Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

[Picle]

MN posters say “just leave”.
Yes I could just leave with nothing but the clothes on my back. But then I would lose everything,, and have nowhere to go. I have no friends and distant, unsupportive family.
I would lose my home.
I would lose my business that I have spent 15 years building and that is my only source of income.
I would lose a vehicle (because it’s in his name).
I’d lose my phone (again in his name).
I would lose my cats becauss I wouldn’t have a way to keep them.
I’d lose all my belongings unless I can find a way to put and pay for storage.

So how do you leave and not lose everything???

It depends why you need to leave OP. If you’re not safe you just need to get away safely and none of the stuff matters. Womens aid/Police/NCDV.
DV charities can help organise the cats if you can take them.

If you’ve got time to get organised start making plans now. You can do it. It will be worth it. There’s a list somewhere: passport, I.d, proof of address etc, certificates.

You can always get more stuff in the future.

Are you really that hard of thinking?

You've painted yourself into a corner and you don't say if you're in an abusive relationship or not.

Why would you lose your business if you separated from your partner? If you're married you'll get a share of the assets, so you won't be destitute.

Buy a new phone and a PAYG SIM card.

You need to get legal advice.

I think situations are always more complicated than can be put on MN.
However, if it's a violent situation where you are at risk, all the things on your list are inconsequential in relation to your life and safety.

Good for you, in your wilfull and blissful ignorance, with your 'hubby', whom you 'love love love' (🤮).
I'm guessing you've never been in a relationship where you've been beaten or kept prisoner by a man?

If you're not in imminent danger then start getting organised. "Lose" your phone and subscribe to a new one, start getting organised and contact a women's help group who can guide you. Wish you all the Best.

Can you start to subtly make changes?
Does he have 2 cars in his name or do you share 1?
Can you sort your stuff subtly to make it easy to move?
Can you save a deposit for a rental property in your own name?
I would definitely speak to Women's Aid for advice. I did it totally alone and it was tough. I did have 4 children though (1 was his).

You can do this, even if you have to spend most of 2025 setting it up.

Well it depends on the situation doesn’t it?

Yes you absolutely should “just leave” if you’re in an abusive relationship and your life is at risk. Very few people don’t know a single soul that would help them, but if they don’t you go to the police, women’s aid, shelter, the council. None of the stuff you listed matters in that scenario.

If you are not at risk, you start making plans. Whether it takes you a month or a year, you leave when you’ve put enough money aside to be able to go.

Leaving is never easy, but you have to pick your “hard”. Staying will be harder long term.
Many of us have done it and will be happy to help you with advice and support.

It depends on how bad it has gotten. Sometimes it is worth leaving with nothing but what you can carry.

sometimes you need to take time to plan. Take steps to rearrange your finances and your working situation so that you do have the ability to earn separate from him. Squirrel away enough for a deposit. Then rent a flat and leave. You can go after your share of the assets from a place of safety.

You plan.

I started with my phone. Bought a new one, waited for the inevitable explosion, digs, accusation of needing a burner phone etc. One of the first times I took control.

I had an entire world to unpick, but I manged eventually over three years. Free now.

The problem is, abusive men understand that women cant "just leave" and that's why they treat them badly, because they can.

Why would you lose the business? Is there a way you can work towards making the business independent of the relationship? How long would this take? If he’s controlling you financially to the point that it’s impossible to have your own control over your own business then you maybe will have to leave it behind in order to get away from him. You will at least take your skills and experience with you.

Are your family distant emotionally or physically? Are they good people? Have you had a good relationship with them previously? If you’ve become distant due to the relationship, for example, they may be glad to hear from you and help you now.

They mean : start divorce proceedings if you are not happy.
Leave only if you want

Does anyone in your life feel like a safe person? I would try to help an acquaintance in your situation, at the very least I’d be glad to offer emotional support and advice, even if we weren’t previously good friends. People can be wonderful, given a chance.

I don’t think “just leave” is the common response, most posters are far more nuanced than that.

To be fair I've seen a few posts saying just that...

That is an utterly unhelpful and in fact borderline abusive comment. This woman is clearly needing help and effectively you are implying it's all her fault.

There are many many reasons people end up in situations like this. In my case unexpectedly having disabled children and having to leave work left me far more vulnerable to my abuser.

Having helped women through the family court process I know that my situation isn't uncommon. I've also met people who have become chronically unwell, lost good jobs, had husbands who gambled away all the money etc. No one is immune to ending up in a situation that is hard to leave.

It's housing people need though, not advice and emotional support.

It's definitely rarely as easy as 'just leave', but there's support out there (fwiw, I 'just left', with just the clothes on my back and my cat - it wasn't easy but it was necessary).

Why would you lose your business? Why couldn't you take your cats? What's stopping you taking out a new contract or getting a PAYG?

I think the advice often comes from a good place, especially when it's clear you cannot stay. The most frequently used advice here is -get your ducks in a row, which is not immediate but is about getting advice, paperwork, and planning the next steps.

Womens aid are fantastic. I got reffered to them and along with the help of a local domestic violence womens project they offered to either safety net my home, or offered me a new home under a different council in a different city. I promise the help is there when you need it x

Womens aid can support you before, during and after you leave. They can help you get a safety and practical plan in place. That doesn't have to involved moving into a refuge. One of my friends was put onto priority list for council accomodation and moved within a week. They helped with benefits, bank, school for her kids etc.

In the meantime prep work is important if you aren't in imminent danger. Photocopy passport and financial documents, or take photos and email these to yourself or someone you trust. Perhaps try and take out some cash when you shop to make sure you have some spare that isn't noticed.

Perhaps most importantly consider where you'd like to live in future. Would you move back to where family or friends live? With no children it's far easier.

Do you really have no friends or even one family member to help you? That’s incredibly sad. Maybe a trusted work colleague?

Sometimes though it's choice between leaving everything or knowing he will eventually kill you

Why would you lose your business?

If you think you are in danger then do just leave. The rest can be sorted afterwards.

If not in imminent danger then contact a family law solicitor regarding financial situation. It can be complex if a business is owned by either party. As many posters have already said also contact a women’s help group. Ask for help from anyone you can trust. And be so careful. I know nothing about your situation, but violent men often get more violent after the relationship has ended.

Rebecca Humphrey’s book why did you stay is currently 99p on kindle. She gives a good account of why it isn’t as easy as just leaving. But she did take the cat when she managed to escape.

I really hope everything works out for you. x

I left eleven years ago with the clothes on my back and the cat. Moved into an air BnB until I could get my ducks in a row. Luckily no kids involved it was hard, but I'm glad I did it.