How to make my peace with our lifestyle

[Meetinginthemiddle]

Firstly, I know that this is a very first-world problem that I shouldn't be whining about. I'm sorry.

DH and I have very different approaches to consumption and finances. He loves nothing more than the buzz of buying and gifting, lavish meals and treats. The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning. I like the odd treat, the odd lavish meal, but mostly I like the idea of only buying what we need, make do and mend etc. I like to eat healthily, pay bills on time etc etc. All very boring.

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

Which means that I have to let go of the idea that my approach is better than his.The fact that he took the children out shopping a few days after Christmas and got them both smartwatches? The fact that he buys expensive clothes and shoes online, they don't fit, and then he doesn't return them but leaves them laying around? His choice.

Me panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it? Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family and my children’s materialism? Me wanting to save money for big bills or a rainy day? My choice.

What do I do?

And yes I have posted about this before. I have asked for help to change things. I'm now asking for help to accept them.

You’re walking wide eyed into financial problems. Going into an overdraft and draining savings to pay a bill IS financially difficulty.

What happens next time when the savings are empty and the overdraft is maxed out? It only takes one problem to snowball and then you’re screwed.

They aren't an independent financial advisor (who only really work with people with 500k minimum of savings)

Actually that isn't the case, I've worked for IFAs and a decent one will take on someone with little savings, but will work with them to increase these savings, help them invest pensions wisely etc. Actual existing savings isn't a requirement for most, it's the willingness to understand how important it is to have some in the first place and enough income to put something aside.

An IFA should go through income & outgoings, ideally for both partners, and advise on how much is sensible to go where.

By the way, the standard advice is to have at least 3 months of all required outgoings in an easily accessible savings account, and ideally at least the same in a reasonably accessible place e.g. investments that can be easily disposed of to give money within a couple of months. With an inveterate spender, you might want to think of more than that!

If nothing else, having a professional lay it all out to him in black & white in an understandable way may help him to realise just how imprudent he is being.

We’re a BIT like this, though it’s more that money trickles away without DH noticing.

But when I suggested saving for a big thing (primarily for the children) we both really enjoyed it. Watching the savings go up provided a better dopamine hit even than spending money.

Can you instigate a savings account with DH to be used for a yearly splurge such as:

• deposit for a holiday house
• an adventurous holiday
• a new car
• a landscaped garden
• a boat

Then he has to curb his impulses to buy extravagent things every week. He has to pay into the big splurge account first. In the meantime the splurge account is an effective buffer incase the fridge explodes. All look at the bills and display them when they arrive. Have him pay half of them. He might get joy out of spending on anything - even the bills.

Separate spending money is the only way.

I love my banking app. Moving money around. Only keeping a small figure in the current account. Moving money into the savings account when it comes in. Also tracking my credit card which I pay off early.

I'm saving much more this way.

I would make sure that his debts are in his sole name only and that what you consider as joint assets are legally recognised as such. Also ensure your sole assets are in your name only so that you cannot be held liable for his debts. His day of reckoning mayor may not come but just ensure you are not drawn into it

My husband tracking our Octopus account on the other hand is a pain. We had guests at Christmas so more heating, hot water. He moaned about that 😁

He sounds massively irresponsible and a very poor role model for your DC.

I was really impressed by a dad with his DD in the supermarket the other day, she was probably about 4 or 5 yo and at the age of picking everything up off the shelves. He was chatting away to her, she picked something up and he said, no no put that back, we don't need to buy everything we see.

I thought what a brilliant dad to engage with that child and give her such an important lesson 'in the moment' like that.

you shouldn't accept your DHs behaviour. Sounds really stressful for you, because he just isn't on-side and clearly is refusing to see his attitude to budgets and spending as a problem.

does he come from a background where he didn't have much? Sometimes, overspending is compensation for having very little in childhood, making up for lost time etc.

OP, I wonder how much of a difference there is in what your earn?

Does he earn 10% more? 50% more than you?

It just seems really unfair to me that you are the one to use your savings in household bills. Especially if it turns out he has significantly more than you.

Absolutely this. I know someone with similar issues. If the “reckless” one never has to face reality, they get all the pleasure of spending and none of the worries. Joint account for essentials only. Put his name on some bills so he has to take responsibility. Get your own savings built up so you feel a bit safer. He won’t change, so all you can do is change how you manage the situation.

You could be sitting pretty financially though instead of skating by. As things are it wouldn't take much to destabilise your family financially, which you recognise and are seeking to avoid. I think an honest, direct conversation with him is needed in which you clearly state that the current situation is far from desirable, and that you will be managing family finances going forward and that he will be a le to continue to enjoy spending, but will be required to spend within his means (no credit, no overdraft).

OP what we do is have a joint account where everything goes in and then we both have seperate accounts where we each get the same ammount of discretionary funds, so we can save them or spend them without permission. We also have a seperate "SGW" bank account (shit goes wrong) we chuck £250 a month in that and we use that for surprise bills like a boiler repair or car has failed MOT etc. We also have a holiday funds account and chuck £250 a month in that too and a joint savings account and ISA's.

It really helps us to make sure we have a set amount of everything that can only be touched for it's intended purpose. It's not fair if your discretionary funds are getting used on emergency bills. A compromise can be reached if he truly is your partner and equal and just a bit daft with money. He can still have fun spends, but after bills, savings and emergency pots have been allocated.

I would probably insist that you both have to sign off on the "SGW" fund being used though otherwise he'll just see it as his personal overdraft.

I was the spender in our relationship btw, but this system has helped me reign it in and now we have 3 years of expenses saved even though we have fairly modest (at least by mumsnet standards) incomes. 😅

I’ve got friends like you…they’ve had to borrow money from each of their parents to pay mortgage at times because of his proliferate spending. I’d say you should have a household budget, certain amount of fun money each and you should build up savings for emergencies. Rule of thumb is 3-6x your monthly household budget as a fund. This is then ONLY used for emergencies /, like boiler breaks, someone loses job, etc. not to be dipped in for a holiday. Once you’ve got that any extra money could be spent on fun stuff. I’d sit him down for a serious chat. You’ve got kids he needs to be more responsible or you’ll be in tricky situation if you actually do have emergency. Also suggest wills, income protection insurance and life insurance for same reasons if you’ve not got these

I agree with this. My DH’s ex spent money in a similar way while he was trying to save. He realised that they couldn’t afford the lifestyle that she wanted and she thought he was being mean by trying to stick to a budget. It was one of the reasons that they divorced because financial security was more important to him than having designer clothes, expensive holidays, lavish gifts and regular theatre trips.

DH and I have been married for many years and we have never once needed to use our overdraft, even though we are not high earners.

My DH is like this too. Never worries about big splurges. Buys things he already has (!) just a slightly different colour - even though it's an expensive item. The answer is separate finances for us. He is my 2nd DH, and we do not share children, which makes that easier. Also the house is mine.

The thing is, he never has much in savings, whereas I do. This means that I end up paying for a lot of extra stuff like meals out, because I know I have a lot of savings and he doesn't. It doesn't bother me overly, as he does some work for me in my business, so I figure it's payback for that in my head.

I really understand your frustrations though. At one point he had packages arriving almost every day, and I felt like I could burst into tears. It's not just the spending, it's the thought of where is all of this stuff going to live. I don't want more stuff, I want less.

I love him dearly and don't want to split up, but occasionally fantasise about getting a skip and throwing all his stuff in it 😂

We have just discovered the joys of Vinted, and I am going to encourage him to sell a lot.

Sorry. I want to apologise for this post. I was in a grumpy morning mood as read it as "no matter how recklessly my partner spends his money we are so rich with our unlimited supply that there are no consequences to him not doing what I want him to do". I've had my two coffees and I'm wise awake now and that's obviously not what's you meant.

I love watching my octopus account usage 🤣

I have been with my partner 20+ years. My money is my money and his money is his. He works 80+ hours a week so he deserves what he earns. It would be incredibly selfish of me to declare his income as family money. But that's just how I think. I accept some women rely on their husbands money as family money and that's fine for sure.

Marriage to me doesn't mean shared money, it means shared responsibility and respect.

So who pays all the bills?

Add house repairs/maintenance and savings into your monthly household expenses that go into your joint account.

I think it is worth exploring your thoughts about money, your short and long term goals.

We are influenced by our parents attitudes to money and what emotions we experienced about money in our childhood.

It can be helpful to map out what your needs are and what preparation you are doing for your future.

It is also helpful to have conversations with your partner. We go through ups and downs, and it can help to revisit saving and spending habits regularly.

I really disagree with the notion that because he earns it, it's his money. When you have children and joint commitments, that money belongs to the family, to ensure the stability and security of that family. Only single people with no responsibilities, have the luxury of blowing all their money.

Financial incompatibility is a relationship killer - it pits all the stress on one person to do the right things, make sensible choices and to keep the family safe. It's fundamentally unfair!

There are ways to mitigate the financial risk but the real problem here (apart from the practical) is that he is telling you that ultimately he doesn't care about your mental wellbeing, your stress over finances - he's going to do whatever the fuck he likes and you can just suck it up. That's no way to live in a marriage.

And the truth is that while you might have enough money coming in now, this can change in a heartbeat. My family's income has literally reduced by 4/5 in a month because my Dh has become ill. Luckily I have a bit of money saved and I've got a job (but no job security) but it's been massively stressful.
I'm a cautionary tale to not take continued high income for granted and to have some put by.

And if you're having bills come in that you cannot easily pay, while he's bringing home a decent amount, then he's definitely living beyond his means.

Refusal to change would be a divorce level event for me - I'd rather have less but be secure.

The environmental / consumption conversation is another topic to explore your own thoughts on and then discuss...

Yes it think you need to split finances up a little bit more than you are currently