Would you find it a bit rude if someone did this in your home ?

[imnotgivinup]

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

Maybe, but I've been to people's houses where I've found their 'busy' wallpaper or large pictures hanging up distracting, or maybe a hideous highly contrapuntal carpet.

If it's not my house, my choices are to either put up with somebody else's choice in their own home, or otherwise leave the house.

Yeah, she sounds awful. Anyone who doesn't tip in restaurants for no relevant reason is an arse. She may have OCD or something about cleanliness but that's not your problem. Yeah, I would keep your distance. Stick to play dates in the park and don't have her in the house. Or go out for meals with her. Hopefully you kids and hers won't turn out to be best buddies.

They're not red flags, they're fucking enormous red tents waved on a flagpole

But would it have been better for the kids if she'd insisted on having her choice of programme on with the volume right up - just so that it wasn't 'background' - so they couldn't concentrate on playing as easily with the sound of a boring (to them) TV show to contend with?

Being a parent brings a lot of compromises and 'making do' with it as par for the course in centring the kids, but that doesn't mean that you can't ever have any scraps left over that you can grab for yourself when it doesn't make any difference to the children.

If your son and her son get on that's the main point, their friendship. I'm not best mates with my DCs friends mums, so perhaps you just need to limit the time you have to be together?

Turning the TV off and not tipping at the restaurant are both absolutely fine.

No, they're not.

You don't go around other people's houses looking like you live there. (tv).

Not tipping in a restaurant having had good service just shows you to be a cheapskate.

MNetters seem to agonise over every minor social interaction. So many words for such a series of non-events. Be cordial and move on with your life.

Here I am reading and commenting on this snoozefest 😆

She sounds horrible...phase out. Be busy.

I think the tipping/not tipping in restaurants is a bit of a red herring here.

Personally, I hate the culture and would much, much prefer to be given an (obviously-higher) all-in price rather than the awkwardness and guessing at how much the establishment really wants me to pay for the goods and/or services, to cover all of their costs, profits and fair staff recompense - rather than paying exactly what they've asked me to pay and them potentially badmouthing me as 'tight' afterwards because I didn't pay more, instead of valuing my custom.

However, the fact is that we do have a tipping culture here, which a lot of people like. Choosing for yourself not to tip is absolutely fine; but demanding that dining companions who do want to tip mustn't do so is terrible, controlling behaviour.

I wouldn't find it a bit rude, I'd find it overwhelmingly rude.

I know it all seems really silly! But we spent a fair amount of time together before.

I hate bumping into her now. She always wants to chat etc. it's just uncomfortable.

I'm full of regret of even starting a friendship. I should have just minded my own fucking business and I would have felt chilled picking up my kid from school. Now I'm not comfortable anymore.

I've been so friendly and should have just stuck to myself for peace and quiet.

This wasn't the first thing that happened. I should have seen the big red flags ahead of having invited her to my house but I gave it the benefit of the doubt. I only have myself to blame for being a dumb doormat. And yes I feel angry with myself but also with her, she thinks she's so fucking special. She's absolutely not.

I

I'd worry about how far she might end up taking her desire to dictate and muscle in to live other people's lives for them.

Getting potential Single White Female vibes here!

Yes she tries to get overly involved, big time.

Everything apart from the TV sounds like pretty rude and bossy behaviour on her part.

A TV on when no one is watching it would probably annoy a lot of people, and I think her switching it off is a total non event.

I might have switched off the TV in this situation… in fact I’m almost sure I have done this before - I probably would have asked first if I could do it though and explained it’s stressing me out. But if I thought you were a tricky person who was likely to just say no, I might have just gone ahead and switched it off even though I know it’s a bit rude. As I’d be thinking it was kind of rude of you towards me to have it on in the first place TBH. Plus you weren’t even in the room at the time so who is it putting out really? It’s causing stress to me and it’s not adding anything positive to anyone in the room is how I’d view it.

Because I absolutely can’t stand a TV being on when nobody is watching it, to me it is just adding pointless audio and visual (or in your case just visual) overload to what is already likely a sensory stressful situation in terms of looking in after kids playing together in someone else’s house. And it might push me over the edge of just not being able to cope in terms of stress levels and having to leave. Plus it might well distract the kids from playing happily without screens.

The other stuff I think is for sure rude (and I’ve already said turning off the TV is yes also a bit rude even though I understand why someone might do it and it was rude of you to have it on with guests over) - especially barring your way in your own house! How odd.

Your last couple of sentences are pretty unpleasant, to be honest. You need to face the fact that you don't like her and don't want to spend time with her, rather than stewing in all of that negativity.
You aren't available from now on. Repeat as and when is necessary.

I might have switched off the TV in this situation… in fact I’m almost sure I have done this before - I probably would have asked first if I could do it though and explained it’s stressing me out. But if I thought you were a tricky person who was likely to just say no, I might have just gone ahead and switched it off even though I know it’s a bit rude.

Seriously?! That’s deranged.

Well if you don’t like how this person behaves - no don’t evolve a deeper friendship

i wonder what would happen if you mirrored her behaviour? If you want to her house and bossed her about and turned the tv off?

It's not rude to have a TV on in your own home. It's really rude to turn off someone else's TV in their home.

@MikeRafone I don't know. I feel like she'd shoot you down very fast.

Deranged is a bit steep. She isn't drowning kittens here. 😂

Well, how would you describe this kind of mindset? “I’d ask you if I could turn it off, unless I thought you’d say no, in which case I’d do it anyway, because meeeeeeee!!!!”

She's an obnoxious twat. Back away from this friendship.

I would have put my hand out and said "Stop! This is my house, my rules!"

She might be drowning kittens, who knows!

Yes cool the friendship and tell her why