How to make my peace with our lifestyle

[Meetinginthemiddle]

Firstly, I know that this is a very first-world problem that I shouldn't be whining about. I'm sorry.

DH and I have very different approaches to consumption and finances. He loves nothing more than the buzz of buying and gifting, lavish meals and treats. The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning. I like the odd treat, the odd lavish meal, but mostly I like the idea of only buying what we need, make do and mend etc. I like to eat healthily, pay bills on time etc etc. All very boring.

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

Which means that I have to let go of the idea that my approach is better than his.The fact that he took the children out shopping a few days after Christmas and got them both smartwatches? The fact that he buys expensive clothes and shoes online, they don't fit, and then he doesn't return them but leaves them laying around? His choice.

Me panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it? Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family and my children’s materialism? Me wanting to save money for big bills or a rainy day? My choice.

What do I do?

And yes I have posted about this before. I have asked for help to change things. I'm now asking for help to accept them.

It sounds like he's a shopaholic and addicted to the buzz of buying.

Buying expensive smartphones for your dc's just after Christmas isn't normal behaviour. My dh is a very high earner but even we wouldn't do that - it's not good for the kids and will give them unhealthy expectations.

And ordering stuff that doesn't fit and not returning it - Id be livid tbh, I don't think I could live like that. He needs help for his addiction imo.

What this comes down to is control and influence. You can’t control an adult and you shouldn’t want to. You can influence them and in a loving relationship you hold a lot of influence. In a marriage and a family you hold a lot of influence. Whether you are effective in your influence depends on you, the issue and his willingness to be influenced.

If he was not taking responsibility for putting the family in debt and that caused you stress that is wrong and is on him. If you are stressed because you don’t have a years worth of mortgage saved up then that is a you problem. Because this is something that is desirable not necessary for him.

It would be better for you if he did buy into it but he doesn’t and he doesn’t need to. Even if you made it a deal breaker he won’t really change his mindset. Just like you can’t change yours. You will both keep pulling in other directions. if there was a compromise you would have found it before a marriage and children.

Yet another reason to remind people that most of the marriage vows are ceremonial window dressing. Marriage is about money. It is a financial commitment and that should be completely understood by both parties.

This is why I will never get married or share finances again. My ex husband was like this and would randomly splurge oh stuff because “life is too short to worry about money”, which was easy for him to say but I was the main breadwinner and the house was in my name. I can’t think of anything more frightening than this.

If the relationship is good and you want to stay together can you talk to him about ways to ringfence your finances a bit more? Does he understand how much anxiety this gives you?

The remaining issue is him chasing the dopamine hit

Good point. Maybe Premium Bonds? You need tens of thousands to get regular winnings but once you have them it can make you reluctant to withdraw your savings in case you miss a big win.

On a smaller scale, a savings account that pays interest monthly. Transferring in more money to boost the next month's interest is very motivating.

My ex husband was a high earner and a spender. Always overdrawn, two golf club memberships, spent his lunchtimes going round the shops buying 'stuff', new car every three years, gadgets, you name it. We never had savings (I didn't bother as he would have just spent it), my suggestions to overpay the mortgage fell on deaf ears.

Divorcing him was a big relief as I could have a say over spending/budgeting. However there were relatively little assets when we divorced and had to settle for ongoing maintenance which caused endless problems. Ended up with him taking me back to court to get rid of it. I got a final settlement and total freedom.

Long story short he remarried and is going through another divorce. I hate to think what his retirement will be like. He can't work forever. Spenders are reckless with no forward planning imo. I would never be with another one. Life is precarious enough without someone living beyond their means. Not sure how you can prevent it though, it's a personality trait.

How do you find a man that stupid and wasteful attractive? I couldn’t.

I think @3LemonsAndLime has great suggestions because these work with our psychology.
I think your dh would be in financial trouble without you.
I think your priorities are as important as his.
I think saving for pensions and the dc needs to be set up too.
His fun is getting boring.

Did his mum or dad talk about their finances a lot when he was a child?
Did they go on about how they can't afford something, perhaps there was a huge financial loss (bankruptcy?) And they discussed it with the children?
This sometimes causes the children to grow up and over indulge because they're still in the mindset that they need to spend before it's taken away.
Perhaps he could go for counseling?

Why should you accept them? Why should you be the one to change? Does he actually know how much his extravagance upsets you?

This is why I'm not married to my long term partner. The man's a total idiot with money.

You need to get some kind of control of this because if you stay together, retirement will be poorer than you deserve and if you divorce he will get a huge part of whatever you save.

Some great suggestions on this thread. Also, if he is diagnosed adhd, get him on medication. It's helped us a lot, though the impulsive stupidity is still there, it is much reduced.

I would worry as much about how he affects the kids. Major gifts just after Xmas is ridiculous and you are in danger of raising spoiled brats. It is your job to teach about money and budgets and being sensible. Hate meanness, but they should be shown a middle way. There is a danger they will think things buy happiness. The best gift he can give is his time and interest in them. Having been able to help get mine on the property ladder, they would have been in rubbish rentals, if I had overspent for years. Seeing my dgc in a modest secure home with a garden is more important than the latest toy.

Set a target for a savings pot that you're comfortable with, and set automatic transfers from your accounts into it. Same with the bills account. As you suggest, weight it according to relative income. These are shared family expenses - bills AND rainy day funds. He doesn't get to duck out of that shared responsibility.

After those two things are sorted- , automatically, each month - he can spend as he wishes. You get peace of mind, you get to save extra if you want to (but I'd put that into a fund of your own, not family funds) and he gets to splash his spare cash if he wants to.

@Meetinginthemiddle you say there are no financial difficulties but also that your DH doesn't rein it in until the second warning from the bank. Surely one warning signals financial difficulty.

I could not live with someone with such an irresponsible approach to money.

Maybe get him to read the thread on here about how much people are planning to give their kids towards a house deposit! Not realistic for most people, but might give him a sense of what other people do with spare money.

You need to sit down together with a spreadsheet- money in, fixed costs, then set budgets for variable costs including gifts. It isn't rocket science but it takes discipline. I find that it's easier to be sensible when there's a significant carrot at the end eg frugal 3 months then nice treat. I'm sure with a bit of belt tightening you'll be fine but he must be on board

Because I find it funny.

No, climate change exists.

I think these mixed messages for children are awful.
I couldn't be with someone for 5 minutes whose view of money was so immature.

I find men who are financially irresponsible and spend what they like expecting their partners to fill the short fall, deeply unattractive, selfish and intellectually severely lacking.

I have a friend whose husband is like this.
She is the higher earner and he plods unambitiously in his job letting her carry it all.
They are together 30 years.

She recently received 300k which was expected and she will have savings for the first time despite a 100k salary with no morgage.

He had been talking about plans for the money...quite happy for HER to work into her late 60's, another decade while he retires next year.

I told her she was a complete fxxking idiot.
I told her that he will blow that and whilst her friends are off enjoying a well funded retirement having nice trips she will be having to work on like the work horse she is.

I really spelt out to her that it has been shocking to watch this continuously over the years.
I have mentioned savings many times over the years, but never as bluntly as this.
I never talk about our money but I gave her a truthful idea of the many multiples of her inheritance that we have for our retirement.
I told her that all of our circle will be likewise because they haven't had a hobby/toy/ fancy trip obsessed husband for 30 years spending a fortune on himself every year.

Anyway it appears it landed as she, without discussion has invested it fully for 2 years.
He was very very upset and she told him for the very first time that perhaps they have different goals and that she wants to retire and perhaps now is the time to separate.
He was absolutely speechless.
She also has now transferred her salary into her own account and has told him she will pay half the bills whilst they decide about divorce.
He cannot believe she has been so calm.

She told me that what finally registered with her was the realisation that she will not be able to join her friends on trips as she will be forever working.

He's done the fxxking Camino 10 times, he could do tours...she has NEVER been.
HIS plan for this summer is doing Route 66 for 3 weeks with two friends.
He is now scrambling to pay for it as the joint account is now barely covering bills.

These twats only care about themselves.
They certainly don't love their partners.
They are leeches that knew exactly what they were doing.
No way would they have ever been with a partner similarly feckless with money.
They know well they need some idiot to fund them.

A similar attitude to money is critical for a happy marriage because it is a huge part of trusting someone to do right by you both as a unit.

I have all the bills coming out of my account. That might be your only option. He transfers the bill money for his share to you and keeps whats left to spend how he pleases. You know the bills are covered.

I don’t think you should suggest it, you should just tell him this is what’s happening and it’s none negotiable.

@Meetinginthemiddle , to follow up on the posts about appealing to his psychology, maybe look at some fancy savings accounts.

For example, Nationwide's current offering includes:
– Flex Regular Saver, 6.50% interest, save up to £200 a month for 12 months, 3 withdrawals allowed over the year without penalty, but the fourth withdrawal crashes the interest rate to 1.75%.

– 1 Year Triple Access Online ISA (ie tax free) or 1 Year Triple Access Online Saver, 4% interest and up to 3 withdrawals without penalty.

And some 1-year bonds.

And there are many similar accounts from different banks and building societies – the former building societies seem particularly geared up.

Might help him get his dopamine fix by feeling he's getting a special deal and seeing his balance rising monthly.

Actually going into the branch and sitting down being advised on accounts might also help him feel special as a high-earner. (I had to administer my parent's estate, and the way the banks treat you when they think you're handling a lot of money is... different from what I was used to!)

It might help shift his hobby from spending lots of money, to getting his kicks through saving and investing.

This flowchart may help, particularly from steps 1 and a bit downwards.
The Flowchart - UKPersonalFinance Wiki

Anyway, financial conflicts and differences between people are difficult to handle, and a key source of separation. Partly because they are also about lots of underlying issues, about childhood, about planning, responsibility, future ...

A slightly left field datapoint for you. My late husband was very much like your husband by the sounds of it, and I was certainly more inclined to your approach, though not as ‘extreme’ (not meant as a judgement at all). And yes, everything was always fine in the end…glass half full vs glass half empty approach to life I guess.

Well, he died suddenly in his late 40s and now, looking back, I’m happy that his approach to life and money created so much shared fun and so many shared memories for me to remember fondly. So, I’d have to admit that he was right and I was wrong. Fortunately he’ll never know that 😂 Being here now with more money but less to look back on would, in some respects, just be a longer list of ‘what if’ and ‘I wish we’d done’. But, I recognise that I have a very comfortable life anyway; were this not the case, who knows what I’d think, I suspect not much differently.

We have a similar dynamic. I think I have made peace with it. As a poster said this is about control and being disappointed that he isn’t responding to your need for control. What is in your control? Leaving the relationship. What isn’t? How he wants to spend money.

if you’ve decided you don’t want to leave the relationship (perfectly valid choice) then you need to let go.

also for me, I found that I was the one with the problems around attitude to money. I didn’t have counselling but it came up in some coaching. Basically money was a huge source of anxiety even when there was plenty

my coach asked me what would ease the anxiety. £200k savings? £300k savings? I realised nothing would. I would likely always worry because it was about lack of control, vulnerability etc. not about my bank balance.

weirdly enough, I started being able to let go from that point- that was 2022 and I’m much calmer now.

my Husband and I have separate finances and always have- he spends too much for my anxiety levels.

also have a think about the positives, because there are plenty. I have had some amazing expedience because my husbands pushes for excessive treats. I’ve been happy, years on, that he pushed for the most expensive bathroom suite or windows because they quality became apparent. I’ve been pleased that he pushed for the best holiday rather than the most value for money holiday. Your children will be having great experiences on Thea shopping trips etc.

This tempers the fact that he pays his tax late and sometimes doesn’t transfer the mortgage money 😂

You both need to grow up and stop accepting it. You’ll end up in financial ruin.

I would not be staying with someone who got me into debt.

This is not a small stuff problem. Buying expenses things and not returning them is akin to having a bin fire in the middle of the lounge and setting fire to money in front of the family.
While we can have broadly different approaches as a couple once you have children the level of responsibility changes. By behaving this way he is putting himself before the rest of the family.
If you are financially stable and have spare money if you have kids it makes sense to have savings that will assist you as a family as time moves on.
You are living with an anxiety which is building and it’s valid. You need a serious conversation.
It doesn’t mean that he has to start wearing rags and eating noodles, and I’m not offending noodle eaters I love them, but he needs a budget for his treats, and that’s it.
If he won’t play ball then quite frankly he really doesn’t care that much.