How to make my peace with our lifestyle

[Meetinginthemiddle]

Firstly, I know that this is a very first-world problem that I shouldn't be whining about. I'm sorry.

DH and I have very different approaches to consumption and finances. He loves nothing more than the buzz of buying and gifting, lavish meals and treats. The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning. I like the odd treat, the odd lavish meal, but mostly I like the idea of only buying what we need, make do and mend etc. I like to eat healthily, pay bills on time etc etc. All very boring.

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

Which means that I have to let go of the idea that my approach is better than his.The fact that he took the children out shopping a few days after Christmas and got them both smartwatches? The fact that he buys expensive clothes and shoes online, they don't fit, and then he doesn't return them but leaves them laying around? His choice.

Me panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it? Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family and my children’s materialism? Me wanting to save money for big bills or a rainy day? My choice.

What do I do?

And yes I have posted about this before. I have asked for help to change things. I'm now asking for help to accept them.

I don’t think you can or should make peace either this. He’s a reckless man. If he were my partner I would expect him to compromise with a joint savings account with monthly direct debit on payday and returning unwanted items to shops. Otherwise I’m afraid I’d be making plans to leave him.

I think in your position, I’d set up a savings vehicle of my own just for the peace of mind. I’m like you, and like to have a healthy buffer for life’s rainy days.

My view is that a good marriage is approached much like a business partnership, someone has to be the accounts department, and if DH isn’t suited to that, then sort it out yourself OP.

This is very similar to myself and DH. He likes buying stuff, I am very frugal and actually dislike “stuff”. I’ve learned to adjust to it, and not judge his way as wrong.

However, he would never buy wrong-sized clothes and shoes and not return them. That is just lazy, wasteful and stupid. It’s disrespectful of your joint finances.

That needs sorting out. I would be saying he needs to get on Vinted or ebay and sell it all before he can buy any more.

Divorce him now.

You have no great assets so you won’t have to hand over half your savings or pension for him to piss up a wall.

You have no great debts so you won’t be landed with them either.

You have time to save a pension which will not be used to subsidise his profligacy until you are living on a pittance.

Go through CMS. They will take out child support from his wage before he gets to spend it.

You can create a life with your children that may be smaller than it is now but will be stable for the long term. Just imagine the reduction in your stress knowing that you can pay your bills. I couldn’t live the way you are right now.

Don’t think it as breaking up the family. Look forward to the comfort of stability. If you stay with him, you face a life of unhappy bleakness.

Why is that funny?

I take it as a sign that someone is a right thicko if they’re constantly buying crap from China (Temu/shein etc) and not considering the impact of their pointless consumption.

Make a Budget.
Why should he get to spend/fritter away all his leftovers, while you wisely save for that rainy day.
He should also contribute to the Rainy Day fund.
Sit him down and show him all expenses and outgoings.

While DH and I have very similar spending styles, a bit of saving a bit of splurging.
What works for us is to have a joint account for all family money.... all decisions for spending this money are discussed. And it's really only for bills, joint savings, family holidays etc...
Then we have the same monthly "allowance", from the joint account into our own personal accounts, and we can spend that as we wish. DH spends all his every month, I save some every month but then I might have a weekend away with friends and blow it.

He does sound financially a bit reckless to me, but if you've enough money to live maybe it's OK? Are you also putting away savings?

I wonder who he is trying to impress?
Was he was bullied as a child or made to feel a failure and he deals with his insecurities by being lavish and materialistic to show people what he now has and can provide his children.

He is the high earner, so ultimately it's his money and how he spends it is his decision. My DH is also the higher earner and I can't really control what he spends his money on as long as he pays his share of our bills. Not much you can do apart from starting to earn more and save more of your own money.

But! Buying your kids stuff without your approval sucks and shouldn't happen. If he spends money on himself that's fine but buying big things for kids without consulting you is a bit rude.

Why would you make peace with this? He sounds like a bit of a baby who can't control himself around treats. Not attractive in anyone.

It's good you haven't been in financial difficulty yet, but sounds like more luck than judgement on his part.

Who's told you you need to just roll over and "make peace with your lifestyle"?

You are in financial difficulties if you have to use your savings for regular bills. What would have happened if you weren’t there and hadn’t saved?

Not being financially secure is a massive burden and stress that is making you unhappy.

Where is the compromise? Why do you have to “learn to accept it”???

Why does he get to choose what the family’s money is spent on.

Honestly, I would describe having rainy day savings, paying bills and maintaining the house as “needs” and his materialistic spending as “wants”

It sounds like he doesn’t value your feelings if he is not willing to sit down and have a grown up conversation about it and find a compromise to your reasonable needs.

Not being on the same page about finances is a major cause of divorce.

It's funny because even if you're buying a cartfull of crap from temu on a daily basis, it will never match the carbon footprint of various industries. When I see people weeping about not using reusable nappies and moaning about carbon footprint about an annual holiday to Europe, I just despair.

Maybe if people are GENUINELY THAT horrified about carbon footprints, don't have children. That's the real impact, not some stocking fillers from temu.

You need a direct debit from the joint account into a separate household and car maintenance fund, to cover household repairs, car breaking, vet bills etc.

Work out how much you need to spend per year on this, divide by twelve. Set up direct debit

Separate accounts. A bills account. An account each for spending. Then you won’t be as stressed by what he is doing. If he gets into debt it’s his issue. I married someone like this now divorced. I don’t miss the stress as he hasn’t changed.

Tell him he needs to put an extra £300 in the joint expense account each month to build up family savings. Stop using your own savings pot to pay for shared expenses (vet / car bills). Be direct about what is needed.

Two points - your DH is living a life that he simply cannot afford to live and he is not behaving as if he is part of a married couple. This must be incredibly stressful for you, OP, because he is being deeply selfish and irresponsible, and there is a real risk that his house of cards will come tumbling down, dragging you and your DC with it. I don’t think you should accept his behaviour as it is dangerous and damaging.You say that his spending is not causing problems but it is - the family has no significant savings so you are “teetering on the brink” financially. What if something goes wrong eg job loss, serious illness?

Have you thought ahead to retirement and how accepting his spending will affect that?

Your method means you can retire and have a nice lifestyle. What does his mean?

There really ought to be a happy medium here, where you can sit down and agree a budget that satisfies your sensible need for savings but also gives him an amount to spend on whatever he likes - and you too!

Neither of you is wrong but you are at opposite ends and the solution is to meet in the middle.

DH and I are exactly the same. He was the spendthrift and had zero savings and paid thousands in overdrawn fees before we met (he got £4k back...)

We now have a paid off house and 40k savings. He looks back amazed at how foolish he was.

So can you pay this bill that you mentioned in your OP? If you can't, then you are in financial trouble.

As a couple are you.living beyond your means? If you are you've got to stop as it's just a matter of time before it gets really messy and quite horrible for you all as a family.

I couldn't live like this, and he's teaching your children to be very materialistic, which is very sad. Do they seem grateful for things?
You might be fine now, but it'll catch up with you eventually. I also wouldn't be surprised if he has secret credit cards...

Have you built up an emergency fund of six months salary and a fund for replacing expensive items?

Maybe having separate pots for these things will be helpful.

And having your own spending money accounts sounds good too.

Maybe see a financial adviser together as a way to get closer to be being in the same page.

Why is this funny? Are you a climate change denier?

Maybe I've been married for way too long but just because he earns more doesn't mean it's his money! It's all family money and should all be in the family pot.
I earn more than DH but everything is shared, and we each have the same spending money for ourselves.... to spend how we wish.

Absolutely fantastic advice from 3LemonsAndLime
Advice we should all follow!
Mumsnet at its absolute best!

The problem though with op’s dh is that op would still have to be alert all of the time as to whether he has raided one of the three accounts. And maybe that is manageable and she will feel happy having more visible control over the situation, But she will still be managing it.

In other words this issue is about trust as much as it is about money,

And I am not sure how you can respect and trust a dh who endangers their family’s security like this?

To my mind it’s like entrusting your husband to do the school run when you know he drives recklessly at times? Ultimately you just wouldn’t allow it because you know eventually it will lead to serious, possibly irrevocable, trouble.