How to make my peace with our lifestyle

[Meetinginthemiddle]

Firstly, I know that this is a very first-world problem that I shouldn't be whining about. I'm sorry.

DH and I have very different approaches to consumption and finances. He loves nothing more than the buzz of buying and gifting, lavish meals and treats. The bank to be engaged with only on the second warning. I like the odd treat, the odd lavish meal, but mostly I like the idea of only buying what we need, make do and mend etc. I like to eat healthily, pay bills on time etc etc. All very boring.

Until now, we have never found ourselves in significant financial difficulty.

Which means that I have to let go of the idea that my approach is better than his.The fact that he took the children out shopping a few days after Christmas and got them both smartwatches? The fact that he buys expensive clothes and shoes online, they don't fit, and then he doesn't return them but leaves them laying around? His choice.

Me panicking because we have a big bill coming up and not entirely sure how we'll pay it? Me despairing at the carbon footprint of our family and my children’s materialism? Me wanting to save money for big bills or a rainy day? My choice.

What do I do?

And yes I have posted about this before. I have asked for help to change things. I'm now asking for help to accept them.

Not returning stuff, very wasteful in money and clothes

Has your husband shown any other unusual behaviours? There are a few mental health conditions which cause impulse purchasing and overspending. I used to do the exact same thing, chasing a dopamine hit from buying things I didn't need or would never use. I was completely and utterly unaware that my attitude to spending and buying things wasn't normal. I'm talking about going to a mall to buy shoes and coming home without shoes but a £20k watch I've worn 4 times... Then going back to same store and doing the same thing again 3 months later. I'm on medication now and honestly the difference is night and day. Just really wish I got help sooner.

What's funny about that?

The exaggeration for one thing. Despairing about your own climate footprint - are you a fucking coal powered factory?

As I've said previously in this thread, if people are GENUINELY THAT terrified about their carbon footprint, then don't have children. It's literally the one thing you can do to really, meaningfully reduce your carbon footprint. It's not obsessing about recycling certain types of plastic. It's not obsessing about letting your car idle for 2 minutes. It's not obsessing about ordering one little thing from temu. It's not obsessing about flying to Spain once a year. It's just not.

The problem with that setup though @Meetinginthemiddle is that when you're married, you're legally financially tied, as well as any debt associated with your address is also linked to you. So you do need to be a bit careful about him being completely reckless

My advice wpuld be to read a book ' psychology of money'. Attitude to money is significant aspect of our life and transpires to other aspects of it. It is crucial in any relationships otherwise causes tensions, stress... the author of the book had a podcast with steve barlett, it maybe easier to listen to it.

I manage our finances but I don’t hide anything. I love to save for things and I like the credit card paid in full monthly. But that’s me. I grew up without a pot to Pee in basically and I never want to be in that position again. My husband doesn’t care what I spend money on providing he gets to have the odd night out or weekend away. So it’s a win win far as I’m concerned. He can look when ever he wants and he does have access to the accounts in case I drop dead. But it has suited us for 40 years so we won’t change it anytime soon.

Hello OP.
My DP and I also have different approaches to spending. Not radically different but he is more a spender and I more a saver.
Ages ago, we separated the household/bills/food account and we both pay into that equally. I save a proportion of what is left in my account and he does too, a bit, but feels anxious about money and poor.
I'm sorry that he feels that way because we certainly aren't poor but at least I am not impacted by his spending choices.
Also, since I do the food shopping, we are not wasting money on silly stuff. We have a shopping list on the fridge door and we both add to it depending on what we are planning to cook. Anything else, we'll buy ourselves.
Works well.

Depends who is the higher earner. You have separate finances? He has to take the mortgage and bills on his name only and pay them first and then have his fun money. You have to save all your salary because at the minute you are supporting his unhealthy lifestyle. Do you love him enough to stay

bingo, girl; this is how we always did it and thanks God he did not want shared banking, because now when I work, save it all to my name

I set up the same system after I suddenly lost my job about 30 years ago. (Company went bust- I was made redundant) In addition to those accounts I have one for ‘cars’ - £150 a month for two cars - insurance, MOT, tax, servicing and maintenance, new tyres etc all come out of that.
also ‘xmas and birthdays’. £150 a month for a family of 4 is ample - we could probably manage on less.
after a year on this system you will never worry about regular big bills or unexpected expenses again. Also you will never pay fees or interest on paying monthly.

Both our kids follow this system. My son says it was the best advice I ever gave him. They can spoil themselves with treats how they like or take holidays and know the basics are covered.

I couldn’t live with that. You’re a bloody saint to put up with it. Just give yourself lots of love and have lots of you time to recharge from the stress of it all. Make sure you do lots of whatever the stuff is that makes you happy. If he complains about it tell him why. It’s just maintaining your mental health.

In the short term, start chucking his stuff on Vinted.

Does your income match is sending? X

Hello,

Me and husband are both sh*t with money so I understand his lifestyle, DH also has adhd annd would spend our last pound on crap if he could aha, I’m not quite thah level but I enjoy a good indulge. We find that transparency and accountability are the only thing that help keep us both on track.
I think whilst you accept the way he is doesn’t mean you can’t implement some changes which helps you all out, for example open conversation about how you both approach money differently, and explaining to him why you think it’s important to save.
We have ‘spends’ each month which is in our seperate person accounts, maybe you could budget your spends and then spends for your children’s things such as clothing, meals out etc.. everything else gets split between bills and savings (recommend an ISA he can’t get it out of easily) might be a good deterrent when he feels the need to overindulge!