Friend asked for money for freezing eggs/IVF. I feel strange/lost.

[fjordsnights]

Hi all,

Was hoping for some advice/insight. In recent times, things haven't been going well. My partner died - albeit not so recently - but almost two years ago. It's been a nightmare though in terms of settling the estate - not due to anyone contesting the will or anything, but rather in terms of admin as we are dual citizens/tax etc... so the grief as well as the admin still feels very raw.

In terms of my career, things have been going well, so there's that. No, I'm not on LinkedIn or FB or Instagram. I don't post career 'wins' on the internet or apps or anything like that. However, my new role has meant a lot of travel to the US. (I am a dual citizen of the UK/US).

My friend initially thought the travel was due to my partner's estate/admin related - and she wasn't wrong. However, in the past 5 months, it's been due to work too given my new role. She then took this to mean I was a 'high flyer'. I am not. Far far far from it.

Anyway, she's looking to get married/have kids. This is great for her and I hope she finds that. She recently said she doesn't think it's going to happen for her and she's worried she's not going to find someone in good time (she's single at the moment). She asked if I would give her money for egg freezing - and potentially IVF treatment (down the line). I didn't know what to say as I was so taken aback. She asked me over FaceTime as I was abroad.

I suspect it's because she feels like I've received money as a result of my partner's passing and/or because of my new role at work. I was abroad when she asked me - but I am now back in the UK. I told her I'd be back yesterday.

She texted me last night saying: "Don't worry about it. I'm taking the money out of my savings. But IVF might be a different story, so let's just wait and see."

AIBU to think it's not right to ask for money from a friend when you have savings? Also, does her message imply she'd ask again when undergoing IVF?

These past few months have been really bizarre in general - after a period of so much grief and loss. I don't know what to do/think about most things these days.

No because this does suggest that OP is wealthy when she isn't.

I agree with the poster who says to message now so she doesn't remain under the impression she can rely on OP later for this money. Just a I am glad you have got the freezing sorted but I think you are under the mistaken impression I will be able to give or loan you money for your IVF treatment when I am afraid this simply isn't the case.

CF wants to have OP's cake and eat it.

Sponsor her having a child?! Wtaf 😂😱. Bonkers.

She'll sue you for child support next.

She will see you as her child's father and resent you for being a deadbeat dad.

Agreed. She is absolutely ridiculous with this sponsor a child nonsense.

Just make sure she is clear that you are not one of her options.

"She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen)."
No pressure - for the moment. Did she actually use the word 'sponsor'? To be raising all this with a friend actually suggests fixation rather than "figuring out her options."

I can't stop thinking about this thread - the request is so bizarre.

I am wondering if we've made assumptions about the sex of the OP here?

Or - the assumption the OP is female is correct but there is some sort of strange romantic component that the 'friend' has in mind.

Help with freezing eggs/a round of IVF is cheeky but sort of one thing.

Ongoing support for a child suggests to me the 'friend' is trying to carve the OP into their lives. I am not sure I've met anyone quite that cheeky that would just do it for money but there's always a first time.

@fjordsnights does she have form for this sort of big, cheeky request if not from you, with others?!

When did people get this attitude that other people should financially support their wants. If she wants marriage and kids it’s for her to fund. Not you. I wanted loads of kids. I’m from a huge family and loved growing up in it and wanted that for my kids. I stopped at 2 as that was all we could afford.
I would never dream of asking someone else to fund my lifestyle choices.

I think she is a cheeky cow. Put her straight and tell her no.

I hope you politely told her to jog on!! How very uncaring of her, your grief doesn't get pushed aside by the amount of time that has passed, she is being selfish and should reconsider having a child as she will find it very difficult seeing as she's so selfish

No not now not ever!

From the info you've given yeah it sounds weird. Why would she need a loan if she has savings. And if it's not a loan why would she think you'd be giving her a large gift?

Tbh I'd just say something nonchalant about how good it is she has sorted it out. I'd maybe even slip in that you wouldn't have been in the position to help her.

If over all she's a good friend, I'd maybe try not to read too deep into it, the fear of never having a family may have made her be a bit panicked and unreasonable. If she's grabby generally you deserve better

I would suggest she use a sperm donor or something if she thinks she’s getting old as you will not be funding anything. Why on earth would you pay for that? I dont get how she has the nerve to ask, whether you have the money or not.

I literally cant believe what I have just read. YANBU and you owe her nothing. Please do not give her money for the IVF. You work hard and are still grieving. She should be supporting you not watching your pockets so she can achieve her dreams. If she has savings she can freeze her eggs and get a loan for IVF like many many other people I know have done. Many married ft working in well paid job couples have gone into debt to do IVF and start a family. Why should she be any different just because she thinks you have more money than her?

She responded that there was no pressure and it was only if I wanted to 'sponsor' her having a child and the actual child itself (should it ever happen).

Yikes, it’s even worse, she wants you to pay for ivf treatment AND raising the child.

If she does have a child, do NOT agree to be a godmother. She will expect a lot of money.

This is astonishing awful.
I can't imagine a friend of mine asking for, or expecting money let alone if I had been recently bereaved.
You obviously need to be straight with her to shut down the possibility of her coming back for funding for IVF.
Whether or not you remain friends is up to you...
I am sorry for your loss.

I don’t think she should ask
anyone regardless of savings or not!
tell her to put it on a credit card! She is a CF! if she needs IVF in the future she should start saving now! Unbelievable 🙄

That's so crazy your friend seems to be overly prioritising herself putting your grief and pain to 9ne side and good for you for making progress wity work travelling between countries at least your keeping yourself occupied your friend has no right putting this on you if she wants to use the ivf route then that's on her not you so don't you be feeling like you owe her anything

I am so sorry for your loss, you have a lot going on with arranging proceedings and your own job and its demands on you.

Your friend is being very insensitive, she’s thinking of herself and she’s not even in a relationship!

Be clear, you feel it’s not the time or place to have any demands put on you. Things are not always as they seem and it is not something you would be looking to be involved with, but wish her well on her plans.

Whether in the future you change your mind is up to you, but you alone.

I wish you some luck, peace and future happiness.

Wow. That is not the behaviour of a friend.

I love this response. You can imagine the blood draining from her face.

I think you should message her and make it clear that you will not be funding anything

Dear friend
I was so astounded at your request to fund your egg retrieval & storage that I didn't respond at the time.
I want to be clear that I am not in a position to give or lend anyone money for any reason. Please do not ask me for money again; I don't want to jeopardise our friendship.

Oh I forgot she asked the OP about being a 'godmother.'

You absolutely need to make clear that you will not be giving her any money. Doesn’t matter whether you do have the funds or not, she’s basically decided that you’ll be giving her money and then says “don’t worry about it” - as if you had done anything wrong?!

Need to be firm and explain that you are not in a position to help her financially and you won’t be in the future. If she wants to use savings to fund her fertility then that’s up to her but it’s nothing to do with you.

Totally inappropriate request even without your personal circumstances. What a strange entitled approach she has.