Page 12 | To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

CinnamonStick77 · 2025-01-19T15:28:44+00:00

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him. I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs. He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week. She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me. I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me. I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories. I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out. I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it. I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021. My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs. I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 23/01/2025 11:03

LindorDoubleChoc · 19/01/2025 16:36

This can't be real?

My thoughts exactly.

CautiousLurker01 · 23/01/2025 11:19

Sorry but this seems deeply unfair. If I were you I’d look to move out and probably go no contact as soon as possible. You deserve to be treated better than this.

Magicpaintbrush · 23/01/2025 11:42

That absolutely appalling, there is a massive massive difference between how they are treating you and your brother. Definite favouritism, that must be so hurtful for you.

As soon as you can move out, do. And when your parents are old and expect you to pitch in and care for them I wouldn't bloody well bother - leave it to their favourite, your brother. Who, doubtless will do fuck all to help them having been used to everyone running after him all his life. They should reap what they sow.

I recommend you put plenty of distance between yourself and them and go have a fabulous life somewhere wonderful where you can meet new people that love and care for you.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 23/01/2025 11:50

Probably get my head ripped off for this!

Firstly, you should both be treated equitably and fairly. The only excuse I can make for your mother, is she is following what her parents did perhaps.

You need to sit down with your parents and explain why you feel you are treated unfairly.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 23/01/2025 11:53

CinnamonStick77 · 19/01/2025 16:11

I think what stings is things like my parents are having a roast dinner tonight, with all the trimmings, for just the two of them. If I wanted to join in, I'd have to buy and cook everything myself. Which I can't afford and also wouldn't be able to do because we don't have the oven space to cook two roasts at once. So I'm left eating alone, but if my brother was home he'd be joining in.

That is horrific, emotional abuse. So so sorry Op.

ruethewhirl · 23/01/2025 11:58

Why are some pps doubting the veracity of this? Not all mums are all warm-hearted bundles of love, you know. Some have no right to call themselves mothers at all, including OP's mum.

OP, this is terrible! It's outright abuse/financial exploitation and must be deeply hurtful. I haven't had time to RTFT, but take any opportunity you can to get away from these awful people. I agree with pp who said prioritise this financially at the moment rather than a car.

MaryBeardy · 23/01/2025 12:04

Christ! I’m so sorry. This is abusive. I would be furious if I were you. WTAF?? Has it ever been thus? Is your dad really your biological father? Your mum resents you for some reason. I hope you get out of there and DO NOT look after them when you’re older

CautiousLurker01 · 23/01/2025 12:04

ruethewhirl · 23/01/2025 11:58

Why are some pps doubting the veracity of this? Not all mums are all warm-hearted bundles of love, you know. Some have no right to call themselves mothers at all, including OP's mum.

OP, this is terrible! It's outright abuse/financial exploitation and must be deeply hurtful. I haven't had time to RTFT, but take any opportunity you can to get away from these awful people. I agree with pp who said prioritise this financially at the moment rather than a car.

Agree with this. Appreciate you are on minimum wage, but I’d visit citizen’s advice and explore universal credit eligibility etc and see if you can make a plan to leave home or house share. Don’t tell your family, so make plans and then leave. You may be able to explore training and work related courses to help you move into better paid jobs if you are on UC, too, so do seek advice.

Am so sorry this is the way you are being treated, OP, but sadly there are definitely some awful mothers out there and some cultures that encourage this type off male favouritism.

NachoChip · 23/01/2025 12:04

I'm so sorry OP. Every message is that they want to bully you out of the house, and the return of rent is not to apologise but to make it happen faster.

What is your brother's take on this, he must see this happening, is he not sticking up for you - do you get along?

Sending you all the very best of luck for moving out and finding your happy. Your independence will set you in good stead for the future and all your hard won successes will feel all the sweeter.

Dotjones · 23/01/2025 12:11

It's probably fair because you're the older child. The older child is born with a natural advantage over their younger siblings so it's right that the younger ones get more support. To be fair it sounds like it's taken to the extreme in this case but you shouldn't expect to be treated exactly the same. It's a bit like with how disabled people are treated, an employer can't say to someone in a wheelchair that they are being treated equally because they are expected to be up and down stairs all day like other employees, they have to make adjustments like installing ramps or a lift. Equality isn't treating everyone the same.

sesquipedalian · 23/01/2025 12:19

“my parents are having a roast dinner tonight, with all the trimmings, for just the two of them.”

I find this incomprehensible. For various reasons (including COVID), my DD didn’t move out until she was almost thirty - I wouldn’t have DREAMT of not offering her dinner every day. In fact, as she’s vegetarian, often I would make something specially for her. I just can’t imagine making a whole roast dinner and not sharing with anyone who was in the house. CinnamonStick, you have blown my mind with this!

ladymactíre · 23/01/2025 12:24

Dotjones · 23/01/2025 12:11

It's probably fair because you're the older child. The older child is born with a natural advantage over their younger siblings so it's right that the younger ones get more support. To be fair it sounds like it's taken to the extreme in this case but you shouldn't expect to be treated exactly the same. It's a bit like with how disabled people are treated, an employer can't say to someone in a wheelchair that they are being treated equally because they are expected to be up and down stairs all day like other employees, they have to make adjustments like installing ramps or a lift. Equality isn't treating everyone the same.

what are you talking about?!
“my parents are having a roast dinner tonight, with all the trimmings, for just the two of them.”
They ate, threw away the leftovers and never asked her if she wants some! This is not fair. It is disgusting. What's age to do with all of this? It's 11 months between them, not like the brother is a baby

unicornpower · 23/01/2025 12:27

I’m sorry your mum is treating you like this, my MIL is the same to the youngest brother, he can do no wrong and she is horrible to her daughter (middle child) so much so, my SIL just emigrated. It’s horrible, I would be looking to move out ASAP, I would guess they will expect you to do everything for them in old age and he will be excused!

BMW6 · 23/01/2025 12:30

Dotjones

WTF are you smoking? 😡

Naunet · 23/01/2025 12:33

Your parents are deeply misogynistic, as are some of the posters here who are only blaming your mother for this. Misogyny is everywhere, but especially bad when it comes from your own parents, mine were similar but not as extreme.

kiraric · 23/01/2025 12:34

I think in Western society it's much more common for mums favour their daughters - I have seen so many posts about how obviously the daughter of the house needs a bigger bedroom, their own bathroom, closer to their children than their brothers, help them more financially.

I think in this case it's just straightforward favouritism rather than sexism

Naunet · 23/01/2025 12:39

Dotjones · 23/01/2025 12:11

It's probably fair because you're the older child. The older child is born with a natural advantage over their younger siblings so it's right that the younger ones get more support. To be fair it sounds like it's taken to the extreme in this case but you shouldn't expect to be treated exactly the same. It's a bit like with how disabled people are treated, an employer can't say to someone in a wheelchair that they are being treated equally because they are expected to be up and down stairs all day like other employees, they have to make adjustments like installing ramps or a lift. Equality isn't treating everyone the same.

😂 utter rubbish.

Twaddlepip · 23/01/2025 12:41

unicornpower · 23/01/2025 12:27

I’m sorry your mum is treating you like this, my MIL is the same to the youngest brother, he can do no wrong and she is horrible to her daughter (middle child) so much so, my SIL just emigrated. It’s horrible, I would be looking to move out ASAP, I would guess they will expect you to do everything for them in old age and he will be excused!

I expect you’re right. And I hope the OP laughs in their faces, tells them to fuck off, and lives happily ever after.

Sdpbody · 23/01/2025 12:45

I don't think I have ever come across something so unequal and unfair.

I would go NC immediately.

User860131 · 23/01/2025 12:50

I'm not allowed to question the validity of this post according to mn rules so here goes my advice in good faith...

It isn't fair how you're being treated. However neither you or your brother have any grounds for protest when you're grown adults and living under your parent's roof still. If you have an issue with how you're being treated then find a way of being financially independent. It may be harder practically but emotionally it will feel soooo much better to stand on your own 2 feet and rid yourself of any obligation towards these parents. You're perfectly within your right to tell these people to f off and never darken your doorstep again (who could blame you) but you will need your own doorstep first. You'll only have the upper hand when you make the jump towards being independent. Maybe I'm naive to (London?) House prices but I can't see a situation where you can't find at least a house share/lodging for 500 a month or less.

rainingsnoring · 23/01/2025 12:59

Dotjones · 23/01/2025 12:11

It's probably fair because you're the older child. The older child is born with a natural advantage over their younger siblings so it's right that the younger ones get more support. To be fair it sounds like it's taken to the extreme in this case but you shouldn't expect to be treated exactly the same. It's a bit like with how disabled people are treated, an employer can't say to someone in a wheelchair that they are being treated equally because they are expected to be up and down stairs all day like other employees, they have to make adjustments like installing ramps or a lift. Equality isn't treating everyone the same.

What absolute rubbish. The older child has no advantage purely because of their birth position.

@CinnamonStick77 your parents are appalling. I hope they stick to their promise to pay you back some of your rent money and that you can move out as soon as possible. Don't forget their abusive treatment when they are older and suddenly want your help. It's so often the scapegoated child that is guilt tripped into helping because the spoiled golden child doesn't help at all.

latetothefisting · 23/01/2025 13:09

Dotjones · 23/01/2025 12:11

It's probably fair because you're the older child. The older child is born with a natural advantage over their younger siblings so it's right that the younger ones get more support. To be fair it sounds like it's taken to the extreme in this case but you shouldn't expect to be treated exactly the same. It's a bit like with how disabled people are treated, an employer can't say to someone in a wheelchair that they are being treated equally because they are expected to be up and down stairs all day like other employees, they have to make adjustments like installing ramps or a lift. Equality isn't treating everyone the same.

I think OP's mum has found the thread!

latetothefisting · 23/01/2025 13:14

Yes, you are naive, if you think you can get a room in a house share for £500 in London or anywhere near!

if you have doubts about the veracity of the OP you know you can just move on and not reply, particularly when your advice is so out of touch as to not be useful in any way?

Edited -that's was to @User860131, for some reason the quote didn't stay in

Twaddlepip · 23/01/2025 13:16

User860131 · 23/01/2025 12:50

I'm not allowed to question the validity of this post according to mn rules so here goes my advice in good faith...

It isn't fair how you're being treated. However neither you or your brother have any grounds for protest when you're grown adults and living under your parent's roof still. If you have an issue with how you're being treated then find a way of being financially independent. It may be harder practically but emotionally it will feel soooo much better to stand on your own 2 feet and rid yourself of any obligation towards these parents. You're perfectly within your right to tell these people to f off and never darken your doorstep again (who could blame you) but you will need your own doorstep first. You'll only have the upper hand when you make the jump towards being independent. Maybe I'm naive to (London?) House prices but I can't see a situation where you can't find at least a house share/lodging for 500 a month or less.

Edited

Yeah you are naive. House share for £500 or less in London? You’re dreaming. You can get a parking space for that.

ClawedButler · 23/01/2025 13:16

It's not fair, and more importantly, it's not normal.

I hope you are able to get out of this situation soon. I always say the past is like a burning building - you look back on it and wonder how on earth you ever survived, how on earth you put up with it for so long.

But you WILL survive. The silver lining is that this has taught you independence and self-reliance. (I'm guessing your brother, unless he finds a completely brainless wife with no backbone or self-esteem to take over from his mum, will struggle to even make himself a sandwich on his own.)

Good luck to you, you deserve all manner of lovely things.