How to make my peace with our lifestyle

[Meetinginthemiddle]

Firstly, I know that this is a very first-world problem that I shouldn't be whining about. I'm sorry.

DH and I have very different approaches to consumption and finances. He loves nothing more than the buzz of buying and gifting, lavish meals and treats. The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning. I like the odd treat, the odd lavish meal, but mostly I like the idea of only buying what we need, make do and mend etc. I like to eat healthily, pay bills on time etc etc. All very boring.

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

Which means that I have to let go of the idea that my approach is better than his.The fact that he took the children out shopping a few days after Christmas and got them both smartwatches? The fact that he buys expensive clothes and shoes online, they don't fit, and then he doesn't return them but leaves them laying around? His choice.

Me panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it? Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family and my children’s materialism? Me wanting to save money for big bills or a rainy day? My choice.

What do I do?

And yes I have posted about this before. I have asked for help to change things. I'm now asking for help to accept them.

This issue is causing resentment, and you never get over that, it will eat away at you. But it won’t bother him.

We don't have financial problems though. We're way more precarious than we should be, given our income, but we're okay.

Approach to finances is a big, foundational issue. I wouldn’t like it.
I think it sounds like your husband has some deep issues around money. Is he ok with eroding the security of your family ?

There's a spectrum here.

If you have never hit financial difficulty he's clearly not too far towards one end if it as many impulsive spenders do but financial difficulty.

Equally, if one is always saving and never does anything spontaneous or has any treats life can be a bit grey.

Look at your financial position overall. Long term assets - do you both work and have pensions? Are you in industries where if you lost your job you could get another one quite quickly?

Do you have life insurance?

A lot of the things people save for can also be sorted by buying insurance.

Do you rent or own your house? If you own with mortgage then downsizing/moving to a cheaper area can be an option in cases of financial difficulties.

The standard advice is to have about six months worth of normal spending in savings to give a cushion in case of job loss etc.

There's a balance here. If you own your own home, both have pensions and work in stable industries where you would get another job fairly easily then getting the kids smart watches after Christmas is neither here nor there.

If you are renting, on one income and that's in an insecure Industry I'd be a lot more wirried.

You say you don't have financial difficulties but also that you wouldn't know how to pay a big bill, or deal with a job loss. That seems like a difficulty to me.

I think I'd insist on having an account where enough goes to pay the essentials, another account which is for savings to build up a buffer, and then anything left over goes into an account that you can both use for extras. If there's nothing left in that account, he can't spend it.

My family is very comfortably off and I have a lot of savings and I'd still be very annoyed by money wasted on things not returned to shops! It would feel disrespectful to the hard work we both put into our jobs.

"Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family"

Howling!!! 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I had a family member who did this. Of course, he then ran off with another woman, and financial resources were split, after all her scrimping and saving.

Like a previous poster I too think it's odd that you've labelled your want of security and having funds to pay next month's big bill as 'boring'. That's not boring, that's sensible, practical and very very normal.

If you're each giving a portion of your wages at the start of month to pay bills and essentials, and then he fritters away the rest so has nothing to save at the end of the month then why not up the essential amount each of you pays to include a chunk for saving? So that's being ring fenced at the start of month?

Maybe he feels it's nice to spend now on gubbins as it's for the children and he wants them to have it all. Could you pursuade him to save on the basis it'll be there for use in the futures or for a big purchase or family holiday etc....so he sees saving as still benefitting the kids?

I really wouldn't like this either.

I do think it would be reasonable, if not fair to insist that a portion of yours and his wages goes into a long term savings/ investment vehicle and that IT IS NOT TOUCHED.

You're facing a really precarious retirement. That would worry me deeply.

It would also worry me that he is spending money that could go to your children for their future - house deposits etc.

I don't know how people are interpreting the voting options - I voted YABU because I think OP is unreasonable in wanting to accept her current situation. Which other posters seem to agree with but that's not reflected in the poll.

Maybe you could go on a small campaign to be more ecologically aware as a household in 2025? You could gamify it - see who can make the biggest reduction in their carbon footprint.

My dh buys lots of pointless crap - not expensive, just unnecessary replacements for things we already have that are perfectly fine (in my opinion). But we have gradually found a way of gently cross-checking purchases with each other. He will have an occasional splurge (at Christmas) and he also does this thing of buying the wrong size, promising to return and then just taking it to the charity section at the dump. it is so annoying.

you can also create pressure from below via the kids. Talk to them about plastic and other pollution, palm oil, fast fashion, the billions of tons of waste and the fact our planet is dying. My dd has become a big fan of Vinted - she almost fainted when she went in a Hollister store after Covid and saw the “real” price of the clothes she wears. Teach your kids to budget and show them how far money goes … show them how much a house costs and work out how much they’d need to earn to have car, house etc

Split leftover money (after bills, mortgage, food, childrens necessary clothes and clubs etc).
Then you both have the same amount for either spending or saving

Doesn't he care that there'll be no spare money to help your kids at uni, with a deposit later etc.? If you're good earners this would be a possibility if he didn't fritter it all away. And what about retirement?

It's reasonable to agree an amount to go into a savings account every month. That probably would go a long way into helping you feel less anxious.

Also -- maybe you should plan some spending for yourself from time to time.

It’s stressful. Same in this house. DH just doesn’t know how money works… He’s better since we had DS. But I pay the bills & look after our finances. He hands money over every month. We don’t have a joint account.

I like to buy things, too. But there’s a budget. I’ve got savings (he doesn’t know how much, it’s for DS). When he was given money (inheritance) I begged him to hand it over. Maybe spend some? But he blew the lot…

It’s not really two different approaches though. I’d see two different but equally valid approaches as:

1. choose to have a big house and associated mortgage and spend frugally in other areas to pay for it.
2. choose a smaller house and mortgage with spare money for holidays and cars / material things.

In his case he’s being reckless and wasteful and spending money you don’t have. I don’t think it’s fair to make your partner worry over money, You are married so it’s joint money, you have a right to challenge his behaviour.

Next time there is a big bill that you have to dip into savings for it's a good time to have a chat about a new joint savings account to cover those big bills. Even if it's not loads it would at least be a start and a drip drip drip to help him see your point of view.

The question that immediately springs to my mind op is why on earth should you accept it?

I haven’t read your previous posts about this and your op is confusing.

On the one hand you say that you have never found yourself in ‘significant” financial difficulty?

And in almost the same breath you mention that you are “panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it?” And that you cannot accrue savings? And that you are receiving red letters from the bank?

So which is it?

It sounds to me like you clearly are already in financial difficulty, and are storing up significant financial problems up for yourselves, if you are starting to worry about paying big bills and you don’t have any savings if something goes wrong eg your boiler blows up in mid-winter!

So point one is that you can’t begin to approach a problem correctly if you deny the reality and seriousness of it in the first place!

You know in your heart that this situation is serious and it is not sustainable. It will catch up with you eventually and will cause you endless stress in the meantime!

How old are your dc op? You need savings to get them through university or some form of higher education. You need family savings as back up emergency funds in case one of you can’t work. You need savings to contribute to private pensions.

You love your husband and so you are telling yourself you must accept his behaviour and somehow you will all muddle through,

I’d like to know op why in your head you have arrived at a place where you think the best course of action is acceptance?

Is it because he is the bigger earner?

Or is it because there is some sort of unequal power dynamic within your marriage?

Or is it because somehow he has gaslighted you in to thinking your values don’t matter as much as his?

Or is it because you have tried to resolve this a thousand times and he won’t change his behaviour and you know that your marriage will be in danger if you push any harder?

Or he has some sort of coercive control over you that you daren’t challenge?

Your dh is damaging your family op! What are you going to do about it?

I don’t mean to sound harsh because my sympathy is one hundred percent cent with you. This situation must be beyond stressful. He is playing with your family’s safety and It’s utterly irresponsible.

It sounds like you have tried and you can’t change his behaviour, so the only thing left is changing your reaction to it, and you know what this means in your heart of hearts, and it’s crunch time, and instead of challenging him and confronting the situation, you’ve decided that burying your head in the sand or “acceptance” is the better plan.

I hope I’m wrong but that probably means he is unwilling to ever change and that leaves you with an inevitable dilemma.

One bit of advice op: love is not enough and it’s one thing putting yourself in a precarious situation, but please don’t accept it for your dc.

Why on earth are you reluctant to ruffle his feathers when he has no conscience at all about totally flattening yours?

Here’s a link to information about coercive control just in case you need it:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-statutory-guidance-framework/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-statutory-guidance-framework-accessible

I think giving you ideas on how to handle this is not the best of ideas, as it’s enabling you and possibly making you stay in a situation longer than you would. (Similar to some women who say ‘he hits me, but is great at other times, how do I get him to stop/learn to live with being hit, so I can stay for the children?’. When everyone removed from the situation can see the only thing the person should do is get out).

But assuming you know your own life, and know best, I would have a chat with DH and say you’ve going to stop taking on the mental load of worrying about $, and in order to do so, the best way forward for you both is to have one joint Bills account, into which you both have an auto transfer of you total yearly bills divided by month and split in salary proportion.

Then you have a second account called House, which is 1-2% of your houses value, again divided by the month. Again you both put in an auto transfer every month from your salaries, in proportion. (As an aside, 1-2% is minimum what is recommended people spend on home upkeep each year. So this is for emergency household work when the boiler/oven breaks, the plumber needs to be called or, hopefully, you planning ahead and using it to replace the oven/washing machine/roof when you know it’s getting old etc).

Then you have a third account called Holidays - same as above. You can’t take a holiday until you have money in the account to pay for it.

After than, all your money is your own, in your own personal accounts. You can save and he can spend, it’s your own choice. But the three accounts above are not to be touched except for those things. Make them hard to access the money if you too, as the second and third should only be accessed for long planned purchases anyway.

Personally, I would say you need an Emergency Fund of 3 months expenses first, and forgo the holiday fund (or pay more from your own portions) to fund this. But I suspect your DH will not respect that account and see it as one to ‘raid’ when he wants something. So I’d do the above and probably save on my own, knowing that my own savings won’t be used for emergency big bills anymore.

Finally, you have to stay chill, and enforce it. So there isn’t enough money in the holiday account for a holiday DP wants? Then you don’t raid another account, you go on a smaller holiday (or no holiday) and save up for next year. If DP buys iPads or smart watches from his own account, fine. If he raids one of the accounts, you insist he repay the money immediately. If he goes into his overdraft to do so, it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX. You have detached. You are chill. The main accounts are secure, everything else is his problem.

In a perfect world, I’d also suggest 6 month Emergency Fund account, offset against your mortgage, and money into your pensions. But that’s something you can work towards. I think it will be v hard to do the above as it is.

It sounds like you shrimp and save to cover his splurging so that doesn't seem fair.

Your OP is unclear. It says

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

That means that now you are in significant financial difficulty.

Did you mean, “So far, we have never…”?

”Until now” sounds like a mistranslation. also
“The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning.” doesn’t make sense.

Is English not your first language?

You don’t have financial problems currently, it can all change.

I had some health issues in my early fifties, I had planned to retire at 60 at the latest but stopped at 52.I could afford to retire because DH and I had a careful approach. We eat well and have always had lovely holidays and eaten out quite a lot but don’t buy stuff unless other stuff has worn out. In that sense we are accidentally eco friendly but it’s because we are careful.

what you need is to work out exactly how much was spent last year, easily done with online banking. Then you can see where your money is going.

As for not sending back that don’t fit on a regular basis. I know MN is full of be kind and all that malarkey but I would be telling a partner they were thick as shit for doing that.

I could not accept this - sounds like you need to compensate for his spending to stay on track and that would not be something I could or would want to advise someone on how to accept.