Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Would therapy help, to recover from some of the hurt from your childhood? DBT is amazing for helping learn how to cope with interpersonal relationships.

How claustrophobic:I don't think I could bear to live in a place where everybody gossips about other people's business. Where you can't even vomit in your own house without it being discussed by other people.
If that's the type of place you live in then this whole thing seems totally blown up out of all proportion. You should be able to shrug it off because it's just a natural consequence of living your lives in glass houses.

What a bunch of drama llamas!

Regardless of the backstory I can see how they would have been hurt finding out as they did.

You should have told them before the cleaner/ childminder, why the need to wait?

If you hate them this much then keep away from them instead of creating performative announcements. Just get DH to drop them a line “just to let you know X is pregnant, we’re pleased but very early days.” You can’t have it both ways.

Oh and IMO no one is really that interested in a pregnancy until the baby is here, it’s got you and your partner to be excited, no one else will get it. Focus on your baby and son, not them.

Everyone involved sounds over dramatic and highly strung. Exhausting!

If you didn’t want anyone to know you shouldn’t have told the childminder, and you should have hid all evidence from the cleaner. You are the one that let the cat out of the bag, others aren’t to be trusted, as you’ve learned.

But can’t you see why they’d be upset without an explanation as to why the cleaner and childminder knew first. It’s pretty harsh. Sounds like you don’t really like her. I’d try to harness some empathy. Congratulations btw.

I can understand why they were disappointed hearing it from other people but good grief your reaction is completely ott.

Threatening to go nc because they didn't react the way you expected? Get a grip

As soon as the childminder put her foot in it you should have told them not lied about it

You've handled it far worse than they have

You all sound totally addicted to drama. You didn't intentionally announce your pregnancy but I can see why your inlaws are miffed because other folk knew first. It's the reactions that are totally batshit not the situation.

I live in a small town.

Everyone tells
Everyone everything.

I would not have tried to do a birth announcement after even one person knew because I would be sure it had got around the town already.

You get privacy in cities. It was a hell of a shock when I first moved somewhere small.

It's true that the childminder was at fault but it's crazy to tell a chuldminder when you are only 5 weeks pg and before you've told family. Then your partner lied to his mum rather than admit the faux pas, because of wabted to stage-mamage an "official announcement" despite the information already being public knowledge. It sounds like every single one of you has too much main characters energy to be able to coexist as a family.

Tbh I'd be more cross with the cleaner and the child minder. Totally unprofessional of them .

I can’t believe you’d deprive your kids of a relationship with their grandparents as punishment for not reacting how you want them to. Really controlling on your behalf. A load of drama over nothing. And sulking in the bathroom, again keeping your child away from them on FIL birthday. All really pathetic. I wonder if you’re the sort to weaponise your children.

You’re being a narcissistic manipulator here though.
When your MIL first found out from someone else, why did you deny it? Then deny it again when your cleaner told them? That’s just very weird tbh. Have you sacked your cleaner and told the childminder you wont be needing her anymore seeing as both of them cannot be trusted with maintaining confidentiality?
At what point did you tell your own mum?
Sending in your DS with a t shirt to announce something that was already common knowledge has just made you look stupid.

You just need to let it go and not let it fester tbh. No one acted brilliantly did in this situation.

I totally understand, my MIL put on a big show acting like a child because we didn’t tell her about our first until 12 weeks (totally normal?) and she still goes on about it - he is now 11 - but she is DH’s Mum and my kids Gran, she helps with them and babysits so not worth me taking drastic measures over, think long term here.

What a horrible situation. The child minder and cleaner have been very indiscrete. If your cleaner is telling people your most important news, what else are they saying? I would get rid of them immediately. I'd also have a word with the child minder and tell them you would appreciate them respecting your privacy. Bloody hell, I've no advice about the in laws, they sound like a nightmare. Poor DS.

So much drama. Why didn't you just tell them the truth when they heard from thw child minder (explaining it was early days so you hadn't planned on saying anything yet). What did you expect waltzing in with the t-shirt after lying? So weird and immature.

Personally I would be looking for a new childminder if she was quick to gossip about you when you stated noone knew yet. She ain't going to be the kind to hold open a place if she can get money quicker for giving that place to someone else.

So they found out from the child minder.

Then you lied to them about that, and said it wasn't you.

Then you did this whole song and dance announcement, and expected what, exactly? For them to pretend to be surprised? And not be upset that you lied to them?

To quote a MN classic... Are you on glue?

This is exactly what I was going to write 😁have you all lost the plot ? You have exciting news of a new baby arriving.. what is all this carryon.

This sounds something like a 17 year old would write. Understandable to feel a bit sad the announcement didn't go as planned.... but so what. The childminder could have waited no matter how long the wait is if you didn't want to risk anyone knowing before them. Storming out the room With your son is pathetic. Your poor dh stuck in the middle of this dramatic mess.

Good God, I called my parents and my husband called his parents each time we were expecting. The drama of this situation is ridiculous, from all sides. It was a bit shit of the childminder, but the throwing up as cleaner arrives and ginger biscuits everywhere seems very dramatic 🙄 I wouldn't have someone in the house if I was unwell.

I’d start by sacking the cleaner and finding a new childminder. Make sure they know why.
Then keep MIL at arm’s length- let your DH sort this one and wait for a sincere apology from her.
It’s very short sighted of her to not see why you’d wait until the scan to tell family, but not for people you aren’t close to.

Your PIL are rude, your cleaner is rude and so is your childminder.

Your DH needs to send a follow on message saying that they need to accept that they found out via people who had no right to share the information and who found out either accidentally by being in your own home or because you needed to get ducks in a row early for childcare, and move on or it could cause long term bad feelings which isn't good in a family.

They didnt find out at a childcare arrangement chat or accidentally.
You'd ordered a special t shirt to surprise them with to include your eldest and begin his experience as a big brother which included them too, and they opted out of what could have been a lovely memory by putting their own feelings first, feelings which were coming from a silly place in the first place of who lnows first etc.

I'd probably be very upset if the childminder and cleaner knew weeks before my offspring told me the news, just because they wanted some 'official announcement'. Your anger is misplaced and should be directed at the people who couldn't keep their gobs shut.

It's also crazy that you label MIL as a manipulator and then display that behaviour yourself by withholding your other child from the PIL. Get some help to deal with your childhood problems and your anger issues. You have the makings of becoming a future MIL-from-hell.