to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

[DataColour]

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

I think you will get a better reception if you call and explain the bereavement. I’m
sorry for your loss.

in a week, hold a meeting with dh where you say addressing your children’s needs is critical to you and it makes you feel like he doesn’t care about them. If they had a broken leg, would he take them to the hospital and follow up appts, or would he just think not my problem? You feel he’s decided their potential condition is not his problem and if he is that would make him a pretty crappy dad, both for leaving you to carry the whole load and for not caring about his children, and you’d really like him to to show you that’s not the case. Have a couple of tasks he can take on and say pointedly, I only had one dad and he had just died, times like that it really is up the partner to carry the family. The timing with ofsted is unfortunate but not much trumps a parent dying and I hope you take a few minutes and remember to be either extremely understanding and forgiving if balls get dropped because you’re caught up in something and appreciative of the load carried if I just manage everything. Im your wife not a household appliance of limitless capacity and 24/7 operation. Our children need us both.

And your mil can fuck right off. Women like that are why there are these men.

Erm this happened recently very similar lost my grandad who I cared for, was away a few days one of our twins was supposed to go to the hospital for her next appointment about arranging a leg op to straighten it up. Hubby totally forgot to put it in his diary even tho he promised to take her. But when I found out they had missed it I just made a new one because not only was I upset that week and mind all over the place and had to go deal with funeral arrangements etc so was hubby and left with 3 kids plus working etc so it was as bad for him a changed week as it was for me. Sorry for your loss but just re make the appointment you both had a stressful week

When I pulled her up on it she says it was a tongue in cheek comment. As if. It's not a time for jokes and I know for a fact my SILs husband is that useless that SIL looks after their daughter like a single parent.

I'll be calling the clinic when they open at 9am and hope for the best.

Good luck.

kindly meant, it wasn’t as bad for him as you. You lost a grandparent. He had to juggle his own 3 kids and working, he had what should be a perfectly normal load for any good parent, it’s not a perfectly normal load due to also being upset that his wife’s grandpa had died, but it’s not as bad for him as for you.

All the best @DataColour - hope they're able to squeeze him in somewhere.

What an overreaction, many loving parents manage to forget appointments when life is hectic.

Not something this massively important they don't. It's not at all an over reaction

I'm surprised so many people are saying it's "just one of these things / unfortunate"

I'd argue it's entirely DH's fault the appointment was missed and indicates he regarded it as OP's responsibility. I'd be quite unimpressed

Phone up say you are very sorry, but your dad died. Ask for the next available appointment.

@HipToTheHopDontStop you genuinely thinking ending the marriage and only allowing this father weekend contact is a proportionate response to having forgot an appointment when there'd been a death in the close family and an OFSTED inspection?

You would genuinely leave your husband over something like that? And deprive a child of daily contact with their father?

Fuck me. That's insane.

I got an appointment! End of Feb so not too long to wait.
I thought they'd say no as they asked me if we had called to cancel. But once I explained about my dad and apologised profusely they were sympathetic and called me back with a slot.
I'm glad I didn't leave it to DH.
but it's tiring bearing the mental load for such things.

What a relief op. I don't think people who haven't had to go through this process realise just how hard it is and how serious it is. It's not a dentist appointment, it's life changing and being pushed to the bottom of the queue or being discharged for a no show has very serious consequences. Glad you're sorted and good luck to your dc xx

I'm so glad you got the appointment sorted OP. I hope you can get through to your DH.

So pleased op.
You can kill Dh later!

I wouldn't, no. But the biggest thing for me is him not taking responsibility for fucking up. I guarantee it's not a one off. And eventually, you cant keep carrying them along like another child....

To be fair, most teachers wouldn't either.
Seems way more like a dh problem here.

Excellent news.

Aa long as your DH knew of the appointment , your DH is ultimately at fault. Why does he not know when his DS's appointment is and why should you have to remind him.

@HipToTheHopDontStop so what was your comment about then?

When I replied saying to the poster who advised leaving her husband and letting him have weekend contact that it was an overreaction you then replied to me saying it wasn't... now you're saying that you yourself wouldn't end a marriage over it...

What I would do and what someone else chooses to do can be very different things.

If you haven't been through a process like this you wont understand the importance, for him to just not to do it, and to take no responsibility....it's huge. It's a really really big deal. And if this was just one more thing he'd failed in....well, it's easy to see how it could be the last straw for someone, and why they might not feel able to continue with the relationship.

it’s good it worked out.

your husband really needs to understand what he did here. No idea how to get through to him.

I will suggest that both parents really should be at an evaluation like this if at all possible. You may each offer different insights during the parent portion.

This comes down to the typical thing- man looks out for himself and work, women does everything else! Man with women away = bare minimum effort! Not ok! No excuses!

I'd be livid. He knows how long you waited for that appointment and you were in another country so you physically could not do it. Glad you got another one but you need a chat with your DH about stepping up and taking some responsibility.