Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Sounds like you all need to chill the fuck out to be honest

Is nobody picking up on MIL gossiping about her DIL with the cleaner, child minder & who knows what else!?
Whilst disappointed, I’m sure, as an ADULT woman she could’ve shut the gossip down with both of those women, and waited until the family were told. After birth, she could’ve mentioned it in passing or taken it to her grave. This woman doesn’t have your back.

Christ on a bike.
Of course the random people you told/ let know you were pregnant would assume your family know. Why would they think that you told the childminder first? Bonkers.

And then you’re angry because your staged surprise didn’t go according to plan?
Extraordinary

Why on earth did you wait for 12 weeks to tell your family? That's for employers and people like that!
As soon as they were told by the childminder you should have fessed up. Then you would got your excited reaction!

I think their reaction is entirely understandable and yours is really weird and ott.

And ' conveyed' doesn't mean what you think it means. It's use in that sentence isn't appropriate.

Oh that's horrible. I can totally relate. Especially as similar happened to me.

I'd be furious with the CM and cleaner tbh. And definitely rethink your childminder - re confidentiality. Yes you'd not formally got to the point where you'd signed up but she should have enough sense to keep her mouth shut. The cleaner works for you already so absolutely not on!

When I discovered I was pregnant and working as a teacher, just before my wedding, I made the mistake of telling my TA. She told people, the class teacher in the next class gossiped about it to other teachers. And because I had words with the other teacher about it she decided to make catty comments about me 'not drinking' at my wedding. I was upset too. I'd only told my Mum and the TA (to explain why I wouldn't be climbing on chairs etc).

It's not just that it's stolen your thunder for nice birth announcements, it's personal and you want to keep it for yourself for a little bit.

In my situation I was also worried re - pre-eclampsia as I had a history of. I ended up having a very prem baby.

It's not nice to gossip, even though it's nice news. I can see the PIL side of things to some extent but their reaction wasn't kind.

How you all reacted doesn't sound great TBH.

You asked the childminder and cleaner not to say anything. They did. You had no control over that, however, they shouldn't have done it. You need to say something to them about discussing personal details with other people.

Your ILs sound OTT. How you have chosen to respond to them, including what your DH said also sounds a bit weird.

Total overreaction (on both parts)
Your anger is misplaced.
You should have told your cleaner and childminder off for being so unprofessional.

That is some twisting and turning to make this the mother in laws fault!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣

How come your MIL knows your cleaner well enough for them to have had this conversation?

Sounds like you all live in a claustrophobically small community full of gossips and drama lovers.

No need to add to the drama and fall out OP. By all means vent online, but I’d be annoyed too if I were them. Also I think it’s weird that you want to manage their reaction to your (old) news. Please don’t shit stir between your partner and his family. Congratulations btw

They didn't react the way you wanted? Other people are not puppets in some show you are putting on.

Before you destroy your relationship forever please at least consider the possibility that pregnancy hormones are making you overreact.

This all sounds over the top.
Did you make sure you said to the childminder not to say anything? I imagine they would have assumed that as you were telling non family members so early, that they would have already known.

The cleaner should be more discrete. I would be concerned about them spotting any confidential items and blabbing, I would have words with them as they are a paid employee of yours.

Your reaction is worse than the in laws. To end the celebrations because you didn't get your own way! You could have easily laughed it off and said childcare is in short supply you wanted to get in early. They probably feel disappointed that other people knew before them that aren't family.
You need to grow up if you are saying they won't see your child because of this.

I think the real issue is you wanted to control the announcement by your son coming into the room with his soon to be a big brother t-shirt, and have an excited reaction from your in-laws. You have put much emphasis on having this experience, and feel hurt your in-laws didn't react the way you wished.
Ultimately it's no big deal they already found out, and once the news was out your dh should have been honest with his parents. I would feel hurt if I was them. The best thing would be to explain to them how both the cleaner and child minder knew, and he is sorry for the deception as you both felt it was important to wait until 12 weeks before letting people know.
This situation is entirely caused by you telling the childminder and cleaner who both didn't respect your wishes, and not confirming it with the in-laws at a point when the information was already out there

That's a bit of a stretch. There's no evidence that MIL was gossiping. The childminder and cleaner volunteered this information.

It's only twice I've seen someone this upset at people 'ruining' their announcement.

One woman was angry that she didnt get the exact reaction needed for the video for social media that she wanted. And the other was just a narcissist that always seemed indignant that other humans actually had emotions too.

Dragging your child away from time with their grandparents, for an unnecessary long bath, is not only batshit but was quite possibly upsetting and confusing for your child too. I feel quite sorry for them if you often use them like this, as pawns in your little one star drama.

What else is your cleaner telling them? I wouldn’t have them back.
as for the child minder, I would question why they told them when you specifically asked them not to mention it.

I can see why PiL are upset. That's really upsetting how the found out, can't you see that?
Also, that's nasty and controlling of you to take your son away from them when you were annoyed. You could have taken yourself into another room, no need to drag him away from grandparents.
From what you've wrote, they've done both wrong . But you have.

Why did you thank they'd be surprised.
You already knew that they knew anyway.
They told you before that they knew.

You're being ridiculous. Why didn't you just tell them when you told the childminder. If you were going for all this naff business with a special tshirt and stuff it would have been fine.

I can’t imagine taking someone else’s birthday and then making it about you, while simultaneously being annoyed that the other person always makes it about them.

Op I'm in your side. How did the cleaner end up speaking to mil? Why would they even speak? It is out of order of the cleaner and childminder, I would get rid of both. I'd speak to the inlaws and discuss what happened, that you didn't tell the others first and thats why you were upset that they didn't react which they could have just put on act but then I get if they feel they found out after other people, still they could have put on a front. Think it all needs to be out in the open.

I’m on your side (I’m well used to people who make it all about them) but I do think it foolish to tell a childminder that early (i have learned about gossiping the hard way too)

the cleaner - I wouldn’t give her a reason but I would let her go

the in laws - have a break from them and let dh carefully explain the cleaner was snooping and how unfair that is on you

I don't get it. You already knew they had been told by the childminder so why did you go to the extreme of dressing up your child for a "big reveal"? That's the start of the crazy. Then you compounded it by flouncing off and hiding 😮

I think you are projecting your childhood too much, get counselling for that before you ruin your own children's childhoods. ASAP.

This thread isn’t going the way you expected.

is it any wonder they’re hurt - and when they asked you lied between you.

Off at a tangent but why couldn't you climb on a chair when you were pregnant?

I don't understand why the op had to speak to the childminder, or anyone else at 5 weeks or why her mat stuff was on the table.

Lessons to be learnt all round here. The best was for a secret to circulate is to tell people the secret.