To wonder if my brother is the favourite, or if this is really just the difference between how parents treat their sons and daughters?

[CinnamonStick77]

My brother and I are both in our early 20s, and both still living at home. We are close in age, I am 11 months older than him.

I also just want to preface this with I have no issue with what's expected of me at home, but more the fact that there are such clear differences in how we are treated. There are not really any differences between us. We're both working pretty much the same hours, in minimum wage jobs.

He is currently on holiday, and my mum has deep cleaned his bedroom. She's taken all of his clothes (washed and unwashed), washed them all, dried and ironed them. When I asked if I could just put a load of washing on so I have clean clothes for work, she said no. So I've had to walk round to our local laundrette and have spent £10 on getting my washing done for the week.

She's also completely cleaned his room - moved everything, cleaned it all, and put it all back. She would never do this for me.

I asked if I could strip my bed and put it on before work tomorrow (to save costs at the laundrette) and if someone could just swap my washing to the dryer, and they said no, this is my responsibility and I can't expect them to baby me.

I mentioned wanting to take a trip for my birthday, and she said that it was a waste of money when I should be saving for a house. He's encouraged to go on holiday and it's labelled as him making memories.

I have to pay rent, around £500 a month. He's not expected to pay anything. Sadly this is pretty much a third of what rent would cost, so even if I wasn't paying that I wouldn't be able to move out.

I have to do my own food shopping and cook all of my own meals. He's given three cooked meals a day, and whatever he wants for food is just put on my parents food shopping each week. He has no budget. If I want something from the fridge, like if I run out of milk in the morning, I'm expected to replace it by that evening, or pay them back for it.

I've been paying for my own phone contract since 2021, he still gets his paid for by them. He has unlimited data and gets a new phone every 18 months or so, I've had the same one since 2021.

My brother was gifted a car when he passed his test, I'm saving up for one but even by the time I've saved, I don’t know if I'll have enough each month to run it. They often take his car out to pay for fuel, they cover all maintenance costs and insurance costs.

I just feel like there's a huge contrast between how we're treated, but I don’t know if I'm being unreasonable to feel this way

May I politely ask what culture you are from?

I'd also encourage to look for a house share

My son had to move for work and pays £650 for a large room in a smart town in a house share which covers all bills except food.

I was wondering the same to be honest.

I experienced this although it was myself & my younger sister, rather than a brother.

It’s horrible. And my sister fully agreed too.

I did calmly ask why but didn’t get an answer. Sometimes silence says everything and is the answer.

This must be a Parallel Universe Thread!
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The only difference in the way my DParents treat me and my DB is that he's a bit prickly, so my DM will say things to me that he would snap at her for. They tend to be either batshit things or interfering suggestions. So my response is "would you say that to DB?" That usually ends it.

So I don't think the differences in how you and your brother are treated are normal. Have you ever asked about it?

We're from England

I've brought it up in the moment, and I'm told I've got a chip on my shoulder

This is not how normal parents treat sons and daughters OP. I have a brother and there is no way that my parents would do this.

Blatant unfair sexism.

Wow! I have never heard of anything this extreme. You are paying rent and he is not because he's got a weenie? Outrageous ! You're misogynistic mum is raising a cocklodger, no wonder men are entitled if catered to like this at home! Let go of the laundry and cleaning rooms. You know that it's reasonable for you to do this on your own and your brother will have to learn this onr day. Focus on the important differences : why are you paying rent while he's not? Why isn't he supposed to cook and buy groceries while it's expected of you?

Is your mum trying to keep him at home forever? Does she work? The relationship she has with your brother sounds really unhealthy, like she's doing everything to keep him home that's why she doesn't want him to learn basic life skills. You need to get away asap. If I were you I would rent a room somewhere to get away from this.

This^
and by the way it’s not like loving parents treat their children at all so remember this brother regardless

Blatant sexism and misogyny would be a chip on anyone's shoulder. Do you have any family you can talk to? Can they talk to your mum ?

That's all really awful. I'm so sorry that they're treating you so badly in comparison. Do they all eat together while you have to cook your own food and eat alone?

I think you do need to ask in a non attacking way, but I would suggest making a plan B because I imagine you will get back how ungrateful you are and that they are putting a roof over your head etc and won’t be able to acknowledge the disparity.

sad to say even with the conversation it’s unlikely to change, and remember that whilst you’re paying rent thats probably subsidising his lifestyle. Even in the smallest house share it will be more liberating than staying out.

And when they are old and need personal care ,I'm sure your brother will repay their kindness while you enjoy your freedom

I am so sorry to read this they sound awful!
Hope you can get out soon, do you have any family you could talk to about this? Do your aunts/uncles have children and do the same? If my brother/sister were treating their children that differently I would be saying something to them!!

I reckon a mix of both favourite child and it’s a son.

Your mother probably babies him more for being a boy, I bet she’s sexist in other places if you think about it. So cleaning his room and doing his washing is jobs boys don’t do, also maybe add in some slight fear of “a sons a son till he gets a wife blah blah blah” making sure she’s well and truly permanently marking her territory and love so nobody can compare to mummy.

Then add in favourite for his should make memories and running his car for him.

Basically for you she’s a mum from hell and will be a future mother in law from hell too.

Head down, don’t ask for favours, save save save, buy that home and then go LC.

This is how my brother was treated compared to me and is the reason I moved out and bought a house at 20 - but to do that I ended up married to someone unsuitable and in the end, violent.

It's a shitty way to treat you, OP and shows very clear favouritism. My mum has always shown my partners favouritism over me too, as if she'd prefer them to be her child rather than me.

I used to get the same 'chip on
my shoulder' comment too. Along with 'you need knocking off your high horse' for daring to ask why things weren't equal.

Your parents are arseholes OP. That’s the long and short of it. Trust me, my mother is also an arsehole and I can spot them a mile away.

I hope you find a job that allows you to move out soon.

Corner them, so they can't leave, over a meal is good, or on a car journey.

If they say 'you're being over sensitive' or 'you've got a chip on your shoulder' just say 'so what if I have... please answer the question - why does X get a maid service, free phone, free food...?'

It isn't unreasonable for you to pay some rent, replace food etc... what is unreasonable is that he gets everything for free AND everything to do with him takes priority.

This isn't just favouritism. It's out and out nastiness. Your mother is a bitch. I'm sorry.

How dare they treat you like this. Try to move. You can also point out how unfair and abusive they are being. Because they are. Creeps. Sorry, your DP I know, but they are.

This is awful OP. Is there anything relevant about your age gap? i.e. are you over 21 (an adult) and him under? Could that account for any of the difference in expectations? However, I am clutching at straws in an effort to understand it as opposed to justify it. This is a terrible setup and I second the advice to move out as soon as you can. You will be much more able to thrive when you do.

@CinnamonStick77

Good God, that's horrible! My parents treated my DB and I exactly the same, even down to being sure if they gave one of us a 'largish' sum of cash or something of value the other got 'equal value'. For example, when Mum gave me her mother's engagement ring they gave DB an equal amount of cash. They were scrupulously fair, even if one of us said "No, you don't have to" they would insist.

We both left home 'youngish' but around the same age. Things after that were a bit 'ebb and flow' but you could see that they equalized as much as they could. At any rate, neither of us felt the other was 'favoured'. When DB moved home for a bit, they charged him rent. The same when I did for a few months before a permanent move.

DH and I do the same for our two sons. We never want one to feel the other is the favourite because they both are!

I agree with other posters with this proviso, if you can deal with this within yourself and find peace with it then grit your teeth and leave when you've saved up enough. If you cannot find peace with this (and I'm not saying you should) then you need to leave now.

My mother is like this with my brothers. She just doesn't like women, and that includes her daughters.
Two of my brothers can see through her and are nice normal men but the other one is a misogynistic knob who thinks he's the centre of the universe.
It hasn't done him any favours, he struggles with life.

Get away from them and into your own place. A room in a shared house will be better than that.

You need to leave, get into a house share. The longer you stay there, the more resentful you will become as they won't change. I imagine it must feel really hurtful.