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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby announcement gone wrong

458 replies

GAZ0188 · 18/01/2025 07:35

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
LondonLawyer · 18/01/2025 13:57

You all sound (with the exception of your child) utterly exhausting and tiresome. The whole buying a t-shirt and making a "big announcement" as a birthday present is overdone, the trying to book a childminder at 5 weeks pregnant, your DH lying to his Mum once the cat was out of the bag, hiding in the bathroom....

With both of mine I rang my parents and told them I was pregnant as soon as DH and I knew, but there were no brass bands, dancing girls or performing monkeys.

Macaroni46 · 18/01/2025 14:06

brebrev · 18/01/2025 12:02

How lucky you all are to get to share in the joy of a new pregnancy.

And how depressing to make it about this. You all need to get some perspective.

Hear hear!

12345mummy · 18/01/2025 14:07

I’d be very annoyed with the cleaner. Let your PILs stew on it but don’t upset yourself further or stoop to their levels.
Congratulations OP - I hope you’ve told some other people in your life and have had great reactions xx

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 18/01/2025 14:08

You really didn’t need to put in such a big performance for a second child. I don’t see the point of doing it for a first either to be honest. I think we are being conditioned to all perform our lives like social media influencers.

Who made the t-shirt? Some kid in a factory in Bangladesh? How many times is your kid going to wear that t-shirt? It’s all so wasteful.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 18/01/2025 14:09

LondonLawyer · 18/01/2025 13:57

You all sound (with the exception of your child) utterly exhausting and tiresome. The whole buying a t-shirt and making a "big announcement" as a birthday present is overdone, the trying to book a childminder at 5 weeks pregnant, your DH lying to his Mum once the cat was out of the bag, hiding in the bathroom....

With both of mine I rang my parents and told them I was pregnant as soon as DH and I knew, but there were no brass bands, dancing girls or performing monkeys.

In Oxford you would need to be booking childcare as soon as you got the pregnancy result back. I agree with you about the rest.

Gowlett · 18/01/2025 14:10

I would have told them as soon as he childminder / cleaner knew. What’s the big deal? And I wouldn’t have done the t-shirt…

2025willbemytime · 18/01/2025 14:18

You feeling pushed aside when a new baby came along and thinking this will happen with yours makes no sense. If you're going on your in-laws showing no interest surely it's the baby who will be ignored for the sake of the first?

Asking the child minder "quietly" at five weeks to hold a place is bonkers and you should have said you didn't want her to tell anyone, say with the cleaner.

Honestly, pick your battles. This is all so silly.

AnxiousRose · 18/01/2025 14:32

When your in-laws said they heard you were pregnant you should have said ' yes, only 5 weeks. We were planning to tell you soon, only told childminder to secure a place...

I can see why they were upset about you lying to them.

Sounds like you wanted a big dramatic reveal and reaction.

Focus on how lucky you are to have your child and another pregnancy.

I8toys · 18/01/2025 14:43

All this performative drama. I miss the good old days when you'd just say oh I'm pregnant again - due xxx. No idea of the sex of the baby. Just wait and be happy.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/01/2025 14:48

It’s up to OP who she tells and when she tells them. Of course it is. But it's perfectly reasonable to be hurt when your son and his partner feel it is not important to tell you, and have lied to you.

Horses7 · 18/01/2025 14:48

You should have made clear to childminder and cleaner that they should keep your baby news quiet. I can understand your inlaws being a bit put out that relative strangers told them what is delightful news for grandparents.
There’s only one ‘poor me’ in this and it’s not any of them. You are overreacting and should offer an olive branch to inlaws - put yourself in their shoes in 25 years or so.

Oldglasses · 18/01/2025 15:16

Sounds like you all need some perspective here!

Margorett · 18/01/2025 15:18

What a complete over reaction on your part ! Why go through the t shirt on child business when you knew they already knew, what a charade, no wonder they were annoyed, you were treating them like fools. I suggest you apologise and clear this before this all blows out of proportion.

jacks11 · 18/01/2025 15:59

I think everyone was unreasonable.

OP had a right to think that her cleaner would not go around telling other people information which she had discovered whilst doing her job. Whether the cleaner thought her PIL knew is irrelevant, she shouldn’t have been discussing her clients personal information. It’s less clear whether she asked the childminder not to tell anyone, but equally as it was information given to her in a professional capacity, I can see why apP would have expected her not to go around discussing it with anyone else. I agree once it Became obvious PIL knew, I probably would have just let them know. I can see why you might not want to, as many want to wait just in case.

PIL were rude- they didn’t have to pretend to be surprised but they really ought to have offered congratulations and asked how things were. To grill OP about not being told first was rude and unnecessary. They are being a big daft, given that they were weren’t deliberately pushed out in favour of the cleaner and childminder. It sounds like they are not being very fair or nice.

OP was within her rights to be annoyed at their behaviour, but has over-reacted by refusing to see them and talk of cutting them out.

I think everyone could have done better in this situation.

MarSeaLane · 18/01/2025 16:29

heroinechic · 18/01/2025 11:01

@MereDintofPandiculation "I think OP and her partner have treated MIL atrociously. Firstly in putting the baby's grandparents well down the list of those to be told (we're not talking a few days, we're talking weeks)"

They only told the childminder. The cleaner found out. It's normal to tell professionals before your own family. I didn't tell my family until 12 weeks but the local GP receptionists knew, the GP, the local pharmacist, the midwife etc. At no point did my mother complain that she was down a list of other people.

But did GP’s receptionist, GP and local pharmacist discuss your pregnancy with your DM before you had told her you were pregnant?

heroinechic · 18/01/2025 16:38

@MarSeaLane no thankfully, but if they had, it wouldn't have been fair for DM to be cross with me about it, so much so, that she can't even muster a congratulations.

IMO it isn't my MIL or DM's business who I decide to tell before them. My DH told the local newsagent about our first pregnancy weeks before we told anyone else. Thankfully we live in a city now so it wasn't an issue!

2025willbemytime · 18/01/2025 16:41

Re documents at five weeks, five weeks was when she told the CM, the documents were weeks later.

jacks11 · 18/01/2025 16:54

Horses7 · 18/01/2025 14:48

You should have made clear to childminder and cleaner that they should keep your baby news quiet. I can understand your inlaws being a bit put out that relative strangers told them what is delightful news for grandparents.
There’s only one ‘poor me’ in this and it’s not any of them. You are overreacting and should offer an olive branch to inlaws - put yourself in their shoes in 25 years or so.

Whilst I think OP has over-reacted, i disagree that it is all OO’s fault. I also think her PIL have been unreasonable too. As were the cleaner and childminder.

OP’s cleaner absolutely should not be gossiping about her clients, especially as it would have been clear that she was not voluntarily told about OP’s pregnancy as she found out accidentally. The childminder also should not have spoken to anyone, although less clear whether she was specifically told not to.

OP’s parents might have been disappointed to find out via others but that wasn’t OP’s fault and their hurt was misplaced. OP and her DH probably would have been better not have lied about it once it was clear PIL knew, but perhaps OP/DH genuinely wanted to keep it from everyone until the 12 week mark (their right) and they (wrongly) thought it could still be a nice surprise later on. They have all over-reacted. PIL included. I mean, even if you were hurt they didn’t confirm the pregnancy when they were told by the childminder, you’d think they would still offer some sort of congratulations?

I would not have flounced off the way OP did, but the PIL weren’t on good behaviour either. I would perhaps explain the situation but I wouldn’t be offering a grovelling apology.

LEWWW · 18/01/2025 17:09

I’d find a new cleaner for a start, massive invasion of privacy and then felt the need to gossip. Childminder needs to be told that nothing gets passed on about you or child to anyone again.

PILs were probably hurt tbf. Although they definitely should have plastered a smile on there face in that moment I think your angry at the wrong people.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/01/2025 17:15

I mean, even if you were hurt they didn’t confirm the pregnancy when they were told by the childminder, It wasn't that they didn't confirm the pregnancy, DH said the CM was mistaken, it was someone else with the same name. Denial is a clear lie.

Technonan · 18/01/2025 17:39

You lied to them. That would piss me off, but to be honest, why is it such a big deal on either side? What happens in the future is far more important for your family. Are you all going to be taking umbrage all the time, or are you going to demonstrate to your kids that a bit of give and take makes everyone's life easier?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 18/01/2025 18:14

You should sack the childminder and cleaner to be honest, or at least have a strong word with them that their behaviour has been way off.

You all sound very drama llama and I don’t get why, once the cat was accidentally out of the bag at 5 weeks, your DH didn’t just say “oh sorry, it’s very early days so we were going to tell you, but yes we are”. Why the big birthday announcement when you knew they probably had an inkling anyway?! You don’t have to wait until the 12 week scan with very close relatively surely. We told our parents as soon as we found out.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/01/2025 18:43

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 18/01/2025 14:08

You really didn’t need to put in such a big performance for a second child. I don’t see the point of doing it for a first either to be honest. I think we are being conditioned to all perform our lives like social media influencers.

Who made the t-shirt? Some kid in a factory in Bangladesh? How many times is your kid going to wear that t-shirt? It’s all so wasteful.

Quite! Just more over the top American stuff.

25 years from now......
New thread,

OP: My mum denied me a relationship with my grandparents because my they found out from the childminder that my mum was pregnant.
They were upset to hear it from gossip and didn't react the right way when my mum did the reveal.
Should I cut her off................................. for a very long time?

Marcosjob · 18/01/2025 19:02

I don’t know why OP is being ‘attacked’ she’s perfectly within her rights to keep her baby quiet until she’s ready. The childminder and cleaner had no right to tell anyone so I’d be sacking both. Ignore the PIL they’ll get over it. I can understand you feeling disappointed but it will blow over, enjoy your pregnancy with your family.

arecklessmanor · 18/01/2025 19:10

If the childminder was asked not to tell people, and did, then don’t use her - who knows what issues your child may encounter in the future and you won’t be able to trust her to keep your confidence.

If the cleaner told anyone I would sack her on the spot.

I did not tell family I was pregnant until after the anomaly scan.

I would not make a t-shirt and all that palaver, it is not my style but I know plenty of people would (the amount of gender reveal tat for sale in Baby Bond and similar places is testament to that).