How to make my peace with our lifestyle

[Meetinginthemiddle]

Firstly, I know that this is a very first-world problem that I shouldn't be whining about. I'm sorry.

DH and I have very different approaches to consumption and finances. He loves nothing more than the buzz of buying and gifting, lavish meals and treats. The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning. I like the odd treat, the odd lavish meal, but mostly I like the idea of only buying what we need, make do and mend etc. I like to eat healthily, pay bills on time etc etc. All very boring.

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

Which means that I have to let go of the idea that my approach is better than his.The fact that he took the children out shopping a few days after Christmas and got them both smartwatches? The fact that he buys expensive clothes and shoes online, they don't fit, and then he doesn't return them but leaves them laying around? His choice.

Me panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it? Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family and my children’s materialism? Me wanting to save money for big bills or a rainy day? My choice.

What do I do?

And yes I have posted about this before. I have asked for help to change things. I'm now asking for help to accept them.

Is that really helpful?

Your post literally states that it hasn’t been until now that you’ve been in significant financial difficulty.

Which means you are in financial difficulty.

Your subsequent posts say you’re not.

I have no idea what help you are actually asking for, or what the point of the post was.

This is brilliant... i would love to have a set-up like this and will suggest it to my husband. Thanks very much @3LemonsAndLime

Maybe you should look at it from the point it might teach your children bad habits, they may not be in the position in their lives to be able to afford everything they've been accustomed to. They need to learn good financial habits especially if they're going to want their own houses one day.

Yes the support was appreciated. So I invite you to leave this thread as bullies aren't welcome here.

What am I reading? You make it sound as if you have no say. For god's sake you need to be discussing this every week until you reach some agreement between you. Is the rest of your relationship like this? If you can't reach some kind of agreement or compromise the en your relationship is dead in the water.

My xH was like this, terrible with money and loved compulsively buying stuff (usually for himself), and not doing things like comparing house insurance so we paid a massive premium every month. We also ended up in a big expensive house with loads of maintenance needing doing but he didn’t want to spend money on boring stuff like that.

i didn’t like it at all, but luckily he earned a shed load initially so it was ok. Or kind of ok, we were constantly in overdraft. He would have boxes of wine delivered costing a couple of hundred. I’d be selling clothes on eBay or Vinted to feel like I could buy myself something new. We didn’t have a joint account and it didn’t feel like his money was mine too.

one of many reasons we divorced. On paper now I’m much poorer but I’m in control of my finances which feels amazing.

anyway I know where you’re coming from, even if overall the financial picture is ok it’s horrible to be wasteful and over indulgent and unwise with money and to feel you don’t have agency over that. It made me feel very icky.

If you don’t have enough readily available for a large unexpected bill I’d say you were in a precarious position. What % your income do you both have saved?

I can’t believe he’s spending on this stuff whilst you’ve got minimal amounts in the bank, to me that’s really irresponsible of him when you earn enough to be saving.

Could you run through some scenarios with him? Perhaps an unexpected car bill (mine just cost me £3k) plus broken boiler, the loss of one of your salaries, mortgage rate increase? This would have me worried too OP. I’m not sure I could happily be with someone that couldn’t see past the short term.

Sounds like you could make a lucrative sideline putting the unreturned things on vinted! That isn’t meant to sound flippant btw, you probably could do that on the quiet, and save the money for something big like a holiday. Then when everyone wonders where the money has come from, let them know… and imagine how much nicer a holiday etc you could have had for what those things cost in the first place! This could massively backfire I suppose, but the idea of recouping some of the money that’s been wasted and saving it might make you feel a bit more in control of things if you don’t think you can change them

The risk however is you save for a rainy day, he spends, then when the rainy day comes it’s you who funds it.

i dont have an answer to this as “forcing” your partner to save is apparently controlling…

Well, obviously no joint bank accounts. And then each of you just does what you think is best, if you can't agree on some kind of middle ground.

My husband is a spender. Will think nothing of a meal out, loves spending loads at Christmas etc. I am a saver. In some ways I have come round to his way of thinking .. for example a few years ago he wanted to go on an abroad holiday AI. I was hesitant to spend 4k on a holiday but we did and it was so wonderful I have conceded that it is indeed worth splashing out on an expensive holiday once a year.

The way we work it is that I’m in charge of the savings and although they are in a joint account he cannot see them (his choice- he could request access if he wanted from the bank). The rest of the money in our joint account is fair game and for spending on what we both want and when it’s gone it’s gone. Big purchases (anything that wouldn’t be affordable from the main joint account) we talk about and ultimately it is me who says whether we can afford them or not.. or if it’s something like a car or holiday how much the budget is.

This works well for us. A few times when we’ve done something big (like get an extension on our house) DH has commented that we wouldn’t even have that money if he had been in charge of the savings.

I genuinely read that comment in an entirely different light. I honestly thought that the comment was sarcasm. That, however, is probably a reflection on my pre-coffee headspace. So I'm very sorry @Meetinginthemiddle and especially @User09678

Gonna shut up now til I've had enough caffeine.

It's not often there's consensus amongst posters on MN but this seems to be one of those rare occasions.

OP: hope the significance of that carries you through the difficulty of addressing your DH's approach to spending. Stay strong!

Sorry if it's been mentioned but can you split all wages straight into monzo pots?

So he can see these pots growing but he knows he can't touch them and whatever is left from pots including savings pots investment, holidays and so on, is his?

I've been married 35 years. My husband has always out-earned me and it is his money - he's worked hard for it! He has contributed more than I have to joint expenses, so I have benefited, but I would never dream of telling him how he should spend what he has earned.

I have a friend whose ex was like this.
He used to laugh and say it’s feast or famine in this house.
My friend went along with it for 16 years but getting older and wanting security became more important and in the end she left.
It was just too stressful for her.

I was about to suggest this. Open a separate account that is purely for bills. My DIL has nine different accounts she said for various outgoings and savings , spreadsheets, but she is uber organised and my son is happy for her to handle this.

Just seen three lines has said it.

We do this but in a slightly different way

I'd also add in a separate pot for children expenses, school stuff, uniform clubs hair cuts and another for Christmas.

This is what I'm thinking... I'll figure out the monthly expenses, weight it according to our salaries (he's the high earner) and then we put it in at the beginning of the month. Then he can spend his leftovers and I can save mine.

So do you do this calculating every month? That would be very wearing.

We do something vaguely similar except we both put the same amount into the joint account every month which covers all the joint household expenses with some left over which goes into joint savings (for house, holidays etc). Then we have our own spending money. (DH puts his spare cash into his savings and I invaribly spend all mine 😳😄)

I dont think you should be making peace with this impulsive careless behaviour of his. He needs to address it, therapy needed.

You’ve been given some great advice around tackling the symptoms ie saving pots etc.

The remaining issue is him chasing the dopamine hit. You aren’t going to be able to stop his need for that dopamine but you can guide how he gets it. Selling on Vinted, seeing savings grow etc can all give that hit. Or him buying to a budget on Vinted too.

Without allowing for that, he won’t be able to change.

Op you sound like a really nice person who considers the future implications of purchases and material possessions - not just for your own finances but also for the environment. It sounds like you have a very different approach to money and possessions in general from your DP. As pps have suggested I think you need to sit down and decide together how much you will save and spend each month, and maybe some rules on spending in general (eg do you have something like it already? Big tech purchases for the kids to be agreed by both of you, if something doesn’t fit return straight away, spend on experiences rather than items etc).
also another suggestion - but maybe look into why does your DP feel he needs to shop all the time? Is it boredom? Could he take up a new hobby (this might of course result in more spending for stuff for the hobby but it might be more meaningful spending on something he really enjoys rather than expensive trainers that don’t fit).

Not having savings, an emergency fund and a budget IS being in financial trouble.

What is your pension situation?

Are you both saving sufficient amounts into a pension?

What are your plans for when you are older? If he is as reckless as it appears, I worry that he will not be saving enough in his pension.

Have you thought about seeing a money coach together? They aren't an independent financial advisor (who only really work with people with 500k minimum of savings) but are a sort of halfway house and can take you through an analysis of of where you currently are in terms of savings, mortgage, pension and how that looks in 20, 30 or 40 years time depending on the choice you make now. If you have specific goals (saving for children's uni fees, extending house) you can look at what you need to do now to achieve that by your target date

Someone like:
https://octopusmoney.com/

Might help trigger some conversations between the two of you that need to be had.