take a short break while you get settled, you could get a flat share type room to keep costs down for a bit. Lots of this you could line up on the side while still living there. Do you really need a car? Could you move somewhere like a town where you don’t need it?

The phone is easy. Find some excuse to set up your own contract and make the switch now. Or at the very least take notes of all your numbers etc.

I think by 'just leave' people aren't saying get up and walk out the door right now - but make the decision that it is over and start planning to leave and when plans are in place and you've had the time to exact them- then leave.

Hidden, if necessary 👍

Unbelievably insensitive post that demonstrates complete lack of insight/understanding

You have a business, can you support yourself with it (not clear why you'd lose ot if you left, can you explain)? If not then the best thing would be to get a job so you can support yourself, then you could rent somewhere to live when you leave.

My "just leave" finally happened when, after a terrifyingly awful attack, I lay in bed fantasising about finding a weapon so I could "finish" either him or myself in the night, just so that it would be over. And I knew I had to get me and the kids out before it was too late.
I had no family and no money, and I was lucky enough that a friend took pity on me, but if I hadn't had them I was prepared to just go to the police and throw myself on their mercy in the dead of night.
It was really, really hard, and it took a long time for it to be good again, but it was better than the alternative.
Don't look for an option that will give you all the things you still have now, just find an option that keeps you all alive and safe

Do you co-own the house?

Why would you lose the business?

Do you have business premises where you could sleep for a bit?

I went on the school run one day and never went back. I had prepared a bag with mine and the kids important documents, I brought their favourite cuddly toys and a change of clothes in the nappy bag. I dropped my dog off with a trusted friend, and I walked away from my job, my home and everything I owned, and went into refuge in a town I had never been to before, with 3 kids all aged under 6.
It was 10 years ago and 100% the best decision I have ever made.

Walking away is indeed possible. It probably saved my life.

Kudos to your mum for doing that... One issue nowadays is that it's actually really hard for single parents to private rent and very difficult to get social housing...many mums would be forced to live in temporary accomodation miles away from their kids schools

Yes I agree, it was the nineties so different times and all that. So now it would take longer to save enough and get ducks in a row. But my main point is that you can let go of some of the stuff you shared in order to start a new life. My mum has been happily remarried now for 30 years so starting over worked out for her.

In what way would you lose your business?

Does he not give you any money/check all receipts?

It does annoy me when posters tell posters to leave that same day, not thinking where they would go etc

But most women can leave they just choose not to.

Does he check your internet history?

Get a library account (it gives you free access to the internet).

Create a new email account and email yourself all of your contact details.

Try and save up at least £30.

Once you have those things, then ring WA and leave.

Once you’re out, then buy a £10 phone and go to the library to get the numbers that you need.

I left with nothing except for my son in one hand and one bag for life containing a change of outfit each into emergency accommodation then temp accommodation and one year on and we’re just fine! It’s very very very hard starting completely from scratch but I’m here to live the tale and so so happy I left. If I can do it you can too OP! There’s lots of organisations that will support you, the weight off your shoulders for leaving really outweighs the attachments to everything else you left behind. It isn’t as easy as ‘just leave’ but if you have time to make some kind of plan then great (If you aren’t in danger). If I didn’t have a baby at the time I’d have moved into a house share temporarily aka cheaper rent/bills. Maybe an option for the interim? Stay safe OP sending hugs 💐

If it’s any motivation OP, I have a photo somewhere of my little battered old Smart Fortwo absolutely packed to the brim with all the clothes and belongings I could fit into it, parked outside the tiny bedsit which was all I could afford to rent (agreed over the phone, via a video call with the agent, because I couldn’t view it in person) on the Holloway Road on the day I left ex-DP in Scotland and arrived back in London.

I remember opening the door to that bedsit and breaking down into uncontrollable tears: because it was a drab room with a kitchenette in the corner and a tiny shower room, and I’d left behind a big, glorious five-bedroom period conversion property in rolling countryside. We had lovely, stylish furniture and creature comforts - but I found myself furnishing that bedsit with mismatching odds and ends from the local BHF charity shop. I sobbed for days - because I didn’t know if my life was ever going to feel like my life again, if I’d ever make any friends, if I’d regret leaving what I’d had behind, how I was going to manage financially, paying both my rent and my half of the mortgage on the house I shared with my ex.

I recounted this story at my hen weekend just over a year ago, eating dinner surrounded by 12 of the most wonderful, brilliant women I could ever have hoped to have met and call my best friends. I created a new life: the stop-gap job I took just to get out turned into the best move I ever made; I went from strength to strength in my career, bought another house in London which makes me just as happy as the old one, replaced all those left behind belongings with ones that were mine and only mine, had an absolute ball getting out and doing all kinds of things I’d never dreamed I’d enjoy doing, made dozens of truly amazing new friends, dated loads, and eventually met my now-husband.

That was in 2013. My packed Smart car and that bedsit have become just another part of my story. My ex finally accepted in about 2016 that I wasn’t coming back and agreed to sell our house. Those were tough times: I’d been paying both my London rent and half the mortgage on the house, which was a struggle. It took us until 2018 to actually sell the house and for me to properly be able to move on. I know it’s hard, and difficult to see the wood from the trees when it seems like you have so many instances in front of you - but you can start taking the first steps with the advice you’ve had on this thread.

Sorry for your circumstances OP

1. phone- get a new sim only deal in your name and buy a cheaper phone outright if you can.give a neighbours address or call WA go see if you can use a office address for bill.
2. car- yes a loss but can you make do with public transport or cycling?
3. home- start speaking to WA and see if you are eligible for a refuge place. Or look for a room in a shared house to start you off.
4. the business- this is complicated can it move with you? Is it a skill? Yes it be hard but not impossible.

Now make a list of all the things you'd gain and put your life as number 1.

This isn't applicable for everyone obviously but one solution that can work for many women is to find a live-in job. Housekeeper, Nanny, Carer or Hospitality are the most obvious ones that often come with own accommodation.

Are you in a DV situation?