Just leave - even if you have nowhere to go.

[Picle]

MN posters say “just leave”.
Yes I could just leave with nothing but the clothes on my back. But then I would lose everything,, and have nowhere to go. I have no friends and distant, unsupportive family.
I would lose my home.
I would lose my business that I have spent 15 years building and that is my only source of income.
I would lose a vehicle (because it’s in his name).
I’d lose my phone (again in his name).
I would lose my cats becauss I wouldn’t have a way to keep them.
I’d lose all my belongings unless I can find a way to put and pay for storage.

So how do you leave and not lose everything???

Pets are often a barrier to women leaving. There are several charities that provide foster care for exactly these circumstances. Here is just one example https://www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk/

Sending love @Picle, call WomensAid they may be able to help you x.

I understand OP I really do

With all due respect op, the trick is to accept that you'll be losing everything, but you will be gaining your freedom and peace. With time you can rebuild the rest.

The main question is does he control you financially or are you able to put some money aside every month?

There was a woman on here a few years back who was planning to ‘just leave’. She said she was going to present herself at a police station a few hundred miles away (picked randomly) and ask for help. She seemed to think she would immediately be housed, protected etc.

I and a few others tried to be supportive but also explain that the police would give her the number of social services / a DV charity and at best offer to take a statement against her ex which might or might not result in him being charged and if he was might or might not result in him being remanded in custody.

It’s one of those threads I still think about and worry about what happened to the poster if the police turned her away.

Good luck getting Women’s Aid to answer the phone

Yeah I did exactly that. With a 1 year old. Got a loan beforehand and signed up for the rental beforehand. Because i had proof of income. Then left with whatever I'd managed to hide away in the car over a few weeks. Used the loan to pay the deposit on the flat, and refurnished it. Signed up to universal credit. And started again.

Honestly, it's surprisingly easy. You think of everything you had to give up, one thing that was a real sticker for me was a painting I had. But you remind yourself that if someone said "ill give you this, but then I'll kill you." You wouldn't take it. Your life is worth more than your things.

I left over 2 years ago. I have been very lucky with new DP. Literally an angel sent from heaven. My life is bloody bliss. I was worth it a thousand times over. I don't have alot of money. DS has clothes bought in bundles second hand. Holidays are butlins/haven rather than the Maldives, I have a little battered 12yo hatchback instead of a brand new big ass black SUV. But fuck me. I have a will to live. And my young boy will not grow up thinking the way his father behaves is acceptable or normal. He is growing up in a household of respect and love and laughter and he will grow up with a healthy respect for women, for himself and others, he will learn that being upset or angry does not entitle you to shout or hurt people, he will learn how to be a good man. I could not bare my son to grow up to be like his father.

Thank goodness for that, Picle.

Another poster suggested you contact women's aid and I think that is a good idea, they will be able to properly advise you.

It may be your husband who has to leave but something will be sorted out. Talk to them tomorrow, bide your time. I am so sorry you are in this dilemma.

Sometimes though - there literally only is the option of just leave.

I did it nearly 10 years ago with two holdalls. I thought I had alienated all my friends following my disaster marriage. Controlling husband who made it very hard to go out for an evening with out a row.

When I had to leave following police involvement - friends who I hadn't seen for a long time did help. A friend of a friend gave me her spare room.

When I got my first rented room, people let me stuff to get up and running.

I don't know your situation but you might be surprised who can help?

🙄

@nodramaplz

Fuck sake!!! Read the room.

You can’t have any friends
I mean you’re hardly likely to come back and admit it so obviously you’ll deny
but
I reckon you must be very lonely in RL
but of course you have your “lovely hubby”

Start off with money. You have to find a way to earn money. It solves a lot of thd problems on your list, enables you to access phone, car, housing. .have you ever worked op? Got any experience in retail or the like? If you can drive could you look at delivery work? There seems to always be demand for cleaners

I am a bit confused why the Op 15 year establishes successful business is contingent on living at this property?

Watch my lover my killer. If your in simular situation then leaving with notihng os leaving with your life.

You may well be but perhaps try believing her. She hasn't explained either way, so it may be true or there may be something she hasn't considered. In the meanwhile, she doesn't owe you an explanation to relieve you of your confusion.

I agree with you, OP. I've read "Just leave" a zillion times on here, and the disregard for reality and for all the practicalities can indeed be very frustrating. I know some women have left with nothing, but that's extremely hard, and as long as there isn't physical violence, I think you're better served planning your way out.

Wow this has to win some sort of prize for "The most tone deaf post ever"

Good for you. But OP is not in this situation (as you will know if you read OP's post properly).

You can scroll on by if you have nothing helpful to add. As your contribution is far from helpful.

Please go and learn about financial abuse, and stop posting unhelpful things.

You can't see your way forward ATM, OP, but that's ok. Can you have a phone call with a local da charity? You don't have to know the end at the beginning.

I'm one of those who left in a rush with a small child and two bin bags of possessions, but in fact it took months to get there. I went to workplace counselling, was referred to a da org, eventually accepted I had to go, then waited for a refuge place. Those women, unknown to me before then, gave me more support than I thought was possible. And they were patient and went at my pace.

Having no place to go is why the refuge movement was set up decades ago. There is help there.

I was in an abusive relationship, low earner with two young children. I was petrified to leave in case he hurt me or tried to take the kids.

At a point when we were arguing a lot I suggested he stay with his parents for a bit to give us space. He liked the idea as he got waited on hand and foot.

While he was gone I had space to gain some confidence, I told him it was over. We had 40k equity in the house I asked a family member to guarantee my mortgage and offered exdh 20k which he accepted.

It wasn’t easy and I know I was lucky on several points . But being a single parent and struggling to pay bills, managing work/home balance was tough.

It was 18 years ago now and it seems like a blip in my life I'm so grateful I did it and got away. For myself and for my kids.

People coming on here with their perfect lives fuck right off!!

Wrong thread!

I can think of multiple reasons.

1. It’s inextricably linked with the property (Smith Farm Farm Shop)
2. There are trademark issues where the partner owns the name of the business because it’s also the name of the property.
3. The business relies on the physical property (a workshop etc) and the OP can’t afford to rent premises.

Those are just the reasons off the top of my head - there could be multiple others that I haven’t thought of.