to be really annoyed at DH? Missed DS's appointment.

[DataColour]

We have been waiting for an ADHD assessment appointment for DS for over 1.5yrs. Finally got it through for Friday just gone.
I was meant to take him, but my father passed away last weekend and I had to fly out long haul last Sunday. I told DH he'd have to take DS to the appointment. All ok and agreed.
Came back exhausted and ill yesterday and turned out they hadn't been to the appointment.
DH is a teacher and they had Ofsted in earlier in the week but it got extended and inspection didn't end till Friday, day of appointment. I appreciate it's very stressful having Ofsted in but AIBU to think that DH didn't even put the appointment in his calendar, otherwise he could have rearranged it. He's claiming he didn't have time to think of anything else.
My mind was occupied by my dad's funeral which took up days and it was a stressful time, so I forgot to remind DH
He didn't even say sorry and blames me for being annoyed at him. I did shout at him, but I felt that after having done all the leg work myself to get this appointment, he attended no school or GP appointments, he's dismissively acts like he's done no wrong.
Did I overreact?

Also infuriating that he just 'missed' the appointment ... an appointment that thousands of desperate parents would kill for these days as they're so fucking hard to get. I know people who have been waiting years!

Tbf, if a 16 year old can organise, plan and get to his appointments solo, he would be unlikely to be on waitlist for adhd assessment…

Oh well, that’s alright then. No charge of gross misconduct will touch you if you’ve got the union involved.

Sprogonthetyne

Again, I was not justifying his behaviour and the fact he did not phone to rearrange the appointment, or even phone the OP to tell her he wouldn't be able to make it.

I was simply responding to a comment by another poster than they are given a few days notice. They are given half a day.

Of the extension - it would be a similar time, or possibly later on day 2.

Regardless, enough time to rearrange/cancel the appointment,or at least let his wife know, as soon as he knew he couldn't make the appointment.

I was suggesting that he would be aware of the appointment and might have been able to remind his dad. ADHD does not remove the ability to be aware of meetings or what is going on around him

He was planning to take the DC to his appointment. So under these circumstances leave WAS authorised presumably, and it would have been up to the school to justify cancelling it. They cannot unilaterally cancel planned leave and when leave was booked for a reason like this, if they tried to cancel it the DH would have been able to have the union all over it. There's no excuse.

Probably because he's a child with ADHD in his GCSE year. It was never on the 16 year old to remember this appointment and remind his parents.

Gross misconduct? For refusing to agree to cancel planned leave to take a child to a neurodivergence assessment appointment? In what universe do you think a school would win that one, even if they were stupid enough to try?

Actually it does. That's one of the features of ADHD.

It depends on the reason.
If there is a risk to the safety or well-being to pupils then pausing is less likely. In that situation an extension is more likely. Chances are the school were due to fail due to a safeguarding, security, safety, etc.

Pausing happens more when more data/information or additional inspections is needed that wouldn't out children's safety at risk.

Also - can you really not see why a 16y with suspected ADHD may be unable to be responsible for remembering his appointment?

Surely that's fairly obvious - especially to a former ofsted inspector!

Astounding how many people think a bereaved wife on a long haul flight and a 16 year old should be responsible for a fully grown man with a career....

Well, my take is that family medical appointments always trump work. You had suffered a bereavement so DH needed to step up. He failed to. Ofsted or no (and it’s an area I know well), I’d have taken DS to the appointment. Did the inspection really get extended? I find that quite unusual… I’d really be considering the relationship going forward. He’s shown you where his properties lie and it’s not with your child.

Look at the post I was responding to. Context.

<sigh>
walking out of your job without leave is gross misconduct, yes. Again please take the posts I’m responding to into account.

Female teachers with Ofsted inspection would have either a. Managed to get DS to appt or b. Managed to rebook it.

When you believe your job is more important than the family and the children are not your responsibility - that’s when you don’t even bother to put the appt in your diary.
.

IKR.

The reminding dad part for a young person with ADHD feels too much of a burden from my perspective - it was his dad’s job. Also when assessing for ADHD it is best practice to get a parental perspective - so dad needed to attend too.

Why are fathers always excused from the mental load btw - if it’s not the mother’s responsibility, it’s apparently the child’s. Next someone will suggest grandmother should have stepped in. Why is the standard so low?

It's funny how we all manage to sort out appointments and stressful work deliverables at the same time, but husbands and teachers get away with "Ofsted is awful, poor him, you should have reminded him".

YABU it's shit it all happened at once but sometimes life is like that. In the middle of Ofsted without your spouse at home to help with children etc is really really hard. Just ask him to call and rearrange the appointment. I doubt many schools would have let him have the time off to go to it with an inspection happening anyway.

It's not planned leave we are talking about. There are a few reasons teachers can take time off in term times but they are very very few. It's school management agreeing to let you out when you should be teaching. Which if their inspection is going badly they are likely to say sorry we can't do this now.

100%

The bending over backwards to protect men from 'blame' is astounding.
Not much different from standing ovations for men who do the bare minimum with their children while women just get on with it.

I think what often happens is ofsted in Monday-Thursday and then Friday is spent with the setting going through feedback with staff, bollocking them about any difficulties, making loads of plans for improvement etc.

so he would still probably be in the Ofsted mindset and getting bombarded by the SLT. But he should have been able to go to a really important medical apt.

Which doesn't stop him calling to let them know they need to rearrange the appointment.