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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you find it a bit rude if someone did this in your home ?

273 replies

imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 11:59

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

OP posts:
MyProudHare · 18/01/2025 12:23

It just sounds like you're not each other's type of person.

There's no need to store up all her 'misdemeanours' and justify to yourself (or anyone here) why you don't want to be friends with her.

You just don't. And that's fine.

HazelLion · 18/01/2025 12:24

TiaraBoo · 18/01/2025 12:22

Well it sounds rude as you say she ‘demanded’ this that and the other. But, your style of writing is quite abrasive, so possibly she asked you to wash your son’s hands as they could’ve had all sorts on them if he was rolling down a hill.

How on earth is her style of writing abrasive...?

toomuchfaff · 18/01/2025 12:26

Set some boundaries now before she starts to think the way she is acting is acceptable.

I just wanted to clarify, (don't start with "I'm sorry, you're not sorry), you do not need to tell me or my child what to do, how to act, how to sit, when to wash or how to play. It is not your responsibility to do that, I'll parent my child. Do not do that again.

Don't mix your words, don't apologise, it diminishes your message.

StampOnTheGround · 18/01/2025 12:26

Turning the TV off and not tipping at the restaurant are both absolutely fine.

I agree with you on the other parts though!

seelookhearboo · 18/01/2025 12:27

im confused whyvyoure posting tbh. do you need our permission not to be friends with someone you dont like?

PigInAHouse · 18/01/2025 12:27

StampOnTheGround · 18/01/2025 12:26

Turning the TV off and not tipping at the restaurant are both absolutely fine.

I agree with you on the other parts though!

It’s fine to not tip yourself, but weird to dictate that a whole group doesn’t tip.

CovertPiggery · 18/01/2025 12:28

HazelLion · 18/01/2025 12:24

How on earth is her style of writing abrasive...?

I agree with you. It really isn't.

I think some people are desperate for OPs to be wrong so they just make stuff up!

MyProudHare · 18/01/2025 12:29

CovertPiggery · 18/01/2025 12:28

I agree with you. It really isn't.

I think some people are desperate for OPs to be wrong so they just make stuff up!

We clearly all read it differently because I found it abrasive, too.

imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:30

TiaraBoo · 18/01/2025 12:22

Well it sounds rude as you say she ‘demanded’ this that and the other. But, your style of writing is quite abrasive, so possibly she asked you to wash your son’s hands as they could’ve had all sorts on them if he was rolling down a hill.

When she first started saying to change him / wash him I tried to brush her off with ' yup I got it' and was just kind of taking his coat off, helping put his shoes away and she sort of blocked my path and pointed me upstairs. It was really quite demanding. She literally made me go upstairs to avoid me from being rude to her if that makes sense. Following her instructions was the polite thing for me to do. As weird as it sounds.

OP posts:
Doloresparton · 18/01/2025 12:30

She’ll be the ‘friend’ that changes friendship groups constantly as people stop engaging with her.
I have an ex sil like this.
She joins a group but ends up leaving because people ‘freeze her out.’
The common denominator is her.

PennyApril54 · 18/01/2025 12:30

She seems rude. You're right to reduce interactions. The telling you to change your child thing would've riled me. I think best to say something like 'I'll handle that in a second X when I'm ready' I'm deciding I'm leaving a tip' while walking away or something else to dismiss her input is best. You don't need to explain anything to her to justify doing things your way .

Doloresparton · 18/01/2025 12:32

imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:30

When she first started saying to change him / wash him I tried to brush her off with ' yup I got it' and was just kind of taking his coat off, helping put his shoes away and she sort of blocked my path and pointed me upstairs. It was really quite demanding. She literally made me go upstairs to avoid me from being rude to her if that makes sense. Following her instructions was the polite thing for me to do. As weird as it sounds.

I would have asked
Are you telling me what to do in my own home? Don’t you think that’s rude?

CovertPiggery · 18/01/2025 12:32

MyProudHare · 18/01/2025 12:29

We clearly all read it differently because I found it abrasive, too.

What did you find abrasive?

I've re-read and can't see anything abrasive at all. Just OP explaining what happened.

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 18/01/2025 12:33

Everything she does is awful. Change her name in your phone to 'soul sucker' and don't engage. She'll move on to another victim soon enough.

CovertPiggery · 18/01/2025 12:33

imnotgivinup · 18/01/2025 12:30

When she first started saying to change him / wash him I tried to brush her off with ' yup I got it' and was just kind of taking his coat off, helping put his shoes away and she sort of blocked my path and pointed me upstairs. It was really quite demanding. She literally made me go upstairs to avoid me from being rude to her if that makes sense. Following her instructions was the polite thing for me to do. As weird as it sounds.

That is so unbelievably rude. It can be hard to deal with people like that as it's so unexpected it can take you by surprise!

TishHope · 18/01/2025 12:33

I remember putting up with mothers I didn't really like, when the children were friends, but I wouldn't put up with her. Just don't invite her again and be busy if she suggests doing anything.

NotNeil · 18/01/2025 12:34

Following her instructions was the polite thing for me to do

In your own house with your own child? No it certainly isn't the polite thing to do. I would have told her to stop bossing me around as I am a fully grown adult.

MyProudHare · 18/01/2025 12:34

CovertPiggery · 18/01/2025 12:32

What did you find abrasive?

I've re-read and can't see anything abrasive at all. Just OP explaining what happened.

It's primarily the opening paragraph:

'I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.'

Mrsbloggz · 18/01/2025 12:35

She blocked your path in your own house 😯
No one would do that to me, she's identified you as a pushover op.

PigInAHouse · 18/01/2025 12:36

MyProudHare · 18/01/2025 12:34

It's primarily the opening paragraph:

'I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.'

That’s just descriptive.

MyProudHare · 18/01/2025 12:38

PigInAHouse · 18/01/2025 12:36

That’s just descriptive.

I don't find it to be so. It's coming across as unpleasant, to me. Anyway we are getting derailed here. 😁

BBQPete · 18/01/2025 12:38

I suspect this is something to do with perception.

If I'd collected someone else's little one and brought them home, I would quite probably have said "they've been rolling down the grassy bank so you might want him to get changed before he sits on your furniture - you never know what's on the grass do you?". Not sure there is anything wrong with that.

I might have turned the TV off in those circumstances too - habit as much as anything. No-one was watching it, so why is it an issue?

Absolutely fine if you don't want to invite her round again, we all 'click' with different people, and presumably all come across people we don't warm to, but I do think this is just a different style of 'being' rather than anything odd about the other woman.

Dotto · 18/01/2025 12:39

Well I'd step back. She thinks her way is better than yours.

The only thing I disagree with is tipping. I don't tip. An increasing number of people never tip as a rule, but she shouldn't have made a fuss if you wanted to.

MinnieBalloon · 18/01/2025 12:40

even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do.

No, it isn’t just what you do. Attitudes like this are exactly what enables low wages. You are not helping by tipping - you’re actually hindering.

But of course, what do you care, as long as you feel good about yourself, right?

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/01/2025 12:40

She sounds ghastly.

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