Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

Please don't give her a penny. This is a scandalous request! It also shows such a lack of compassion for what you have been going through.

I personally decided to go down the route of having a baby by myself and had to pay for fertility treatments and IVF. It is bloody expensive!!!
But no way in hell would I ever have dreamt of asking my friends to fund this for me. That was my personal decision and my responsibility. Some fertility clinics offer finance plans so you can pay back in installments or she could get a loan, at the end of the day if it’s something she desperately wants then she will find a way to pay for it but it is absolutely not your responsibility.
As most people on here have already said, just tactfully tell her you don’t have the money to help her

This.

Sorry just seen your follow up and her response about “sponsoring her child” 😳
that’s even worse that she thinks you’d financially support her to raise her child 🤯
I honestly can’t believe the audacity of this woman

Very very odd request. Feels like she sees your money as her money. Nip this in the bud! Very sorry for your loss.

I would say that as good a friend as she might be, I don't discuss my financial affairs with anybody and am surprised that she even considered it might be acceptable.

Just say no. If she can't afford IVF....

sorry this has all happened to you OP. I’m a bit gobsmacked by your friend asking for money for fertility treatment and then the sponsoring of her child. I don’t know what else you can tell her apart from no - your money is to fund your life, your partner wanted you to have it for your financial security.

To be honest, the fact that you've even had to ask makes me worry that she's taking advantage of you.

I hope you stay a million miles away from her in future. This is not a friendship.

As you can see, not one person here thinks this ok …so say no without guilt “ sorry l never loan money to anyone for anything. I find life simpler that way. ”

Your friend's fertility is not your responsibility, just tell her it's not something you would consider.
Some people will ask for money even if they have their own- my brother is like this, he doesn't believe in using his own money if he can get it from a friend or a family member, she probably will ask again.
Many people settling estates get approached by friends or family for money- I have never understood this as they are still grieving and need support, not requests for money.
Losing a partner is a huge life change, and things will seem a little weird for a while- I hope you start feeling more like yourself soon.

I don't know why this is so difficult and you say yourself that your 'friend' has really got the wrong end of the stick regarding your financial situation? 🙄
Even though it might be a little awkward to begin with but this is vital to clear the air and get things out in the open, is to sit down with her and tell her that you're really not sure why she thought it was a good idea to ask for your help financially and you need to tailor your next comments on her reply which will most probably have it's base in what you mentioned that might have led to the misunderstanding in the first place?!
What you need to remember (and should help you to broach the subject with her) is that you're actually not, as she imagines, in a position to assist her so you are not being unkind or mean, it's just not possible and this should be explained to her in a straightforward way.
You also could make it clear that you can understand how she could have made the wrong assumption about your finances and, if you want to retain the friendship, it would be preferable to not come across with an accusatory attitude although, it's obvious that she really shouldn't have asked anyway as it put you in an awkward position, so maybe the friendship has 'run it's course'? 🤔

That is a BIG ask. It's tens of thousands, and if it doesn't go well and she wants more rounds, it could be as much as 50k!

No, it's too much, unless you were a multimillionaire.

Just read that she wants you to pay for raising the kid too! 🤣

If she's not usually a CF, put it down to her panicking.

Also, you might tell her that sometimes clinics give reduced fees if you also donate some of your own eggs. With that, and maybe a payment plan, she could probably do it herself.

My husband died nearly 2 years to the day so I know exactly how you feel. The winding up of the estate is heart wrenching and in my case I had to sell our house and downside to a small townhouse. Ok I am financially secure but this money has to last for the rest of my life. Your friend is asking to borrow money because she thinks you are a cash cow. I have always said if you can't borrow from the bank then you shouldn't be canvassing your friends. So what if the first IVF doesn't work will she be asking for more money? This could be never ending.
I'm sorry that your husband died.

Thank you for all your responses. I thought about it some more over the weekend. I understand that she might be panicking about not finding the right partner. That's fair and understandable. I think she's looking for 'security' and thinks she's not going to find that in a man. As a previous poster said, she likely doesn't want to deal with a bad partner, nor does she want to be soelly financially responsible for a child. Whilst both things are understandable - it still doesn't make it right.

In response to some previous posters - no, I do not have children. I think people think if you don't have children, you must be rolling in money - and that's just not true, I can promise you! So I think in her eyes, she thought it was 'disposable money' or 'spare money'.

I did tell her I wouldn't be able to help her, but in truth, I can't help but feel, she still thinks there's a chance - despite me saying (in writing) that it wasn't going to happen (now or in the future). I guess the only thing I can do is distance myself/call it a day if I get hints of what I think will mean I'm 'on the hook' down the line (in her eyes).

In her case, she said to 'not worry about' the smaller cost (egg freezing) but that she would 'wait and see' regarding the actual IVF (which would be ridiculously expensive). I believe it can be in the thousands.

I think I also didn't realise how short 2 years really is in terms of grief. Right now, it's still day-by-day for me - but for other people, it's been two (long) years since my partner died - so in their eyes, enough time has passed - and they think I should be 'back to normal'. Grief just doesn't work like that.

I was shocked and saddened to hear/see on this thread that so many people have had people request money/loans etc.... for houses/business ideas/investments etc... so soon after they've lost a family member or a spouse. It's awful. I believe women are targeted more than men - and of course, there are generally more widows than widowers.

@Laurmolonlabe I do agree with you! Some people tend ask for money from others even if they have it themselves. They think if someone else likely has more money than they do, they should shoulder the costs. They simply don't believe in spending their own money.

@TacCat49 So sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing as well as you can - all things considered.

I think unless you've been through grief - or even settling estates etc... people don't know how draining it all is. They see it as you getting a load of cash and being set for life - and some people think they can approach you for their 'wants'.

It's really not this great/massive windfall at all!

So she will pay for egg freezing then expect you to pay for IVF later? Jesus.

@fjordsnights Shut her down properly with a “Fuck no”.

If you use too many words she will hear you inviting discussion. Shut her down.

I got the sense that it was a 'two-fold' request. Hence why I felt like I was 'on the hook' for costs down the line - should she want to undergo IVF.

The initial (egg freezing) costs were cheaper - which is why I think she decided to fork out (she said she would take it out of her savings).

I told her it (being any further costs) wasn't possible from me. But I'm still wary/not 100% convinced - despite me being very clear.

I'd say if she's feeling this desperate for a baby she won't be absorbing this clarity from you. But nothing you can do. If it comes up again, reiterate. That's about it

Just say. I'm sorry I'm not in the position to help. Hope all goes well

She’s no friend . I’m sorry ! No friend would ask such a thing especially from someone who is grieving.

I don't even think that OP's friend is asking to borrow money. She is expecting it to be a gift and she also refers to OP 'sponsoring her child', which sounds as though she would then expect OP to help support the child financially, despite not being either of the parents or even in a relationship with one of the parents.

I’m speechless that any friend would feel it appropriate to ask for a chunk of a widow’s bereavement money. If you were offering it voluntarily for any purpose at all it would be entirely different. Asking is appallingly rude and cheeky.