To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

Blimey.

I know this doesn't help because I can't see how you can save enough to do it under these circumstances, but quite honestly I'd get out as quickly as you can, even if it's the cheapest house share you can find, because this is really horrible to read and I'm so sorry your parents think it's ok to treat you like this. It's 100% NOT acceptable.
Your only alternative is to have a serious conversation with them pointing out exactly how unfair and unacceptable it is. You could even argue it's nigh on abusive.
I hope you can get out as soon as possible

No it's not the way parents treat son as opposed to daughters.

Your parents favorite is your brother, as suspected. Remember that when they're old and need care.

Wow. Your mum doesn't sound very nice at all. Yanbu.

Thats terrible and nit OK. Sounds like your brother is the ‘golden child’ and can do no wrong!

have you tried pointing out any of this to your parents to see what they say?

That's horrible unless there's some huge back story where your brother has additional needs, or that you and your mother's relationship is strained due to severely horrible behaviour on your part.
I'm assuming that's not the case or you would have mentioned it though.

I'd have a talk with her, ask why there are the differences and if you've done anything to upset her. Don't do it in a hostile way just try to keep it factual and calm.

Unusual to get such raw rank sexism these days.

If you can save at all, make a plan to get out. In the meantime I'd rip the piss out of the golden boy. His future partner may thank you.

This is crazy! Are you a step child? Is there some other info we're missing. I would definitely question each of those and challenge this.

Why on earth are you even posting this? SuFrom the details you've given, your parents are misogynistic cunts. Sure you wouldn't be better off finding a houseshare and going low contact? Also, what does you brother think about the discrepancy?

It’s a very outdated approach, though some women do seem to still believe in “men’s roles” and “women’s roles” and that a woman’s place is looking after the men in her life. I don’t think it’s typical, though: my brothers and I were raised with the same expectations of us regardless of sex around domesticity and chores, as were DH and his sisters, and pretty much all our friends.

Can you move out to a house share? There’s always going to be tension when a load of adults with different values and views live under the same roof, especially when there’s a parent / child power imbalance.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable they are definitely helping him out more than they do you which seems unfair as you are similar ages and earn similar amounts.
have you spoken to your parents about this?

Is being a lodger or a house share an option? Or look for a job with accommodation.
It’s no way to live.

I'm not a stepchild, and as far as I'm aware there's no additional needs. I like to think I've been a good child, I was never in trouble at uni or anything like that

*at school, I meant 🤦🏼‍♀️

This is awful. Please find a way to leave. I can't believe you pay rent and are not allowed to use the washing machine.

Your post reminded me of this cartoon.

Have you ever asked outright why?

This isn't normal at all, so unless there’s more information that you haven’t shared I would personally want a very clear conversation about it and I would move out.

You'd probably feel better living in a rented room, and you’d probably be allowed to use the washing machine too!

Well then your brother is going to be one of those useless manchild we read about all the time on here. Ones that think their partners are their mum.

You on the other hand will be gloriously independent so execute on your capabilities and move out asap.

Shameful parenting.

Not even slightly normal and definitely not ok. How do they justify charging you rent and not including you in food shopping but giving your brother a free ride? Absolutely awful.

YANBU and your mother is a cow.

I only have boys and my mum only had girls but my MIL had 2 of each and as far as I know never treated them any differently.

my mum though used to say to me about people she knew with both sexes where the mum was awful to the girl and treated the son like the sun shone out his arse.

I don’t know why you need to ask to put a washing on though, can’t you just do it?

Good grief! Started off mild with washing and ended up outrageous.

I have three at home in their 20s and they pay the same amount of keep which is nowhere near what you’re paying. I can’t believe your parents haven’t tried to justify it in some way. Why do you think the expectations are so different? Are they worried he won’t be able to attract a partner with no car and money and clean clothes whereas they’re waiting for someone to ‘take you on’?

I am so cross for you. Leave and let them mollycoddle him. You owe them nothing.

Have you simply asked your parents why?

Of course this isn’t fair.

" Mum , why am I paying to go to the launderette but you do his washing ? Why does he get 3 meals a day but pays nothing while I pay rent and have to replace milk ?
Why are you treating us so differently ? "

Ask her why.
Make a list and read it out and ask her why.

Sorry to ask but is it a cultural thing. I knew a lad from a family he didn't have to lift a finger and his sisters had to do everything including waiting on their brother hand and foot.

It's both the same. The boy is the favourite child because he is a male. Maybe also because he is younger. It makes no difference to you if it's because he's male or because he is favoured, as the inequality will have affected you growing up.

I'm sorry it is your mother too keeping the mysogyny going. I grew up exactly like that. We would be teenagers getting ready to leave for uni after a weekend at home. My mother prepared my older brother a sandwich to take as well as grapes. I asked if she could wash me some grapes too. Was told to do it myself.

I'm really sorry. I know how crap this is. It doesn't even sound like they love you.