Would you find it a bit rude if someone did this in your home ?

[imnotgivinup]

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

Some people are just domineering and overbearing...they assume they know best and they're doing a service to others pointing it out. Puffed up arseholes.

There's a woman at my workplace like this. She's never been fond of me because I take no notice of her inappropriate instructions. I'm always pleasant and polite but simply don't acknowledge her self-imposed authority. It needles her no end and I secretly revel in it. Ha ha.

It’s still someone else’s home, though - while I can understand a guest not wanting a tv on, I would be a bit annoyed if they switched it off without even asking but wouldn’t make a fuss - but with all the other mum’s demanding behaviour added on top, it would be like the cherry on the (shit) cake.

Life's too short to have people like your 'friend' causing you angst or annoyance. You are allowed to reject the 'friendship' and keep her at arm's length. She might try to bully her way back in but don't let your good nature or politeness overrule your common sense. Good luck!

She was part of a party of 15 and didn't want to leave something for the servers? Who didn't cook the food, just did the running? That alone would have me thinking very poorly of her and keeping it polite going forward.

I agree with PP above
Disengage, nod and smile
Life's too short to waste time on this joy sucker

In someone else’s house?! It’s really fucking weird!

It's definitely cheeky to turn off the TV in someone else's house without asking.

Do/did you enjoy spending time with her/hosting her in spite of the issues that stood out to you, or not? If not, distance yourself. If you do want to keep the friendship, I think you need to push back a bit more or you're going to be constantly fuming and venting and the situation won't improve.

The chivvying the boys to wash up and change (assuming it was both and not just your son) I'd just put down to wanting to maintain a routine, and turning off the TV if it was clear no one was watching it could be understandable since you were out of the room. They're both rude, but if the children weren't upset I'd probably let it go.

The tipping thing is irritating because she completely misunderstood the whole concept of tipping, and then argued with someone whoever DID understand it, but I'd have just firmly said that the service was fine and everything else was irrelevant, and left the tip even if she refused to contribute her share. That would factor into whether I went out with her again to a similar venue, though.

Her bullying your younger child is unacceptable; if she continued that after a VERY firm "please stop", I'd not invite her to your house again.

Exactly this. And you didn't push back.

You haven't mentioned any responses to her behaviour in your house - did you respond to it?

For example, positive responses would have been:
"she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes" / "I immediately wash his hands" - a shrug and a 'he's fine'.

"she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs" - that would have merited a 'who's house are we actually in?', said with a smile but also a hard stare.

raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair" - obviously 'Doris, stop shouting'.

It can be a bit of a shock to the system when someone behaves as she did in your house, and many people freeze and meekly go along with it (then kick themselves afterwards). Now you've seen her behaviour you are forewarned of how she will behave from now on.

Personally I'd just be holding her at arm's length from now on. Refusing any suggestion of playdates - although you'll have to learn to park politeness, because she will be making demands, not requests! Your responses will have to be a definite 'no'; any wishy-washy 'I'll need to check my diary' / I'll get back to you on that' will be waved aside and you'll find her sending you upstairs again. Her behaviour in the restaurant is what I'd throw back in her face if she got tetchy with my refusals. 'Well really Doris, that you feel so comfortable ordering me around, like in the restaurant, I find a bit off-putting. You don't want to tip? Fine. Ordering me to not tip? Not so much.' Like I said, she's the sort of person that you have to park your politeness for. She'll just weaponise it against you. Blunt and frankly brutal is the way to go with Doris.

But there's plenty of minimum wage jobs outside the restaurant industry where no one gets tips, like retail and care work. Not getting tips has never caused the employer to reconsider their pay structure. Why would a restaurant suddenly decide to up wages in a business they're barely breaking even on, just because people have stopped tipping? Tips make a server want to go above and beyond when serving you.

I can't believe that she blocked your way so that you had to go upstairs! This is so ridiculously rude on her part that I can understand how you were so shocked and taken aback that you just did as you were told rather than ask her 'what the fuck are you doing?'.

I would pull right back and stop arranging playdates with her and her child and refusing any invitations from her.

@imnotgivinup I think you’ve missed the memo but for many of us, it’s considered the height of rudeness to leave a TV (or radio) on when you have guests. Even if the visitor is unexpected, you’d still switch them off as soon as they come into your home.

I have a friend who always has the TV on silent even when we’re in the same room chatting. I find it really annoying and I’d love to switch it off but she’s a good friend and it’s her house, so I try to ignore it.

I know you find your friend domineering and rude but ‘I wonder if she has asd and is unable to control her own impulses very easily? It’s taken me years to manage some of my ‘bossy’ behaviours to be fair.

I'm another one who never leaves the TV on when no one is watching something. Just why?

Different people use different things in different ways. One person may only want the TV on if they can give it their full attention and maybe sit there taking extensive notes; others like it in the background to catch the general gist or to look up at regularly.

Kind of like the equivalent of those digital photo frames that people used to have: they were never intended to just be stared at for hours on end.

The same as some people really cannot see the point in taking annual leave unless they have a big full-on holiday booked to go on, so they don't bother and just go in to work; whilst others cherish it as they love to have the chance to just relax, chill and do absolutely nothing.

For everyone obsessed with the tv being pointless noise..

I just like having the TV on. It was some sort of nature programme, on silent. It was more like a screensaver vibe to be honest.

This woman is extremely out of order but at the same time it is a very effective technique. When you put someone on the spot with extreme behaviour they tend to react in an instinctive way, most people will defer, they will default to politeness, and then the bully knows that they can take you.
If you 'front up to her' she will back away and probably disappear completely because she doesn't want the hassle of trying to dominate someone who's going to push back.

She’s not a friend, she’s an acquaintance you should have as little as possible to do with in future.

Still distracting to be fair.

I guess it depends on the kids. Most children I've known play happily ignoring the tv running in the background, much the same as a radio etc. Distracting for the other mum? Still not her place to decide, although based on her other behaviours she clearly thought it was!

Imagine being that other woman! Or her poor kid. My mum was like the other woman. It was mortifying how she’d boss other mums around etc. op my mum has a diagnosed personality disorder. Her poor kid has done nothing wrong, but either distance yourself from her or just be aware she’s nuts and at least you don’t live with her. Oh and she’ll make you think you’re in the wrong and she’s right which makes it all the more confusing. So repeat, it’s her not you. And keep an eye out for her poor kid! Don’t ever tarnish him with her brush, though of course her dominant personality will impact him…

Perfectly reasonable ideas for her own children. Raising her voice at OP's 2 year old was not reasonable. Forcing OP upstairs to wash her son's hands by blocking the way in her own house is very unreasonable.

In someone else's house? It is weird! It is up to the homeowner to decwhat they want to have on.

You very clearly dislike her. You do not have to pursue this 'friendship'.

She was very rude, dictating and pointing you to go upstairs.
Don’t invite her round again. Be polite at the school gates if you want but I’d be keeping clear of her.

Definitely phase her out. She sounds very rude. Maybe take the hint about TV as background in your home though as it’s not great for kids.

I'd bet she l knows your DS had contact with dog poo on the grass and didn't like to say. It's rude to leave the TV on. I'd never turn off someone else's TV, but I would think you ill mannered if I were visiting your house. Her food could have been awful, which is why she didn't want to tip. I don't think anything she did was really awful, but the way she went about them was too direct for you. Don't be friends with her, if you don't like her and her ways.