Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

If you were offering the only reasonable answer is no.

If you say "I absolutely cannot and will not fund any of this at any time" that will shut her down.

You may never hear from her again which will show how much your friendship was valued.

I’m so sorry OP .. I just clicked on you are being unreasonable while scrolling on my phone and can’t unselect it now 🙈

I absolutely do not think you are being unreasonable x

What a cheek. I would just say I can't lend you any money as I am now planning for my own future, I have lost my partner as it is so there is no income on his side so I need to be secure in my own future.

OP, it’s been 4 yrs since my DH died and I’m still just muddling through at best.

Some people are under the illusion that I’m well off when - in fact - caring responsibilities put a dent in my pension arrangements.

Once I did get through the stress of sorting through the estate I was left with some money but I’m going to need it all for house repairs.

There were other beneficiaries who initially claimed that they didn’t want anything, but it’s clear that they were disappointed with the amount that they got.

I think that people assume that there’s always a large insurance payout. My husband’s insurance covered the funeral.

Youre right to distance yourself from your “friend”: she’s just going to keep niggling at you.

A “friend” acting jealous and bitter about your success (perceived or genuine) is a massive red flag. A real friend would be happy for you and acknowledge that you have worked hard to get where you are. It also sounds like she is trying to use emotional blackmail on you. She is a dickhead at best and a narcissist at worst. I hope the comments on here will help give you the confidence to tell her to do one.

If and when she does get pregnant turn down the option, if it's offered, of being a god parent. She'll want you to cough up for all sorts of expenses.

Yes, you'll be Cheryl from The Royle Family to her Denise. Always first on the list of babysitters.

Perhaps your friend had a temporary lapse of judgement and is embarrassed of herself now (I hope anyway!)

Wow! 2 years is nothing. Any money you have is yours and for your future.

She is trying it on OP. Very disrespectful

Wow, how unfeeling must someone be to think that losing your beloved partner is getting " set for life".
I am so sorry to read of your loss.
Don't contribute to your friend's egg freezing/ IVF- she is so cheeky to ask you to. Has she supported you through your grief at all?

She acknowledged she doesn't have the money to raise a child herself

So, does she want you to pay for her to raise the child as well as to get pregnant in the first place?!

My dentist, bless her. Was 35 and single & Has got her baby the inexpensive way … she scoped out potential mates at a dental conference. She had a few attributes in mind for her sperm donor - tall, graduated from a “good dental school”, single and “nice”. She researched the list of attendees, their social media and had a short list of those who she could get pregnant from at the conference, with her first choice who was from a very very far away country. She and this guy got on really well &
She got her baby. He doesn’t know.

She’s busy as a single mum, building her practice, that she doesn’t go to conferences any more. (Though she did consider attending and trying for a sibling if the donor was also attending …). She got very lucky w her cycle & conference dates.

She’ll be suing for maintenance next

It sounds very much like she will be back or the IVF costs. Privately it's minimum 5,000 pounds and people usually try 3 times. If you are in the UK, this applies www.nhs.uk/conditions/ivf/availability/

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
She's ignored the gist of your previous message and pretended that you just turned down the egg freezing, so she's now asking for phase two.
I think you'll be damned anyway so may as well spell it out again in no uncertain terms something along these lines perhaps?

"Dear Name."
I was concerned from your response about sponsorship that perhaps you may have misunderstood or I may not have been clear. Whilst I wish you all the best with your plans, I just want to be absolutely clear that I do not want to pay for egg freezing or sponsor a child or pay their expenses in any way, now or in the future. I would be really grateful if you dropped the requests for money from now on and didn't ask me again." I hope you understand.

Ask her what the point is in freezing eggs if she cannot afford IVF? Then ask her how she will afford to raise a child?

So it didn't end well. Think it's safe to say the friendship is as good as over. I made my point - yet again - and she just got more and more defensive and angry. She admitted her anger was at 'men' in general and how she's unhappy in her life and where she's at/single etc... but it was long after lots of strange angles she took/argued regarding her 'plans'. It all just got stranger and stranger. Started lecturing me on how 'giving' has been proven to make people feel good and that a baby is a blessing... and then reiterated that we get 'one life and it's short' (I know, my partner died suddenly!) and that we should all be able to reach our dreams/goals.

I think she's having a crisis and is worried about never being able to have a baby. For that, I do feel for her - but the behaviour was/is becoming more and more strange. So dropped the topic and I highly doubt I'll hear from her again, in truth.

Did you tell her that you didn’t have any money?

It shouldn't matter if she has money or not. It's not her responsibility to pay for some CF's life choices.

For various reasons I am quite a lot wealthier than my in laws. If they had any idea what's going on they would be all over it so DH and I have kept it all very quiet. But whether we had what we had or nothing the answer would be the same. Get to fuck you cheeky fucker...

I'm not so sure. I think she'll be back for one last attempt to convince you how it really is in your best interests to pay for her plans because it will make you feel better about yourself in the long run. She's trying to help you afterall.

I wouldn't be surprised if you were right and I hope that the prospect will encourage the OP to dig her heels in. This sort of pressure is, as you say, often couched in terms of "making you feel better about yourself" a particularly insidious form of guilt-trip put on women especially. It's interesting how often it emerges at particularly stressful times, when its target already feels vulnerable. I'd like to know exactly why its perpetrators think people in @fjordsnights situation need to feel better about? What do they think she's done?

Not your responsibility to give her a baby and if the friendship is over, that sounds like a bit of a blessing to be honest.

Well hopefully she'll come to her senses OP - if she does she ought to be utterly mortified.

If she doesn't she wasn't a Friend in the first place, so no real liss to you.

Wishing you all the best for the future

OP firstly I am so sorry for your loss 💔 You sound like you've had an extremely difficult time and time to process what has happened to you must be extremely hard. In time maybe seek some counselling?
If your friend had asked for some support with a payment plan/legal doc etc that's different. Was she there for you during your time of loss? She sounds like she is expecting you to pay. I would politely but firmly explain you have your own options to consider and that her savings are to do with as she chooses as are yours. She needs to ask family etc. Don't go through this grief OP when you have already been through so much. Hugs to you.