Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

[Picle]

MN posters say “just leave”.
Yes I could just leave with nothing but the clothes on my back. But then I would lose everything,, and have nowhere to go. I have no friends and distant, unsupportive family.
I would lose my home.
I would lose my business that I have spent 15 years building and that is my only source of income.
I would lose a vehicle (because it’s in his name).
I’d lose my phone (again in his name).
I would lose my cats becauss I wouldn’t have a way to keep them.
I’d lose all my belongings unless I can find a way to put and pay for storage.

So how do you leave and not lose everything???

Business - probably because it's based where she lives with husband and if she leaves him she can't remain nearby

Have some bloody empathy you patronising sod!

@ByQuaintAzureWasp there's some quite amazing black and white thinkers out there who think everyone who finds themselves in an unfortunate position is somehow stupid- sometimes things come along and kick you in the teeth right out the blue regardless of how sensible you have been .

Unless you are supporting someone (could be a friend, family member or as a professional in your role at work) or you have experienced domestic abuse yourself, it's an incredibly difficult and complex topic to understand.

Which unfortunately means that lots of people victim blame when you reach out for help.

"just leave"
"it’s important to have your own money, independence, support network, etc"
"if it's that bad why don't you just leave?"
"I would never allow anyone to treat me like that!"

I genuinely don't think victim blamers mean any harm, they are just uneducated on DA so don't know what they are talking about or realise the damage they cause by their unhelpful "contribution" when you ask for advice.

Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we replaced victim blaming with perpetrator blaming?

"why doesn't he stop?"
"why does he do that"
"what's stopping you from leaving?
"how can I help?"

Anyway answer to your question

Sadly with great difficulty :-) It's a real struggle

You will need to accept that it's going to cost you dearly but you simply have no choice - if you stay it will get worse - abusers don't change, the more controlling they are the more dangerous they are, and if you stay you will lose more of your life - which simply you can't put a price on.

This was me.
He was an abusive alcoholic, sounds dramatic- it wasn't. Most of the time it was just miserable. I didn't feel my life was in danger but could imagine things escalating
I first saw a solicitor for advice.
Then I started a long term plan and a shorter term plan (just in case)
It was hard to put money away but even saving bits made me feel better.
I gradually sorted belongings into essential, desirable and irrelevant
I got the details I needed such as documents and also details of his national insurance number and pension - worthwhile as we were married and he lied comprehensively about his pension.
I ensured I had all details such as phone numbers or anything stored in my phone duplicated elsewhere. I had a little notebook in my handbag.
I stopped accumulating material things - even posh face cream and handbags. I developed a "capsule wardrobe" . Stuff is just more to move and its better to save the money.
Make sure you have all the documents and info such as passwords/rescue email for accounts stored and changed so you can operate without him
I started to change small things like the access to my email, phone, lap top and ensured that I'd wiped stuff from lap top, that left any clues and also put all the info- it'd be apps nowadays- that I used on my phone.
Sadly, it blew up early on me and he was arrested anyway but I was so thankful that I'd at least prioritised stuff, thought about it and had started to do stuff. It was about having given it head space.
In terms of pets, it was hard and again I had to prioritise, re home stuff (llama, horses etc) managed to keep one cat and dog but that made it difficult to find accommodation. Difficult but not impossible.
It was very hard for several years but the main thing is that despite rebuilding from scratch, I was so much happier from day one because of his absence from my life.
That was 17 years ago, there are still minor financial impacts, mostly when I think "this is where I'd be now if I'd not lost everything" it's a huge thing to do but I'm so much happier and so glad that I moved on.
You may have to rethink and accept that somethings have to go, whether it's animals, friends, renting rather than owning something (house/car/phone) but if this is your priority you can do it.
Wishing you really good luck

I'd also add that i wasn't on mum's net. I thought i was totally alone. So whilst you have a few plonkers contributing you have loads of amazing advice. On line Goodwill won't put a roof over your head but it's nice to know that it's there.
Crossing everything for you. When your future looks brighter - and it will- please return and update us

You have said you want to leave but haven’t mentioned abuse.

Cars and phones in his name can sound controlling but was it purely a move as easier for him to get checks because your self employed or a valid reason such as you having a poor credit rating. I’m assuming you need your car for work, is your work not portable at all?

Cats can be fostered, lifeline a cat charity will assist people escaping DV.

For some mentally it’s just not possible and even in the worst cases of DV where the woman is ultimately killed they would never leave. I volunteered in a DV setting and we obviously had training and met many women. So dependant on help available through agencies will depend on if there is abuse. The op may not be willing to share her starry and that’s fair enough or it could be economic dependence rather than abuse. She actually hasn’t said. the advice though similar would be different depending on which it is.

Blimey.
When those thoughts come to mind just look around you and breathe in the peace that you created by yourself 💖
Well done

Spot on

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