Would you find it a bit rude if someone did this in your home ?

[imnotgivinup]

I have this new ' friend ' and recently been extremely put off by her. Many many reasons I could go on, but in a nutshell- she's very dominant, knows it all better and is quite bossy too.

Her son and my son are in the same class at school and recently I invited them for dinner.

She picked them both up and took them to my house. As we came through the door, she demanded I immediately change my son's clothes as they'd played outside and rolled down a grass hill in the school. ( they do this every day, so it's not new to me at all ). She then demanded I immediately wash his hands too. As in, she didn't let him come into my house properly and ordered us both upstairs. I was going to sort him out anyway, in my own way, but she was so bossy about how I should do it and when, it really annoyed me tbh.

Then later on she was really raising her voice at my little one ( I have a 2 year old and 5 year old ) to sit properly in his chair. I was sitting next to him and handling his behaviour just fine, but obviously just not enough for her liking - she felt she needed to step in and tell him off quite loudly.

Then we moved to the living room, where the TV was already on. The kids weren't watching it and were just playing with blocks and trains and having a great time. I went to the toilet and when I came back, she'd switched the TV off. I asked her if the kids had switched it off and she said ' no I switched it off '. I thought that was also weird. I wouldn't turn the TV off in someone's house. The kids weren't even glued to it or anything.

These are just a couple to small examples of this woman's behaviour and I have decided to just keep things civil but to no longer engage as much with her. There are many more examples. Another one was that we went out as a group to a restaurant and she didn't think we should tip the waiters - even though I said we definitely should, as it's just what you do. She repeatedly told me no, the food wasn't good enough to be tipped. It was actually fine and the service was fine too. The food just wasn't phenomenal. In the end I slipped them some money, as I was so embarrassed not to tip anything. We were a large group- 15 plus, but her and I were sorting out the payment.

These are all red flags right ? Or am I just being sensitive here ? I would never behave like this with anyone - from ordering them to wash / change their child- I would have just made the mother aware and left her to decide what to do. To just switching off someone's TV and then demanding not to tip at a restaurant. It's just not cool to me to behave like that.

These are not red flags, but you dislike the way this woman behaves and don’t want to see her socially. The only question is negotiating your sons staying friends, if they want to.

Absolutely not on to turn on or off the TV in someone else's house. Completely overstepping boundaries.

This person sounds awful, as well as rude. I'd distance myself completely.

Agree that she's clearly not OP's kind of person - but that doesn't mean she's a bad person; just different.

While the friend does sound a little domineering, her 'demands' are rooted in common sense/good behaviour:
-Wash your hands when coming in from outside
-Kids sitting up properly
-Turning off appliances you're not using.
So all perfectly reasonable ideas, just poorly executed on her part.

She's way OTT about changing DC's clothes and handwashing.
She can do whatever she likes in her own home but it's rude to make demands of others in their own homes!
The only point I wouldn't take issue with is the TV as I find it distracting and the DC were playing
She sounds self centred and pushy and I wouldn't like it

Not my sort of person or friend. I’d be backing off from this one op. Too rude, too bossy, just nope.

Yes, and they’re all things you have control of, in your own house.

I had a friend like this - my kids were a older though - around 9. I didnt like how abrasive and bossy she was with me and them - she didnt yell cos i would have stepped in but she wasnt respectful as in it was 'do this do that' and not saying please or thank you which annoyed me (but demanding it back from them). I did like a lot of other things about her though and her sense of humour and we would all have a lot of fun with her as she was larger than life. I talked to the kids about it, and they did think she was bossy but they LOVED her. So when she was like this I used humour, 'alright bossy i/they've got it' - and just do my own thing. It worked to a point. Her parenting was way harsher than mine but I let it slide as long as my kids were ok. Then when my children were with hers on a playdate (I wasnt there), she whalloped her child in front of them. We dont do that, and one of my kids was very upset and stood up for her friend, told her you dont hit children and that she was abusive. My friend didnt like that of course but I completely agreed with my child, and was proud of her. We never saw them again after that.

Moral of my story is I think you are quite right to back right off. She yelled at your 5 year old. Not on. Being bossy with you I think you could have got past with come backs if you liked other things about her but yelling at your child I would not tolerate so I agree with you.

I'd have turned the TV off its pointless background noise and quiet annoying if kids aren't watching it. Also tipping is subjective its not the American culture where we are expected to tip and I don't unless service is exceptional. Eating out is expensive enough and they get paid a wage. I understand others may disagree.

However the washing hands domineering and telling you lo off is over powering and out of place in someone else's home.

Just keep your distance. Definitely don't have play dates again at your house!

Yeah with that mindset thread traffic on MN would be halved!
People post to ask others what they should have for breakfast.
At best see it as a digital community in a world thats needs it as its becoming more fragmented.
At worst it’s like a David Attenborough documentary on some truly feckless individuals most will never meet the likes of irl.

People often have silent TV in the backround, for one reason or another.

She literally could have just said ' the boys have been rolling around in the grass and they're pretty dirty' ( that's all I would have said ). If she really wanted to, she could have then said ' you might want to clean him up '.. then she should have just moved on from that and left the logistics down to me.

You're not matched. Just step back. These things happen.

No its not, I have never once in my 35 years of life gone to someones house as a guest and had them switch the TV off.

Usually you are the guest of one person not the entire household, in a family home its entirely normal for the TV to be on.

I'd think odd you had tv in background with guests there but the rest sounds ott on her part and possibly ocd re the clothes changing. Did she insist on changing her dc too? If she makes you uncomfortable in your own home she is not a friend.

OP, make your own mind up. If you feel uncomfortable with her, then drop her. If everyone on here said stick with her, would you still do it, even though you don’t like her?

Why on earth did you not call her out on her rudeness? Do you usually let people talk to you like that in your home.

If it would have been me I would have been cutting the play date short. I wouldn’t be happy with someone coming into my home and calling the shots (including turning off the tv which is perfectly normal to have on, even if muted)

She sounds bossy and obnoxious. She might have views rooted in common sense but there’s no justification instructing other grownup people what to do. Not tipping and actively telling others not to tip would be enough for me to chill the friendship to freezing. Do it gradually if you think that’s easiest but be vague and avoid any future meet-ups.

Does she have issues around cleanliness and orderliness?
Backed up by lack of social skills?

She could have achieved what she wanted in a much nicer way. She sounds domineering and rude. I wouldn't want to have to deal with that on a regular basis. I am the softest person imaginable but I have stood up to pushy people on a few occasions. They don't like it at all and usually take themselves off.

TBH it's better not to be close friends with the parents of your child's friends. If they fall out or you fall out with the parents it can get awkward very quickly. Friendly acquaintanceship with the willingness to do favours in an emergency is the way to go.

You are right, she sounds awful, keep her at arms length and have minimal contact.

She sounds extremely controlling, I couldn’t be friends with someone like that, she obviously thinks her opinions are more valuable than yours and that she is a better mother than you as well

Im sure a lot of other people probably find her difficult if she is behaving like this so I’m sure you are not alone

Well, yes. That's what I mean by 'reasonable ideas, poorly executed'.

This woman clearly just has very high standards - she likely thinks OP's more laid back approached no longer makes her 'her' person either.

I see what you mean. I'd find her a pain in the arse to be around so I'd reduce the time I spent with her but I'd keep it friendly enough to maintain friendship between the boys.

Arrange to take boys out / have them over to yours but with pick ups / drop offs, text messages and a quick hello / how's you / boys were great / goodbye on the doorstep.

I'd aim for a friendly acquaintance for your boys not a friend to you.

Trampling all over your boundaries, I'd say.

Who orders someone else's children around and switches the tv off in your house.

She would be too rude, bossy and domineering for my liking, she sounds just like a colleague of mine who is infuriating and undermining.

If you don't like it don't be friends it's very simple. Rolling down a hill that could be caked in dog shit it's no surprise she wanted him to change clothes and wash hands as for turning he TV well it is a bit rude having it on when adults are conversing, were your kids misbehaving and not being chastised? Perhaps she doesn't want her child copying your children's bad behaviour.