Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

This is all bonkers! Are baby announcements really a thing now?!

This current pregnancy I just rang my mum (wanted to tell her in person but I wasn't going to see her for a few weeks) and said "I'm pregnant, obviously early days". DH rang his parents. Some friends already knew as I was on holiday with them. I kind of assumed once a few people knew it wasn't going to be a huge secret. Didn't tell people generally until 13 weeks and didn't start mentioning regularly to DS until about 20. I think anyone whose had loss or infertility is much less concerned about photogenic "birth announcements" and is more thinking about what emotional support they might need in their pregnancy.

You and your parents in law all sound very immature and ott over basically a non issue..

The only person I'd be annoyed with is your cleaner as that is pretty unprofessional. If she gossips about that who else is she telling what to?

If I had been told by those other than my son and his wife or my daughters and their husbands that my husband and I were to become grandparents, I have to admit I’d have been hurt.

Your choice of course to tell a prospective child minder, or whoever you chose, but you now have to accept the consequences, most especially of this woman gossiping. The cleaner was unpardonably indiscreet. Whether you continue to employ her and feel comfortable having her in your home is obviously something to think about.

Left to me, I’d be wanting to reach out to my in-laws to explain and smooth the way going forward.

Did the cleaner know it was a secret?

The OP has said there isn't much choice for childcare. Would losing her place with one of the very few available be wise?

Whilst the parents could have kept their disappointment at being lied to previously quiet, I think the OP is over reacting to them not acting surprised.

I think your anger is completely misplaced. Be angry at the pair of big mouths who blabbed off about it. That’s where your anger should be directed. Of course they are going to feel like they were the last to know when not just one but two random people who shouldn’t have said anything both spouted off about it,

Well, you told the childminder and the cleaner before them and then lied when they directly asked, then tried to make FILs birthday all about you and your 'news' and threw a tantrum because they were hurt which included withdrawing their child from them.

Is the other way to see this.

They're not withdrawing attention from the second child at all so try to avoid bringing your. Childhood anxiety into your parenting. But they are upset with the way you and your partner have handled this. I think it's more that this has brought up feelings that you don't like being criticised and want to cut them off, nothing to do with their response to the unborn child

It's a small town - I bet everyone knows everyone and is friendly with one another.

This, who on earth tells a childminder before family. It’s all utterly mad. The childminder probably assumed that granny already knew, because it’s mad that she would know before granny!!

Brat

You should all be pissed off with the childminder and the cleaner, for being unprofessional gossips, not with each other.

Not sure I’d employ someone in my home and in my family that I couldn’t trust. They’d be getting my wrath, although the IL’s reaction is pretty twatty.

If you wanted to keep a secret so that you can make a big production number announcement, you've gone a funny way about it.
The person I feel sorry for is OP's DH, stuck in the middle of all the drama!

The time to clear up the misunderstanding was last night with them in front of you.
They were hurting already as they knew they had been lied to, so your ‘surprise’ fell flat on its face. They could have been much more gracious about it, especially after having received a decent explanation, but then so could you. Flouncing off and not staying around to talk it through respectfully for a few more minutes while they were there, was rather immature and unnecessary.

The direct lie is something that does need an apology. It was always going to come unstuck.

Im sorry you were rejected as a child OP. This may account for your intense reaction. With good will and reassurance from both sides I’m sure you can help get past this horrible feeling for the sake of your children. I hope their response demonstrates their misplaced and rather over-egged disappointment and reflects their true concern for you. And that you can accept each other’s viewpoints.

I agree with this. The biggest mistake here was lying about it as then when you've made the special announcement that's just made the hurt worse. Sorry OP I want to agree with you but I think you are in the wrong here and it's an OTT reaction. Also is the cleaner a family friend or relative? Never in a million years would mine blab something like that to anyone. How does she know MIL? My cleaner wouldn't know any of my close family well enough to chat and we all live locally. I would perhaps re-think your set up after this as sounds unprofessional. Hope you feel better once you calm down.

You’re massively overreacting. Saying it was someone else with the same name probably made things 100 times worse, anyone would be hurt it they’re son and wife lied to them.

your issue should be with the ones who shared your news knowing it was confidential

I call wind up but just in case you need some advice: grow up.

I don't understand how you interpret this as pushing you aside. If anything, it's the reverse - they feel pushed aside because other people knew about their grandchild before they did. Your MIL was understandably upset about that.

Also I hate to break it to you but a verbal agreement with a childminder at 5 weeks pregnant isn’t actually securing a place.

Really? I followed her logic with no problem at all!! Her PIL were appalling - made the whole thing about them and basically ruined what should have been a happy moment. If mine had done this you bet they wouldn’t be seeing me or DC for a long time.

I could not bare to look at them.. I am sure they didn't want to see you naked either.

Current numbers
YANBU - 17%
YABU - 83%

It's entirely reasonable that they were upset that your cleaner and childminder were informed of the news first. Your anger reaction is odd. I would just have explained I wanted to make the reveal into a bit of an occasion for them which was why they weren't told before but apologise for hurting their feelings. I can imagine how strange the conversation would be with the cleaner and childminder saying how excited they must be and them not even knowing. That would hurt.

Haven't read the full thread so someone else may have mentioned this but I thought in the UK a first midwife appointment was at 12 weeks. Why would someone have maternity documents at 5 weeks pregnant.

Not sure I believe this.

You're nuts ! 5 weeks and you have asked a Childminder and have maternity documents!? Eh?
I think they are disappointed and hurt people of no importance knew before them . Maybe they could have dealt with it better.
You seem unable to understand this.
You sound attention seeking and my sympathy lies with them .

@GAZ0188 I agree with the fact that the childminder and the cleaner are in the wrong but I think folk are being mean to the OP.

It sounds like mil is not a nice person snd OP has had a difficult childhood so the response they got when telling them about the pregnancy was not a nice one. No wonder the OP was upset.

sounds like a difficult relationship anyway and this is just another part of that.

please enjoy your pregnancy and your own wee family unit!

And yes, the main fault lies with the childminder and cleaner, but in this situation I would have pretended not to know and never spoiled that moment. OP didn’t tell everyone else on social media, she understandably asked about a childcare place early given childcare shortages at the moment, and the cleaner was not told at all. PIL have behaved appallingly here.

I think you are not being unreasonable but I think you should be more furious at your cleaner and childminder. In fact, FUCKING FURIOUS with them. I'd be firing the cleaner and letting her know why, and the 'child minder' would be told you are going elsewhere because of their lack of discretion and you will be reporting them to their boss/authority.

It's amazing how people who clearly have zero qualifications can diagnose narcissistic personality disorders.