To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

It is totally possible, obviously. I've loads of children and I absolutely love them all equally. I treat them all differently but equally.

OP, your parents clearly don’t want you in their house, move out and go low contact.

Are they ever nice to you OP? This sounds horrendous.

Please keep looking for house shares - you need to be able to attend viewings on the same day if needed. It’s just a numbers game. You need freedom, the way your parents treat you is de-humanising and that is entirely a reflection on them, not you.

I am in my 40's and had a similar upbringing. I moved up north (cheaper etc). Best thing I ever did.

It's horrible behaviour and outright favouritism towards your brother. It also sounds like your mum is determined to ensure he is a man child for life. Unfortunately faboutism does exist. My MIL actively favours her daughter's and there daughters. The boys don't get a look in. She then wonders why dh and our son's are that bothered by her 🙄

Yeah there is something seriously wrong. Either your parents are just bat shit or any chance you are not your dads..

Not that it makes their behaviour acceptable but a man begrudgingly raising a child his his with a wife willing to prove her “mistake” was a mistake while treating the then shared child like gold and you like Cinderella would at least have a reason.

I am puzzled.......what exactly are you paying £500 a month for if you have to go to a launderette to do your washing and have to buy and cook your own food?? FFS your parents are ripping you off big time and certainly favour your brother over you. Totally unacceptable.

You seriously need to have a talk with your parents and your brother

So clearly your parents are not going to listen to your very justified complaints - all you can do is keep pushing it in terms of moving away. I would strongly suggest looking for work in other parts of the UK where rents are lower, and then when you find something, leave your toxic family behind, never speak to them again and build a family of your own. Honestly, you would be justified in not even telling them where you were going.

This is so sad to read😢. I would have had it all out with them by now, even if by blazing row … and if we fell out - we fell out. It’s not like you would be treated any worse if you fell out, they treat you appallingly anyway. They sound vile. Make the best life you can for yourself and be really really low contact. They don’t deserve your time and to be a part of your life.

I'd show your parents this thread OP, unbelievable! I really do feel for you, it sounds awful.

Gosh, that is a lot.

You are essentially, as a pp said, Cinderella!

I'd start putting the £500 in a savings account and tell them it's so you can move out. If they need the money, I guess you and DB could both contribute £250?

Eh? Is this meant to be sarcasm?

This is narcissistic behaviour from your DM, google the signs. Your DF is either similarly minded or too weak to stand up to her.

Agree with PP above, if you start standing up for yourself or leave (taking that £500 a month with you) they could get worse and make you out to be horrible and unreasonable, to try to make you do what they want. Keep looking back at all the comments in this thread and remind yourself that you are not wrong, they are!
Hope you can find a way to escape soon, and get yourself some therapy as it will have had effects on your self esteem you don’t realise yet. Good luck

I'm just wondering how they treated you at Christmas OP?

This is so sad! Like a pp, I wanna give you a hug and a roast dinner. If I'd met you in real life and heard this I'd be supporting you to move out ASAP. I wonder if your brother would lend you enough money to move out? Take care of yourself and maybe a little bit of comfort from knowing mumsnet is supporting you.

Honestly I would see if you could maybe rent a flat with some friends or move somewhere where the rent is cheap and get another job there. Build a new life away from them because I would put money on you going no contact with them at some point anyway so just get the ball rolling now. Start making a new support around you without them in it.

This is absolutely appalling treatment.

Im So sorry you are treated this way. It is utterly unfair and wrong. All you can do is move out as soon as you can and then have very low contact with them. I doubt they will change and probably wouldn’t listen to you explaining the disparity.
Remember when they need help as they get older and just refuse to be the one who takes on the responsibility. If they want to treat you like a lesser child then that’s what they’ll get later on. Less from you.

Have you looked at being a lodger rather than house share.
Sooner you go the better for your wellbeing.

If you truly don't see that this is grossly unfair, unreasonable and unacceptable then you need help.

Stop with the fake nonsense. You're entitled to feel pissed off and I'd be having a massive conversation about it if I was you

Your brother is a shit if he knows about the difference and does nothing about it.

Just so you know, OP, when parents set up a Golden Child and Black Sheep dynamic, and they have, the Black Sheep often ends up in a better position.

The GC is often dependent, enmeshed, pathetic and unable to make new relationships and be successful. They haven't got any skills, either emotionally or practically.

The BS, if they can break away, has mad skills, knows how to do everything, is very independent and has leaned to be self-sufficient.

The thing that stops this is low self-esteem from the emotional abuse, and chasing their love. If you can avoid that, the world is your oyster. Work on your work, relationships outside your family, and moving as far and as fast as you can. The rest of your life, away from these weirdos, awaits. But you HAVE to choose to slough off their strange dynamic.

I married (and divorced) a GC BTW, and his BS brother was by far the better man.

Local facebook is often a good place to try (I know younger people don’t really use it)

Your parents are awful people and this is not normal behaviour. I'd advise getting out of there as soon as possible. Let the 3 of them live their weird little lives together and you set off on a new adventure yourself. She's doing your brother no favours raising him to be a man child who is incapable of looking after himself. God help his future partners!! Absolute nightmare.

Have you looked on local Facebook groups for house shares? You could also contact letting agents frequently and ask them if anything is coming up which hasn't yet been advertised? Good luck and let us know how you get on!

This happened to my friend when I was a teen. Eventually she confided in an aunt who was horrified and they both confronted the parents. Life did get better and fairer after that.

Never before have I wished so hard that this was a troll post.

I wish I could give you a hug and make you a roast dinner (I'm a rubbish cook, but it would be made with love!).

I could cry for you.

Please leave home as soon as you can as this must be so damaging for your mental health. Move in and leave them to it. Maybe they'll regret their choices when they need care and wonder boy isn't interested.

Is there anyone at work looking for a lodger or to share?
I’d be making it known you are looking. Things often come from friends of friends.