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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

325 replies

CinnamonStick77 · 19/01/2025 15:28

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

OP posts:
UrsulasHerbBag · 19/01/2025 16:57

They are favouring your brother and treating you like shit. I wonder who they will expect to care for them if they need it in old age? My mum is like this with my brother, all whilst bemoaning how her mother did the same with her sons. I literally chose to only have one child so I could never be so awful to him or another child. Funnily enough I adore my big brother and he does me, We got over it by moving in together in our 20’s. Mum is still the same and he is 51 and I am 47… to the point that this years family Calendar didn’t even have me on it but there was a whole month dedicated to a pot plant he sent mum.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/01/2025 16:57

CinnamonStick77 · 19/01/2025 16:11

I think what stings is things like my parents are having a roast dinner tonight, with all the trimmings, for just the two of them. If I wanted to join in, I'd have to buy and cook everything myself. Which I can't afford and also wouldn't be able to do because we don't have the oven space to cook two roasts at once. So I'm left eating alone, but if my brother was home he'd be joining in.

I want to jump through that screen right now and scream at your mother. Your father doesn’t get a free pass either. He’s allowing it to happen even if he isn’t an active participant. My mother believes males are superior to women but this is something else entirely.

If you are able I would move into a house share asap. Big hugs you deserve so much better. Flowers

tarmactreacle · 19/01/2025 16:57

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2025 16:53

Just so you know, OP, when parents set up a Golden Child and Black Sheep dynamic, and they have, the Black Sheep often ends up in a better position.

The GC is often dependent, enmeshed, pathetic and unable to make new relationships and be successful. They haven't got any skills, either emotionally or practically.

The BS, if they can break away, has mad skills, knows how to do everything, is very independent and has leaned to be self-sufficient.

The thing that stops this is low self-esteem from the emotional abuse, and chasing their love. If you can avoid that, the world is your oyster. Work on your work, relationships outside your family, and moving as far and as fast as you can. The rest of your life, away from these weirdos, awaits. But you HAVE to choose to slough off their strange dynamic.

I married (and divorced) a GC BTW, and his BS brother was by far the better man.

I love this post.

jannier · 19/01/2025 16:59

CinnamonStick77 · 19/01/2025 16:11

I think what stings is things like my parents are having a roast dinner tonight, with all the trimmings, for just the two of them. If I wanted to join in, I'd have to buy and cook everything myself. Which I can't afford and also wouldn't be able to do because we don't have the oven space to cook two roasts at once. So I'm left eating alone, but if my brother was home he'd be joining in.

Sod that id sit down in front of them saying that looks nice while eating beans on toast.

Squirrelsnut · 19/01/2025 17:00

Jesus Christ, move out as soon as humanely possible. They are emotionally abusing you (financially too, from the sound of it).

Betchyaby · 19/01/2025 17:02

CinnamonStick77 · 19/01/2025 16:11

I think what stings is things like my parents are having a roast dinner tonight, with all the trimmings, for just the two of them. If I wanted to join in, I'd have to buy and cook everything myself. Which I can't afford and also wouldn't be able to do because we don't have the oven space to cook two roasts at once. So I'm left eating alone, but if my brother was home he'd be joining in.

I'm sorry but your parents are sickos, this is absolutely abnormal and cruel. Move out as soon as you can.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 19/01/2025 17:04

Hwi · 19/01/2025 16:38

Of course he is their favourite. I wish people would stop lying to themselves and their children 'I love all my children equally'. Yeah, right, only for your favourite it is organ lessons (to make sure he gets into Oxbridge on an organ scholarship) and a private school, and oh, yes, we shall pay for his Masters in Edinburgh, and for your less favourites it is a state school and 'mum says I can't apply to Edinburgh as it is too far away and it will cost an awful lot'.

People can't love all their children (all individuals) equally, it is not humanly possible. However, they can treat all their children equally and they should do that.

Absolute bullshit!
Of course you can love your children equally!!!!

Wintersgirl · 19/01/2025 17:05

Just so you know, OP, when parents set up a Golden Child and Black Sheep dynamic, and they have, the Black Sheep often ends up in a better position.
The GC is often dependent, enmeshed, pathetic and unable to make new relationships and be successful. They haven't got any skills, either emotionally or practically.

And the sudden realization that no one in the world thinks they're special or amazing like their parents do...

AnonymousBleep · 19/01/2025 17:06

That's just blatant favouritism. I'm sorry OP.

If it makes you feel any better, it happens in a lot of families. Like you, I've never had any cash windfalls or help buying cars or houses. I was kicked out of home at 18 and had to pay my own way through uni. My siblings were not treated the same and both were helped on the housing ladder etc. It hurts! You wonder what you've done to be the one at the bottom of the heap. I still don't know the answer to that.

MumoftwoGranofone · 19/01/2025 17:07

Oh gosh OP, I’m so sorry. How hurtful … hugs x

AnonymousBleep · 19/01/2025 17:07

Bigearringsbigsmile · 19/01/2025 17:04

Absolute bullshit!
Of course you can love your children equally!!!!

Show quote history

Not only you can love your children equally but you SHOULD love your children equally!

I have two kids. I am close with both and there's no way I love one more than the other, they are my pride and joy!

hagchic · 19/01/2025 17:08

It doesn't really matter why. You need to leave and never look back.

It sounds like rent is expensive where you are - can you move with your job? Is it the sort of thing you can do in different places - if so , go somewhere where the rent is cheaper and your family are absent.

Even if you can't go now, start saving so you can leave as soon as possible - you certainly don't need to wait until you can buy a house. Even a room will be better than what you describe.

What would happen if you simply didn't ask if you could do the washing and just did it? If you refused to pay rent?

Would your family be physically abusive to you? If so, you need to seek outside help to get out of the home.

AnonymousBleep · 19/01/2025 17:11

CinnamonStick77 · 19/01/2025 15:53

We're from England

I've brought it up in the moment, and I'm told I've got a chip on my shoulder

That's the classic response - to be told you're 'bitter' for them blatantly favouring their other children. 'Don't be bitter' is something I heard a lot, growing up.

JaneBoleynViscountessRochford · 19/01/2025 17:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2025 16:53

Just so you know, OP, when parents set up a Golden Child and Black Sheep dynamic, and they have, the Black Sheep often ends up in a better position.

The GC is often dependent, enmeshed, pathetic and unable to make new relationships and be successful. They haven't got any skills, either emotionally or practically.

The BS, if they can break away, has mad skills, knows how to do everything, is very independent and has leaned to be self-sufficient.

The thing that stops this is low self-esteem from the emotional abuse, and chasing their love. If you can avoid that, the world is your oyster. Work on your work, relationships outside your family, and moving as far and as fast as you can. The rest of your life, away from these weirdos, awaits. But you HAVE to choose to slough off their strange dynamic.

I married (and divorced) a GC BTW, and his BS brother was by far the better man.

Couldn’t agree with this more.

My brother was/is the GC, he is now in his late 40’s and absolutely useless, didn’t help that he found partner who bought into his greatness, who he treats like shit.

DH’s brother was also the GC (his story is quite extreme and similar to yours in a lot of ways) and is now a total idiot manchild who can’t do anything for himself (also found a partner willing to baby him, who he treats like shit surprise surprise!).

Get away from it OP as fast as you can.

AnonymousBleep · 19/01/2025 17:12

What is their justification for charging you rent but not your brother? Is he not working?

diddl · 19/01/2025 17:12

Have they always treated you badly?

It's not just that they treat your brother better, they are downright nasty to you.

Can't use the machine when you want, they cook enough food for you but don't include you.

If you weren't paying so much rent I'd say that they wanted you out!

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/01/2025 17:14

Hard to believe your mum is like that.

Crinkle77 · 19/01/2025 17:14

Actually their behaviour is mentally and emotionally abusive. Were they like this growing up?

Nextweektoo · 19/01/2025 17:15

These people do not like you. Move away and cut them off!

Greyish2025 · 19/01/2025 17:16

CinnamonStick77 · 19/01/2025 15:28

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

Having read all your posts it sounds appallingly unfair, what culture are you from?

Has it always been this way or have you noticed a change in recent years?

Have you any inkling why you are treated in this way?

Is your father as unfair as your mother or is the issue mainly with your mother?

AnonymousBleep · 19/01/2025 17:16

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/01/2025 17:14

Hard to believe your mum is like that.

Not really! Some mums are horrible to their own kids, especially their daughters.

SomeOtherUser · 19/01/2025 17:18

What's likely going to happen as a result of this is that you will move out into the world capable and independent, and your brother will be stunted by the excessive mollycoddling. Silver linings and all that!

Wintersgirl · 19/01/2025 17:19

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/01/2025 17:14

Hard to believe your mum is like that.

Why? You see it in the news all the time, parents mistreating their kids and murdering them, why would treating one sibling better than the other be so hard to believe?

Meandhimtogether · 19/01/2025 17:20

This is one of the saddest posts I've read.
Get out asap and go very low contact even no contact.
I wonder if golden boy will be looking after them in later life.
Your mum and dad are very cruel.

Hugs to you. Remember you deserve better treatment than this.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/01/2025 17:22

Unbelievable!! I’m so sorry, Op.
My Dbro (with 3 sisters) was certainly the GoldenOne, to my mother, anyway, but the favouritism was nothing like as blatant as this.