Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

[Picle]

MN posters say “just leave”.
Yes I could just leave with nothing but the clothes on my back. But then I would lose everything,, and have nowhere to go. I have no friends and distant, unsupportive family.
I would lose my home.
I would lose my business that I have spent 15 years building and that is my only source of income.
I would lose a vehicle (because it’s in his name).
I’d lose my phone (again in his name).
I would lose my cats becauss I wouldn’t have a way to keep them.
I’d lose all my belongings unless I can find a way to put and pay for storage.

So how do you leave and not lose everything???

Not the same as I had somewhere to go (parents) and no business but I just left. I waited for him to go to work and packed my 3yo into the car together with anything that would fit in and drove 300 miles away. I left my lovely dog and cats and a good job. I was desperate and suddenly possessions didn’t matter. I started all over again and it’s the best thing I ever did.

You're right. It's not the same.

"BlondeMamaToBe
This is why it’s so important to have your own money and independence."

What both these statements fail to realise is that abusive controlling men slowly and carefully strip you of all your independence, they convince you to put things in their* name with various plausible excuses, and bit by bit they get a complete stranglehold on you and eventually you are trapped. So when the less subtle abuse starts and you think about leaving, you look at your situation and realise you'd be homeless, jobless & penniless.

*or run up debts in joint or your name so you can't afford to leave them.

Tell us how you are going to lose a business you spent 15 years building? How does the business work?

People do just leave. My mum did it and I went with her. We stayed in a b&b to begin with. We had nothing and had to start all over again.

When I was doing a domestic abuse support group, we were always told never to tell anyone to leave. Except in dire circumstances where you have to just disappear, always plan ideally with women's aid or others who can support you because the time you leave an abusive relationship and the period after you do, is a very dangerous time, abuse cam really ramp up .

How could you leave your pets? With someone abusive, how? Take them too, or arrange for an animal charity to help care for them, but a man that is so abusive you need to leave like that is not one I'd trust with my pets either.

As hard as this is could you go without the car until you get everything else sorted out.
You can get another cheap phone on pay as you go monthly mine costs me £10 a month.
You may have to start right from the beginning again but you will eventually get your own independence it's never too late to get there it's scary but it's so worth it x

I don’t think we really have any idea if it’s the same or not. People have asked for a bit more detail so they can give better advice, but all the OP has said is that her partner pays her bills and owns their car, and that she has no children. She hasn’t indicated whether he’s financially controlling or whether he’s paying for things like their car and her phone bill because he earns more. She hasn’t said that her partner is abusive and if he is, whether it’s abuse that puts her safety at risk or “just” emotional or verbal abuse. All she’s actually posted is about the idea of leaving her home and belongings being too difficult - and on the face of it, a woman with no children to think about and clearly the marketable employment skills to have her own longstanding business is in a better position to leave than many other women.

I did 11 years ago, but because of his behaviour got my home back after legal action, after 7 days.

Good luck.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I'm not talking about houses, businesses or money.

The op - has nowhere to go and an unsupportive family.

@Loyalwomansfriend - went to her parents.

Sometimes leaving is a process and yes it can take a long long time. They call it “getting your ducks in a row”. But the sooner you start, the more preparation you do and the more well thought out your plan is - the sooner you’ll leave on something like your own terms.

You don't just leave, not unless your life is at risk. Most of the people posting that advice are doing so kindly, but in truth have no idea.

Same with the people saying you should have your independence blah blah blah. Hindsight js a wonderful thing and no, you don't know that the violence or the abuse is going to happen when you got married/had kids/set up a home and a life in a way that suited you at the time.

So you plan. It means you have to live in that situation and endure it for a bit longer - unless of course he does threaten your life. You squirrel away money where ans when you can, even take out a loan or credit card in your own name if need be. It's easier now as things can be done completely online.

You keep your gob shut and put up with the comments because provoking him now could lead to him being dangerous. You become the wife he thinks he deserves because otherwise you provoke him. You do not ever show your hand until the time is right.

You cultivate friendships or admit to friends and/or family what is happening. If you can find someone you can run to if you have to leave the house quickly and do not ever leave your animals with him, so that someone needs to know you come with pets and accept that.

Nearer the time you buy a few extra bits of toiletries and a small overnight bag. You put a few bits of clothing each week in that bag and if he mentions anything say you threw it out. If you can and have your own bank account that he can't access, you buy a few bits and put in your bag each month. You add a few extra bits of cat food to the week,y shop and put those in your bag. Make sure you know where the cat carriers are and put them where you can grab them easily.

You put all your documents in your handbag. This could start alarm bells ringing so you may want to do this near the end.

You find a new job somewhere else and, if you are lucky enough to work in an industry that does it, use the relocation package to rent a flat or house.

Then you go. One day, quietly, with no drama, you walk out of the house with your bag and your cats and you get in your car or a taxi or a bus and you leave him.

It took me a year.

No you really can't.

"Just leave" sadly can't always be immediate (unless you're in danger in which case you may have to run to a shelter)

You make a plan, squirrel money away, work out how much you need. Look for people to confide in. Create a "go bag" copies of important info, your passport, couple of tops/knickers/pair of jeans basic toiletries so if it ever came to it running was an option.

Keep a notebook of incidents, photos for evidence. Create an email address and use it for nothing but receipt of your own notes and photos. Which you may find you need to share with the police. Include bank evidence of you paying towards the house so you have the option of staking a claim to a share.

Look at options for moving your business to another place. Look for other jobs.

Speak to a DV charity. Get support. If you aren't ready now, don't be hard on yourself but have a plan so when you are ready nothing prevents you.

There's no way to pretend getting away won't cost you. It will be hard. But staying is already hard. And whatever it costs you may still be a bargain. Best of luck

You can. Just go.

Don't listen to the smug "I would simply never let a man....." posters.

30 years ago I would have said the same.....but they unfortunately don't come with a flashy neon sign saying "I'm an abusive bastard". By the time you realise it's not normal, you've been gaslit into thinking it is - bit garbled, but hopefully you see what I mean.

I'm an educated, intelligent woman and when I was married to my abusive ex husband I was a full time junior doctor who had spent time in A&E and saw the consequences of physical violence and heard their stories....still I didn't link their experiences to what I thought was my stressed out grumpy, husband who easily flew off the handle at nothing and who I was constantly treading on egg shells around.

The council have a duty to you if you become homeless. It's a long process through hostels, temporary housing and waiting lists,

Not if you don't have children.

@nodramaplz

"Yes yes yes
Love my hubby, got such a good one.
However, I earn my own money, have my own car, my own phone, everything.
I owe no one anything.

I don't get why anyone lets anyone else be the author of their life."

Wow.

You can come move in with me and my parents if you're nice

A lot of great advice here. I'd like to add- Please speak to your GP- they can confidentially refer you to the local DV/ DA service, and can even hide your medical notes so it's not visible to everyone. Also talking to your GP will act as evidence in case you need to go to court later. They and all Surgery staff get regular training nowadays on DA/.DV.
Best wishes and stay safe.

Call Women's Aid, they will give you the advice you need and support you 100%!!

The material stuff you can get again but if anything is of any kind of value to you and you cannot leave without it, make sure it's close by because when the time comes, you'll need to leave right now.

I'm glad there's no children involved; my friend went through the above (that's why I advocate Women's Aid) but that doesn't take away from the emotions you feel. I'm sorry you're going through something xx

@daliesque yep - whilst some guys are tossers early on - plenty just grow into being tossers - be it 5 years, 15 years, 25 years and it's not always as simple as just leaving and just renting somewhere else given the situation as it is with renting -

There are many reasons why you could lose a successful business - successful can be someone earning £40k - but still struggling to rent purely in their own name given the hoops you have to jump through these days on automatically scored systems and it may be her business isa service one that works with the fact its 'local clients' and she can't afford to stay in area on her own so the business isn't portable to move somewhere much cheaper ( don't discount flat shares OP if that's the case- regardless of your age- I had a friend did this at 57 and got a great flat share with another mature lady who wasn't actually there much) - found it on 'spare room-' has worked out well-

It may be it's a business that her partner is involved in - so it's actually 'their' business.

Let's just take OPs situation as she's written it .she's clearly an intelligent lady and knows the score.

She can't transfer the phone number if its not her phone. She needs to buy another phone and steady transfer from the old to the new, especially as she's running a business.