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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find it a bit rude if someone did this in your home ?

273 replies

imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 11:59

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:01

imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 11:59

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

That was meant to say as ' they ' came through the door.

OP posts:
RunningFromThePastHell · 18/01/2025 12:04

It sounds like her manner is dominating and not great, so I don't think YABU about that.

If I was in her position I'd have been itching to turn the TV off though. Why have it on if it's not being watched, or is a distraction from their games? I wouldn't have actually done it but would have suggested it!

holly1483 · 18/01/2025 12:06

She told you to change your child's clothes / wash their hands at YOUR house?! That's so bizarre.

agree I really don't like tv on 'in the background' (just don't know why people do it as it's a distraction, and if kids are happily playing screen free, why leave it in?) and I'd want to turn it off, but never would in somebody else's home!

MythosK · 18/01/2025 12:07

What do you mean by red flags? Are you in danger of being controlled or manipulated by your friend?

Original poster
imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:07

RunningFromThePastHell · 18/01/2025 12:04

It sounds like her manner is dominating and not great, so I don't think YABU about that.

If I was in her position I'd have been itching to turn the TV off though. Why have it on if it's not being watched, or is a distraction from their games? I wouldn't have actually done it but would have suggested it!

I just like having the TV on. It was some sort of nature programme, on silent. It was more like a screensaver vibe to be honest.

But I totally understand if someone doesn't like that. But don't just switch it off .. Also, the kids weren't watching at all. It wasn't interesting to them and they were having fun playing.

OP posts:
Dryshampoofordays · 18/01/2025 12:08

She sounds abrasive and I wouldn’t want to be friends with that kind of person either! I’d put it down to different personalities rather than her trying to be a dick but you’ve made the right call

Original poster
imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:08

MythosK · 18/01/2025 12:07

What do you mean by red flags? Are you in danger of being controlled or manipulated by your friend?

I just think red flags that this is just not a good person to have a deeper friendship with.

OP posts:
DaDaDoDaiDa · 18/01/2025 12:09

The demanding of clothes being changed and hands being washed of a child other than her own in a house not her own is rude, as is shouting at someone else's child, especially when the parent is there.

Turning the TV off when no one is watching it isn't rude in my opinion.

ThewrathofBethDutton · 18/01/2025 12:11

Nope. Friendship should be easy, friends should be relaxing to be around.

She is not your kind of person, there’s nothing to question here, let it go. Disengage.

KrisAkabusi · 18/01/2025 12:15

Turning the tv off is the biggest non-event. It's particularly perplexing why you keep referring back to it. Turning off a tv on silent that nobody is watching is a normal thing to do.

RosesAndHellebores · 18/01/2025 12:16

Your children are 4/5. Hardly a long standing friendship. You've had a few interactions, you aren't kindred spirits or compatible. Keep it to cheery hellos and playground catch-ups. You are tremendously busy with your youngest and x, y and z.

It requires zero head room and no definitive action.

Original poster
imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:17

KrisAkabusi · 18/01/2025 12:15

Turning the tv off is the biggest non-event. It's particularly perplexing why you keep referring back to it. Turning off a tv on silent that nobody is watching is a normal thing to do.

I'm only talking about it because people keep bring it up.. I wouldn't personally do it, but fine. I accept it's a non event for most people. It doesn't change the rest though..

OP posts:
Arseynal · 18/01/2025 12:17

Weird with the clothes changing and general bossiness. I would keep her at a distance for that.

Not that weird for turning the tv off. Most people turn the tv to watch something then turn it off because it uses energy and is distracting and annoying when in if you aren’t watching anything. It’s rude to have the tv in when you have guests unless you are watching it together.

Original poster
imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:17

RosesAndHellebores · 18/01/2025 12:16

Your children are 4/5. Hardly a long standing friendship. You've had a few interactions, you aren't kindred spirits or compatible. Keep it to cheery hellos and playground catch-ups. You are tremendously busy with your youngest and x, y and z.

It requires zero head room and no definitive action.

Hope so. She's very intense about the ' friendship' hopefully she'll just let it go.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 18/01/2025 12:18

Turning the TV off when no one is watching it isn't rude in my opinion. Not rude in your own house, rude in someone else's house, especially when you're not a regular visitor.

I wouldn't have had it on as background because I wouldn't have wanted to accustom my DC to always have a tv on in the background. But that's not OP's choice, and I wouldn't presume to switch off in her home. Just as I'd take a dim view if she came and switched it on in my home.

Serpentstooth · 18/01/2025 12:19

Lose her. I'm sorry but you're way too busy with this and that to ever let her over your doorstep again. Or be in her company at all. Unbearable.

Mrsbloggz · 18/01/2025 12:20

I would have held her up against the wall by her throat if she treated me like that- metaphorically of course😊

PigInAHouse · 18/01/2025 12:20

You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t really like OP! No one is going to tell you to ignore the things you dislike about her and be friends with her anyway. Just pull back.

Pigeonqueen · 18/01/2025 12:20

Arseynal · 18/01/2025 12:17

Weird with the clothes changing and general bossiness. I would keep her at a distance for that.

Not that weird for turning the tv off. Most people turn the tv to watch something then turn it off because it uses energy and is distracting and annoying when in if you aren’t watching anything. It’s rude to have the tv in when you have guests unless you are watching it together.

Well not really. Most people I know leave the TV on in the background, sort of comforting noise. I admit I would turn it off if I have guests though as it seems like the polite thing to do.

op she isn’t your kind of person. That’s fine: we can’t all be everyone’s cup of tea.

Rosesgrowonyou · 18/01/2025 12:22

All of her behaviour would get on my nerves. Including turning my TV off. She wouldn't be invited to my house again.

You should know, OP. That your thread will now be taken over by posters just focusing on the evils of TV. So good luck!

PiggyPigalle · 18/01/2025 12:22

KrisAkabusi · 18/01/2025 12:15

Turning the tv off is the biggest non-event. It's particularly perplexing why you keep referring back to it. Turning off a tv on silent that nobody is watching is a normal thing to do.

Not in someone else's home, it's not.

Mrsbloggz · 18/01/2025 12:22

This woman is a bully, her modus operandi is to behave outrageously from the get-go. If you don't push back she knows that she can own you, and she then proceeds to do exactly that!

stayathomer · 18/01/2025 12:22

What you hear as demanding might be her just saying really so I don’t think we can know unless we’d heard ourselves. Yes I’d say don’t invite her again if you don’t feel comfortable

TiaraBoo · 18/01/2025 12:22

Well it sounds rude as you say she ‘demanded’ this that and the other. But, your style of writing is quite abrasive, so possibly she asked you to wash your son’s hands as they could’ve had all sorts on them if he was rolling down a hill.

sometimesmovingforwards · 18/01/2025 12:22

She sounds dominant.
But as the saying goes, a strong horse often responds best to a firm hand…

  1. Laugh and say thanks but relax it’s fine, I’ve got it covered.
  2. Don’t laugh but smile, look her in the eye and say thank you, but as I said, just relax as I’ve got it covered.
  3. Listen, you need to relax when in my house. I’ve got this covered. Either wind your neck in or you’re not welcome.

You’ll either end up best buds and she’ll laugh that she needs good friends who point out when she’s being a bit too much.

Or she’ll be mortally offended you stood up to her, her fragile ego will feel chipped and you’ll never see her in your home again.

Either of which are better than just being bullied around in your own home imo!