To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

@CinnamonStick77 dont think it is so much son v daughter, it is more like the sibling, is always the golden child. you aint it, though! sorry. been there done that worn out the tee shirt!! does your brother ever do anything to defend you?? just as a matter of interest?

Wow!! Thought I’d read to see if there’s a comparison between how you are treated and the way my mum treats me and my brother do differently, but my treatment is a little more subtle.

i am absolutely horrified that you’re treated so differently and badly. I’d be looking at alternative living arrangements if you can.

I think what stings is things like my parents are having a roast dinner tonight, with all the trimmings, for just the two of them. If I wanted to join in, I'd have to buy and cook everything myself. Which I can't afford and also wouldn't be able to do because we don't have the oven space to cook two roasts at once. So I'm left eating alone, but if my brother was home he'd be joining in.

That's so hurtful, I can't imagine being this way with my kids.

Fuuuuuuck. That’s shameless favouritism (him) and scapegoating (you).

It’s pretty evil actually. Parenting should always involve fairness. Equality, of stuff, of love, of attention. Sometimes needs differ, but the intention should always be parity.

Its good you can stay there and pay less rent but it’s shocking, how you’re being treated.

If you were my girl I would champion and support you the best I could, treat you with fairness, listen to your point of view. You deserve nothing less.

Yes if your brother was there and you are left out of the meal, what does he say OP? Does he defend you, include you?

This is outrageous!
have you asked why they are treating you so differently? Perhaps write it out in a table to show the difference for each of you.
what is their explanation for the differences?

Get out as soon as you can Op, it'll destroy your self-esteem and metal health. The fact you have to ask if this is ok says something about your current perspective. Get therapy and get a house share/new job/join the army, anything to get away from this lot!

Honestly I would rather live in a room share than like this

It’s absolutely not normal. It’s enormously unfair. And it sounds like your mother is deliberately trying to sabotage your efforts by doing things like banning you from washing your work clothes.

As you say, your problem is that rent elsewhere would be higher. There’s no point rocking the boat until you can get out, because nobody reasonable would treat their child like this in the first place.

All you can do is keep working, keep saving, get out and become independent, and build your own life. Your brother is never going to want to move out, and your mother is likely to sabotage every relationship he ever has.

Your parents are awful, but nothing you say will change anything. Be independent as soon as you can - is there any way you can up your hours, or pay rate?

Nah…..

Yes mum a £500 a month chip

Totally unfair, and must be incredibly painful for you.

The silver lining is that their actions have inadvertently shaped you into a mature adult, but left your brother as something of a man-child: your future is likely to be so much brighter than if you were the mollycoddled one.

That’s horrible. The dinner is just wow to not even shout up hey doing a roast do you want some?

I mean a joint of meat that feeds two easily feeds three even if you didn’t get much meat.

Your parents are vile to be honest. Who on Earth doesn’t share a roast with family who are in the same building?

Have you looked at narcissistic behaviour traits? I’m betting one of your parents or both are. Your son is the golden child who farts gold.

Absolutely agree with this. My brother was the golden child. Not expected to help round the house, look after my little sister, make dinner for the family etc. He had his own room, nicely decorated, own TV, new bike to go to high school. I was the complete opposite.

He's turned into a contemptuous and dismissive twat towards women and I have nothing to do with him. He can't understand why. I actually feel privileged to be the scapegoat. It's made me very independent and resilient. I got out. Best thing I ever did.

Get out and as far away as possible@CinnamonStick77 . This is intergenerational misogyny at it's finest. Leave them to their dysfunction. Just make sure you don't end up with a golden child as a partner. Useless, entitled and ignorant.

Wow, definitely favouritism here! I experienced similar growing up and still do. My brother is 8yrs older than me, age 36, and my mother still does his laundry (he moved out last year...) and makes him food to take home from hers every week. She has made every excuse under the sun for his crap behaviour, laziness and lack of life skills. Meanwhile me and my sister lead relatively normal, successful adult lives with zero help, support or acknowledgement.

If I were you I'd move out ASAP, even if it's out of area or a house share.

Unless your brother has additional needs you haven’t mentioned (and even then, depending on the needs!) then this is totally unfair.

I’d just focus your attention on leaving. Look to to be a lodger or rent a room. You could be moved in a few weeks.

Also, just a thought: perhaps it's worth considering moving to a completely different part of the country. If your job is with a national company it may well be possible to transfer.

There are still plenty of areas where £500pm would pay rent and council tax on at least a room, and in many places a house.

Not it's definitely not normal. Your mum is hugely failing both of you. Your brother will be a man child who expects any future partner to wait on him hand and foot and you are being unfairly treated. Unfortunately in dhs family the females are the ones who are favoured which is just as pathetic.

This is madness OP.

The disparity is so extreme this is hard to believe really. It’s like an Disney evil stepmother fairy tale.

But anyway, could the amount of rent you are paying them get a room in a shared house.

Why doesn't your mother's response surprise me? 😡 (Exactly what I used to be told.)

I had very similar as a teenager but I was the bastard stepchild and my younger half siblings could do no wrong. Mother's husband hated me though and my mother had been crazy about my father who dumped her so at least I knew why.

I tried everything but finally went NC once I was married and had my own DC. Best thing I ever did. Should have done it years before. They are all dead now and I am still at peace with my decision over 30 years later.

OP, don't live like this. It will destroy your self esteem and mental health.😥. Get away as soon as you can.

Fucking hell OP. I'd be moving out ASAP.