to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

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We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

He’s a teacher so he’d obviously be working at school. Why are you trying to break up the OP’s marriage? Your posts are very odd.

I'm surprised lots of PP say neither of you at fault as if DH is not more to blame than you are. Your DH agreed to take DS to the appointment and you were away. Ofsted doesn't compare to dealing with a very recent bereavement. Why does Ofsted trump medical appointment? It doesn't!

I'd have been annoyed with DH too.

Hospitals have hundreds and hundreds of employees. One absence probably wouldn't make much difference. Schools don’t. (A smallish primary school might have under a dozen teaching staff, and it can be impossible to get supply cover in some areas.)
I agree that the OP's husband was very wrong to forget about the appointment, but I’m sure he didn’t just "not bother" to attend it. I assume it just went completely out of his mind, which was full of work and other worries.
I have worked in a variety of jobs, including teaching, a hospital, law firms and a commercial company. Being in a school during Ofsted was by far the most stressful and all-consuming work experience I ever had.

If a company was closed down because of one yes it would be in the press. I don't think schools should give a fuck about estate agents.

If it was a food safety agency audit yes it would be published and companies shamed in the press if they failed. ofsted isn't some how the audits to top all audits.

If OP is concerned about DD then she should be assessed, regardless of DH’s opinion (which we don’t even know, anyway).
Better to get autism confirmed or ruled out so they can figure out the support DD might benefit from.

Not all employees have equal roles in audits and inspections, you are right that some people “wouldn’t be missed”. Maybe you were one of those.

Apparently according to PP ofsted wouldn’t be anywhere near the school by Friday.

Honestly I’m not sure why there are so many apologists, but goodness you are all lucky if you don’t know what it’s like to wait over a year for an appointment for a disabled child. If you give a shit about your child, it’s definitely in the diary.

Honestly I’m not sure why there are so many apologists, but goodness you are all lucky if you don’t know what it’s like to wait over a year for an appointment for a disabled child. If you give a shit about your child, it’s definitely in the diary.

Exactly. It's not the kind of thing that just goes 'completely out of [your] mind', even if you are senior enough to be involved in an external audit.

Just call yourself.

The NHS’s performance is very often reported usually by main stream media, especially waiting times. Assessment waiting times are woeful and this is definitely not helped when precious appointments are wasted through non attendance without prior notice.

It's been estimated that each missed hospital appointment costs the NHS £165 in terms of wasted clinical time and extra admin – that's around £1.2Bn each year. This is an additional financial pressure on an already overstretched health service.

OP’s DH could have called if he was unable to attend he really should have called to rearrange the appointment. He could have even asked his DM to call since she thinks he shouldn’t have to put his big boy pants on.

Your post here is very odd. Nowhere did i say the op’s husband wasn't in school on the Friday. I said the OFSTED inspectors were clearly not in his school on the Friday. OP’s DH said they were. But that is not how OFSTED are currently working.

why are you trying to excuse the husband lying to his wife? Your standards are low.

I don’t disagree with any of that, and his mother's attitude is ridiculous. But having been through a number of Ofsteds I can understand how all-consuming they are and how it is possible for them to crowd everything else out of one's mind for days. He made a bad mistake, but I see no reason to assume it was deliberate.

I was referring to @LegoBingo ’s post querying where the OP’s husband was and there earlier posts suggesting the OP should end her marriage over a missed appointment which is quite frankly bonkers.

I'd be livid at the lack of apology. I've been through ofsted a few times, including one where it did not go well at all. It's not an excuse to miss such an important appointment when you had explicitly told him about it and couldn't be there yourself. He should have rearranged. It is really hard trying to rearrange appointments during school hours, as you can't sit there on hold as you only get little breaks, but he should have tied. I think call them, apologise, offer to send a copy of the death certificate. Otherwise you may find yourselves back at the end of the very long waiting list.

Not the missed appointment. The blaming of the missed appointment on op

And I've still been there at 10.30pm in the two days following some inspections where they're thrashing out whether the Head and entire Board of Governors should resign, what's going to be done to keep the school running, how to appeal the finding, full blown rows, discussions about academisation, if the school should close, whether the report will be issued before or after the admissions deadline - think the latest was 11.45pm.

He's a twat.
A selfish loser who couldn't step up even once.
I think you need to tell them about a sudden bereavement and you having to travel.

Condolences to you OP.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I've been at similar. Unless the OP's husband was the head or a member of SLT, he needed to find a way to sort it out. He could have arranged for a relative or friend to call them to at least say the child would be a no show. Mistakes happen though. It's the not taking ownership and lack of apology that would annoy me.

I doubt he'd have been able to make the appointment, but under the circumstances he should have emailed to cancel it.

This isn't the sort of thing you email to cancel! You phone. So they can offer the appointment to someone else ASAP.

Except you can't phone if you work in a school and the appointment team only answer the phone during working hours. Especially not during an ofstead inspection.

In think in this instance you need to put your son first and the rearrangement of the appointment is more likely to be speedier if you are the one to fall on your sword and say you have been bereaved. Galling but I think for the best.

Your husband is being an ostrich on this point by the sound of things. Possibly because he is in denial himself about his own traits but he does not sound like he is making this any sort of priority for your son or daughter. Odd for a teacher tbh, I wouldn't expect him not to take it seriously. But I'm not qualified to psycho analyse his motivations 😉

I'm really sorry you have been bereaved. Be kind to yourself and your marriage. This is recoverable. You can give him an earful another time.

I'm sorry but this is not a good enough excuse for something as important and hard to access as an ADHD assessment. A GP appointment for something fairly minor or similar I could understand given the circumstances, but this missed appointment likely means that this child will be discharged and have to try to access the waiting lists again for which he'll have another 1.5 year or more wait, all the while he'll not be able to access support or medication for his condition, which could have a significant and detrimental affect on his development, his education, his friendships and his mental health. There is also the fact that ADHD services are under significant strain, and another child could have had that slot. It was not OK to miss this appointment regardless of what was going on in the parent's lives.

At no point did I say it was okay but what is done, is done. Should she LTB and end the marriage? Continue to shout? Or consider the next steps.

She arranged for the other parent to go. There should be an IQ test to comment on posts. FFS

Fuck that. Sounds like my exMIL who cried when ExDP was given one day a week with the kids, and offered to take them instead, because he shouldn’t have his life disrupted. I’m sorry about your dad OP 💐