How to make my peace with our lifestyle

[Meetinginthemiddle]

Firstly, I know that this is a very first-world problem that I shouldn't be whining about. I'm sorry.

DH and I have very different approaches to consumption and finances. He loves nothing more than the buzz of buying and gifting, lavish meals and treats. The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning. I like the odd treat, the odd lavish meal, but mostly I like the idea of only buying what we need, make do and mend etc. I like to eat healthily, pay bills on time etc etc. All very boring.

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

Which means that I have to let go of the idea that my approach is better than his.The fact that he took the children out shopping a few days after Christmas and got them both smartwatches? The fact that he buys expensive clothes and shoes online, they don't fit, and then he doesn't return them but leaves them laying around? His choice.

Me panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it? Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family and my children’s materialism? Me wanting to save money for big bills or a rainy day? My choice.

What do I do?

And yes I have posted about this before. I have asked for help to change things. I'm now asking for help to accept them.

Sounds so hard for you

I'm not entirely sure what you are asking for advice about but it strikes me that there is a wild disparity between your approaches to finances but his is irresponsible and yours is not. Which means you shoulder the burden of managing your family finances and he gets to not care.

Why should you have to accept that and make peace with it? It's unequal and unfair. You should be managing your family finances together.

It's not a question of him having a choice if it gets the whole family in financial difficulty....

Lavish lifestyle and spending is one thing. Irresponsible spending is another.

As a parent it’s a duty to ensure that your dc don’t go cold, hungry or homeless. I’m not sure why you’re gaslighting yourself that this is just a different approach.

I have adhd and I’m an impulsive spender, and terrible at returning things. I bury my head in the sand too. But I’m also a fucking adult and I know that this isn’t ok so I look for workarounds, set up our accounts to separate fun money from household expenses, direct debit savings, major bills etc right after payday, lock up savings in demand accounts, have weekly budget chats with dh to stay accountable.

You keep saying 'his choice', but his choices affect all of you. Personally, I couldn't cope with this. I don't know how you can just come to accept it. Could you have couples counselling? Perhaps each have a monthly budget you have to stick to and the rest goes in savings?

This is very familiar... My advice is, you don't accept it. But you also can't change it. A compromise would be to have one joint account where you pull the money for basics like bills and personal spending and saving accounts. Then hope you never get divorced so he doesn't make it out with half of your savings.
I eventually took my name of all the bills for the house and started transferring him my share once a month. He could then figure out how and when to pay them and take a hit if they weren't paid. I did not want mental load of worrying about his spending.

The thing is that we haven't been in financial trouble. So while his approach might seem reckless it's just responsible enough to keep us on track. Until we get sick or lose our jobs, of course, but he doesn't like thinking about that.

This is what I'm thinking... I'll figure out the monthly expenses, weight it according to our salaries (he's the high earner) and then we put it in at the beginning of the month. Then he can spend his leftovers and I can save mine.

I haven't seen your previous thread(s) but I wouldn't be accepting of that situation.

It's not a matter of you both having different but valid ways of spending - as @Iamblossom said, your DH's approach is irresponsible.

If he wants to spend frivolously he should have a separate account with a set amount paid into each month for him to spend how he wishes. But when it's gone it's gone and he'll have to learn to budget and not have access to the main family pot for frivolous spending.

I feel for you on this, my husband was the same. When I questioned his lavish purchases, he said I could do the same if I wanted (eg "book yourself a spa day" as the answer to everything). BUT it was only because of my scrimping, making do and mending and sensible budgeting that there was enough money for the splurges - if we'd both been spending like that we would have been in debt. The last straw was when he spent nearly £1k on a designer suit for a new job, when I was buying mine and children's clothes from charity shops and eBay.
I don't know how you accept it, I got divorced. Maybe there is some kind of middle ground where you compromise and both change to a small degree?

I thought the OP says they don't have any financial difficulty

Similar situation here.
Husband eventually realised that having some savings is nice.
I relaxed a bit even if most of my stuff comes from charity/Vinted still.
Did you try and define a family budget? What does he say? Mine, at first, would run the moment I said “Excel spreadsheet”, still don’t like it but at least he now listens.

I'm sorry about your divorce.

I do sometimes think how peaceful it would be without the weight of this discomfort over me, but I can't ruin my children's family over a bit of stuff. Day to day it's normally okay as we're too busy for me to notice it.

I've got your approach to money and so has DH so I know I would find the position you are in with your DH stressful.

I don't think it is boring either - it is efficient/reduces stress and increases the chance of you having the big treats later - the luxury of retiring earlier/helping adult DC out more...money for bigger more meaningful treats years down the line basically.

I think I would try formalising the money more, so your DH can visually see how much is left in the account.

A system I had decades ago (with first long term BF I bought a house with) was for both our salaries to get paid into a joint account and then soon after money got automatically transferred to an expenses account where all of the bills got paid from. We calculated the amount that was needed to cover not just monthly bills but annual bills and money to be put aside for things breaking down/car maintenance and also savings. Took some work but then we knew what we were left with for the whole month rather than it going out of the account in dribs and drabs.

Now, of course, there are more modern ways of doing it - DS has a monzo account with custom pots for example. A colleague has their salaries paid into the joint account and then an equal amount is transferred into their individual accounts for 'spends'. Anyway, I would dedicate some serious time into making the money you have for 'spends' more visual and clear.

What do you mean by "keep us on track"? I assume that means he's not getting into debt, but is he leaving the family with near zero left over at the end of the month?

Do you have family savings, eg 6 months' worth of outgoings? Does he contribute? Because if your definition of "on track" is no debt but also no savings because of his spending, then that isn't acceptable.

This is the thing, I do think he would enjoy saving if he got in the habit!

Maybe I just need to force it on him, a montly finance chat and bank deposit. It won't take away the buying of crap but maybe alleviate some issues.

You need to sit down and agree a budget together. Figure out what gets spent on all the essentials each month, then what are joint wants, what is a reasonable amount to spend on the discretionary category balanced with what is a reasonable amount to spend.
Then he if wants to buy something it comes from the X amount you both have and when it runs out for the month it’s gone until the next.

We have few savings. We have our own bank accounts into which our salaries are paid and certain pre-agreed outgoings for each of us, then a joint account for other expenses. I save a bit each month but often need to use it to plug the shortfall or pay emergency bills (car, vet etc)

Ideally we'd have a year's mortgage set aside and some extra on top of that.

Is it actually causing a problem though? Like debt or not enough money for what is needed. Or is it just that it annoys you because it isn’t sensible?

Honestly that would stress me out a lot. I would request that a certain percentage of earnings gets saved as it comes in to an account he can't access and then let him know he is can go on spending sprees with the rest without me complaining about it. But my percentage would be pretty high. I heard something on a podcast this morning that said something like people who only plan ahead to the weekend spend a lot more than people who plan ahead by ten years. Maybe get a financial advisor to advise you both on the future, see if that will help change his perspective.

How much do you guys earn and how much are your rough outgoings. Setting out the facts will let me understand if your feelings of acceptance should be the way to go?

She also said they have a big bill
coming and she doesn’t know how they will pay it, so there is trouble on the horizon.

It's not causing a problem as such... we need to invest more in the house to keep it in good condition, like repoint the walls, and we keep putting it off as we don't have the money. It'll cause a problem eventually.

It sounds like you're not really compatible in your approach to money or life. Have you always felt like this? Maybe some counselling would help

But the point is, we will pay it. I'll dig into my savings, he'll go over his overdraft, we'll have a tight month or two and then it'll be done. I'd rather save beforehand than incur the stress and (in his case) fees of paying the way we do.