Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

" Life is short " she's telling you, who has lost someone fairly recently, that life is short? She's lost the plot. Her whole attitude has been inappropriate. Definitely drop the rope with this friendship

Gross.

I'm sorry. This is not what friends do.

She is working hard to extract a large sum of money from someone going through one of the worst experiences life can throw at them. She's even getting belligerent with you. That life is short comment is both insensitive and manipulation on action.

She wants you to support her getting pregnant, then pay child support. This is not a reasonable expectation at any time. When it happens after her target (you), has suffered a devastating life loss, it shows she's trying to take advantage of your loneliness and confusion. This is calculated and not done with any good intentions.

Time to block her. She wants to use you for money.

Sorry to say but I think you're well shot of her. She sounds unhinged and if she does come slithering back "to give you one last chance to be the kind and giving person she knows you to be" I think you need to tell her that you have nothing further to say to her and any further contact will result in reporting her to the police for harassment. So sorry this has happened to you on top of everything else.

Well done her👏🏻🤩
I'd do the same in her shoes!

@Banyon goodness me, you know a lot about your dentist and her private life! I hardly get a "sit in the chair please" from mine

We bonded during pregnancy and being new moms w jobs. Like me she wasn’t local, had moved to area didn’t know many other moms as we both working jobs with long hours.

" Started lecturing me on how 'giving' has been proven to make people feel good and that a baby is a blessing... and then reiterated that we get 'one life and it's short' (I know, my partner died suddenly!"

Sorry you had to go through that. It really was a massive cheek.

Just say no and that she needs to sort out her own arrangements. Personally I would also add that I am very angry and disappointed that she asked me. You should have been more assertive from the very beginning. Some friend she is if she wants to sponge off you.

No way, where would it end, probably never. Either endless rounds of ivf to pay for or child rearing costs. We never lend money in our friendship groupz some of us are much more wealthy than the others but none of expect the other ones to cover them for anything even for a mealz we split costs equally and chose things we can all afford to do. Lending money to friends is a sure fire way to ruin a friendship.

Stick to your guns OP

This is really odd to the point I’d be wondering if it’s actually my friend and not a scam.

I would be inclined to ignore at this point.

Sorry for your loss.

Some people can smell money/possible money and are entitled and greedy. They're very good at "sharing". Only their "sharing" means you can't have anything without them wanting to dip their greedy beaks. The excuses and language they use are ridiculous. Here's one, newly separated after a long marriage, numb and lost. A "friend" (with 4 failed marriages behind her), had previously mentioned my very humble flat and wondered why I had it and she had
" nothing". (She was unfaithful, drunk and profligate). Turns to me later and says, " I've had a great idea! Why don't WE sell YOUR flat and buy a bar on the Costa del Sol?

From someone who has very burnt fingers lending money to friends, my advice is DON’T.

One of my close friends is a solicitor who has a saying: "Where there's a Will there's a relative". This doesn't quite cover your situation; however, I hope you manage to negotiate your way out of this awful situation.

'She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing'

I would have stated at her stonily and then told her that I never wish to speak to her again.

The off switch would have been pressed.

I know plenty of women who have been in her situation: myself included

Never ever considered asking anyone for money

Just go have a shag !

Bloody cheek of the woman!

Wow! It gets worse! Is she expecting you to contribute financially to the upbringing of a hypothetical child? I'd knock her straight off my Christmas card list!

That's an insane thing to ask. I would reply to the message and say you are no way in a position to help with this. Just to make is crystal clear. Does she have any family to check if she's ok

Your friend is nutty as a fruitcake. I would seriously reconsider being around such a utterly demented individual because next time she loses her marbles you may be the one suffering the consequences.

Remove this woman from your life. It’ll keep you in good stead.

What would be the point of her freezing her 36 year old eggs anyway? If she wanted to do that she should have done it 10 years ago. Assuming she doesn't have fertility issues, why would she need IVF? She can go to the sperm bank and then go to a clinic where they insert the sperm straight in the womb. Or she can find sperm on a website, or have a one night stand etc etc. She is insanely picking the most expensive option. But 36 year old eggs aren't worth freezing.

She's a vulture. Steer clear.

She can ask whatever she wants, you simply say no.