To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

So even when he’s not there you’re not able to use the machine? This is deep misogyny and you would be better renting a room in a shared house. I would have a chip on my shoulder in your circumstances - you are in effect subsiding your feckless brother!

I fucking despise ‘parents’ like yours @CinnamonStick77. They have totally and utterly failed.

The disparity in the treatment between you is absolutely despicable.

Definitely look to find alternative accommodation as that is just so wrong. I’d think even a room share would be better. Any chance of finding your own space in a HMO in your area?

Is there a grandparent you could move in with?

I don’t know why people like this have children. Sorry OP but you’re the scapegoat and he’s the golden child. I would start making plans to ghost the fuck out of them. Remember this when they are old and infirm and looking for family to rely on. I hope golden balls is up to the task of doing his bit as dutiful son after years of special treatment because you should make sure you’re uncontactable.

Get some nice flat mates and have a good time, ASAP. One life, live it.

As another poster said, do remember this when they start wanting help in the future - lifts, shopping, taking to medical appointments, support with bereavement etc.

I'm sorry your parents are so mean to you.

Print out what you’ve written and give it to your parents and ask them to read it. The first few things you wrote sounded relatively petty, but the food, rent and car situations are ludicrous. Ask them to explain to you why they think this difference is reasonable.

That alone is shocking and cruel behaviour regardless of how they treat your brother. They don’t even treat you like family.
This is not normal.
I’m so sorry they’re so cruel to you .

That's just downright bloody nasty, how can they do that to their own daughter?

That is just bizarre behaviour on their part - who cooks a meal and says their child who lives at home isn’t allowed any?

My brother was treated differently to me. Still is. My parents were not as obvious as yours, but I didn't have my needs met which gave me low self esteem. Again, it wasn't obvious. I've always been highly independent but accepted poor behaviour from others and was grateful for a low standard of emotional support from partners.

My advice... move out and have therapy. Try and build your self esteem. It's not you. Don't be a 'good girl'. You have worth and don't have to earn it by being better than your brother or the perfect child. Even if you fuck up in life, we all do, and you are worthy of love and support.

As Larkin said...'they fuck you up your mum and dad. They don't mean to but they do

I'm over fifty now. Friends have said we all wish we could have known in our twenties what we know now.

OP this sounds incredibly damaging. This is not normal at all. How your parents treat you is wrong.

Can you look into flat shares or lodging? I did loads of this in my 20’s, it was a great way of having independence and meeting people. It may cost you more financially, but it will be so much better for you emotionally and psychologically to no longer be living with your parents.

What does your brother make of this situation?

Sorry OP, but they actually hate you. Fuck knows why, but this isn't a smsll thing. They actively really hate you.

Leave and don't look back.

As the much older version of you I agree you should get out as soon as you can and reduce contact to polite check ins to minimise the impact of their behaviour. It may not be sexism as it could just be blatant favouritism, all the same it is soul destroying.

I guarantee from experience that, while you are repeatedly told to take care of yourself, as soon as they need someone to help with ill health or old age you will be the one they demand it from so you need to prepare now to distance yourself

sounds like you need to move into a house share, OP.
Can you get into one asap.
Then tell your parents exactly what you told us here about the difference in how your are treated, and not to come running to you if they need anything. ever.

You have nothing to lose here, and only your freedom to gain

Do you have any relatives to confide in. The roast thing is bizarre. So they eat the roast and you ping your ready meal for 1 and sit at the table with them or do you have to go to your room.

Oh OP!!!! Get out asap!!!!

This . And remind your brother it's pay back time .

Your parents sounds awful.
Reading about her cleaning his bedroom I was thinking why would you want them going through your things like that anyway.
But the rest of it is just despicable. You are stuck with them if you are living with them, but I would be going very low contact with them when you eventually get to move out. And as others have said, you need to keep score of these things in the future when they might need help as they age. They have supported your brother and not you, so when they one day need support it will be on your brother and not you too. He won’t step up because Golden children never step up when they are needed, so they will regret it then.

This is so sad @CinnamonStick77 💐

Aww bless you OP, I want to give you a big hug and invite you round for a roast, I seriously think you need to move out, but beware of the guilt trips from them and more nastiness to come your way, what horrible parents you have...

This can't be real?

Of course he is their favourite. I wish people would stop lying to themselves and their children 'I love all my children equally'. Yeah, right, only for your favourite it is organ lessons (to make sure he gets into Oxbridge on an organ scholarship) and a private school, and oh, yes, we shall pay for his Masters in Edinburgh, and for your less favourites it is a state school and 'mum says I can't apply to Edinburgh as it is too far away and it will cost an awful lot'.

People can't love all their children (all individuals) equally, it is not humanly possible. However, they can treat all their children equally and they should do that.

I'm looking for house shares and things like that but they all seem to go so fast, so by the time you get to a viewing it's gone.

The roast thing is just weird. They'll roast an entire joint of meat, use half of the leftovers for sandwiches and bin the other half. I bought a roasting joint reduced (it was only £3!) and slow cooked it to make a load of meals, and they're giving me snippy comments about how I've wasted money on it, and if I have that sort of money to waste they should put my rent up

This is utterly unbelievable
And totally unacceptable