Baby announcement gone wrong

[GAZ0188]

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Telling family should be a nice thing not a hierarchical system.

Their reaction was appalling but equally your expectation seemed high..

The childminder and the cleaner are both gossips and not professional.

Putting a foetus down for childcare at five weeks is mental.

Your first scan is at 12 weeks. First appointment is ideally before 10 weeks for appropriate bloods. Just had mine at 8 weeks. 5 weeks is very very early though for NHS, can't see anyone getting an appointment that quick.

Yes, I agree with this.

If your in-laws didn’t feign the right level of surprise at your pregnancy announcement, even though they knew already and you knew that they knew, on your FIL’s birthday, they would be making it all about them and in some form of emotional retaliation you would weaponise the grandchildren and prevent the grandparents from seeing them?

Fucking hell.

With respect, OP, it sounds very much like your pregnancy hormones are causing this overreaction. I wouldn’t be happy the two others had shared my news but I really don’t think you guys did the right thing by lying about it either once asked. I can understand a bit of hurt and disappointment on both sides but for the sake of both your children - let it go, wipe the slate clean. This pregnancy hasn’t been ruined- there’s loads of time remaining to allow everyone to share in the joy. When the baby is born everyone will be excited, no one in their sane mind will STILL be going on about this. Just learn your lesson in terms of neighbourhood gossip and that’s that. Do NOT allow this to ruin your in-laws relationships with their grandchildren - you’d be incredibly in the wrong and who would do that to their kids??

Give it a bit of time, let those hormones calm down and then never bring this up again.

With one of my friends her ex found out before anyone else due to the midwife ringing her old house phone to make her booking in appointment. That was very awkward.

I think you are getting a really hard time on here. I don't think this is about a spoiled announcement. The cleaner and childminder are in the wrong here. And instead of realising that your in laws are taking it out on you, which is actually really unfair, self-indulgent and childish.

I do think that this is all a symptom of not having a good relationship on both sides, though. Because neither of you have put yourselves in the shoes of the other and how each other might be hurt in this scenario...you've both just thought the worst of each other.

I also think the normal reaction when they questioned it early on would have been to just tell them once the cat's out of the bag...that was really odd of your DH.

I think I would just message saying what you've said here re childminder and cleaner and that you'd really wanted it to be a nice surprise and you were caught off guard by their reaction. Not sure how much further to go than that.

I mean this kindly but whatever has gone on in your family is not the fault of your in laws. If at all possible maybe you need to speak to a professional re the issues from your childhood.

This.

Sorry you're upset op but once you tell some people you really should have told the grandparents. That said they should've just shrugged it off. You all need to learn how to deal with things more effectively.

This does all sound a bit implausible. Unless you live in a tiny village, it seems odd that your MIL chats to both your future childminder and your cleaner. It's even more implausible that two grown women would tell your MIL highly personal information about you after you asked them not to!
Did this really happen?

I’d be absolutely devastate if two random people knew my child was having a baby before I did. I’d be furious if I’d been lied to about it as well.

This is your husband’s parents. You owe them an apology. If you weren’t too afraid to speak about it before 12 weeks to a cleaner and childminder (sorry I know childcare places are thin on the ground right now but do you really think you HAD to ask at 5 weeks pregnant?!) you should have told your ILs

Huge overreactions on both sides. I agree that you have every right to be cross that the childminder and the cleaner have been very indiscreet. I can also see that your in-laws have a right to be upset about how they found out. Surely though you had the perfect chance to explain to them what has happened and then you both could be cross at the people who through their gossip have caused this upset. I don't agree with cutting people off. It seems unnecessarily vindictive to me. Your in-laws were upset with some justification. Honestly though, it's happened now and you should all be focusing on the happy news and not how some silly village gossips have ruined the moment for you.

So you're also a manipulator who uses their children as pawns to punish people who don't behave the way you want them to?
Right....

Wouldn't be boasting about that tbh!

Put it down to hormones, dont let this sour your day, pregnancy, life.
It's already yesterday's news.
No-one really gives a hoot about a pregnancy announcement.
(I would look for another cleaner as she cant be trusted , but this is village life, you know that)

I would never subject my DC to contact with anyone who behaves like this - no matter who they are. It was an unfortunate accident on oP’s side - and the grandparents should have enough sense and maturity to go along with the announcement and just be happy. They have basically ruined the announcement.

If OP had told other family or friends first then yes, I can see why PILmight be upset. But that is not what happened here.

What where you expecting them to do?Jump around for joy and say excitedly "oh i can't believe it was really true!! It's so u expected thrilling and exciting"?

Plus I think we should take your retelling of your parents in laws reactions with a pinch of salt. Your MIL's "a total narcissist and manipulator" and "had a face like a smack arse"? That from someone who has blithely relayed that she grapped her son and hide in the bathroom bathing him "fuming" until they left, as if it's normal mature behaviour, just makes me think reality is they just didn't behave like whatever you fantasied they should.

Did you really think they'd believe you weren't pregnant just because you'd denied it and your husband made up a ridiculous lie? Two different people had already told them - they knew. FIL's
"present" wasn't a surprise.

So one person in this story is pregnant throwing up full up with mad hormones growing another human etc:
to you I say this is not the hill to die upon
there will be more comments taken out of context more hurt more disappointment to come -
welcome to pre parent 101.

two people here (in laws) have had secret time to wonder about their response when told of new baby.

Make a point ? Act bored of it all ?
or
Pretend to be surprised? ask about mum ?

to those humans I say grow up ! This was not the time to make a point . Learn to hold back on ‘you’ as there will be more situations coming down the line
welcome to pre grandparenting 101

Honestly, this take astounds me. I think OP and her partner behaved badly and OP immaturely. Some people live for drama and have exceptionally long toes! Seemingly desperate to drop family members like a hot potato the minute something doesn’t go their way.

Why on earth did your DH lie when his mum was told you were pregnant? If you were booking a childcare space at that stage why wouldn't he just admit it. Your PIL would have gotten over the childminder knowing first as the circumstances of it make sense, but to be told its not true then have the flipping cleaner confirm their son lied and that yet another 'stranger' knows about the pregnancy before they are told would be v hurtful. I don't understand how you thought this was going to play out as a present for Fils birthday at tbh

Oh the irony....

For Gods sake, they could just have said we already know - we’re so pleased for you etc Instead they kicked off. Not good - and yes, I would have taken my Dc upstairs and left DH to deal with them if mine had done this.

She made her FIL’s birthday all about her! I know people are allowed birthdays on here over 18, but some people actually enjoy them. She could have picked any other day to do this.

The cleaner wasn’t snooping apparently, as the maternity documents were spread over the table (no idea what maternity documents you can get at 5wks).

Agreed.

It's a shame that your announcement didn't go as planned, and that must have hurt. And I can understand why they were hurt not to have been told first. I think you all over-reacted, but that happens.

But this is the fault of the childminder and cleaner - they were both unprofessional. Did they know that it was still supposed to be secret?

I hope that explaining the situation to your in-laws will calm things down. Please don't cut them off over what is in the long-run a fairly trivial thing. It would have long-term consequences and harm your children.

Behaves like what?? They didn’t actually do anything. The argument from OP is they weren’t excited enough or asking about how she was but she also says she immediately drags her child to the bathroom to hide from them for the rest of the evening until they felt so awkward they left.

Talking about someone else’s maturity while throwing a tantrum over a fake announcement is crazy.

Why did you put the announcement T shirt on your boy when you knew that they'd already found out?

She didn't say she had maternity documents at 5 weeks did she?