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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby announcement gone wrong

458 replies

GAZ0188 · 18/01/2025 07:35

We have just had our 1st scan and told the inlaws last night. To say this was a disaster, was an understatement.

We live in a very small town where childcare places with child minders are few and far between. At 5 weeks approx. I asked a child minder at a baby group (very quietly, explained no one knew) if I could have a space in which she agreed. 2 days later she seen MIL at another group and said how nice it was she was going to be a granny again (fuming was an understatement) anyway, partner shrugged it off, said it was someone else in town with the same name.

My cleaner came in a few weeks ago and found me over the toilet, spewing my load, and my ginger nuts and maternity documents on the table that I hadn't had time to move. Also doesn't take a genius to work this out.

Yesterday we got home, told them we had a present for FILs bday and put a t-shirt on our little boy announcing is. He walked into the livingroom and we got absolutely no reaction whatsoever. All we got was "well we already knew as the chuldminder and cleaner told us" from the MIL, all whilst she was sitting on my sofa, with a face like a smacked a...e... looking like she'd just stopped crying before walking into my house. To say I was fuming, was an understatement. Instead of "how have you been keeping" i got a full on interigation of how both the child minder and cleaner knew and then they proceeded to tell us how sad they were that they weren't the first to know and they thought more of us basically.

I grabbed my son, went to the bathroom and run him a bath and bathed him in there until they left. I could not bare to look at them. When they left, my partner messaged them explaining how they both knew and saying thanks for asking how she was. They've looked but still no reply.

Iv woke up this morning and I am STILL fuming. What is meant to be a happy moment has been taken away by their "poor me" reaction and now I never want to see their faces again for a very long time. Growing up in my family, I was pushed aside by my own mother and got completely rejected when my sister came along and this was my biggest fear of this happening with a 2nd child and now this has completely conveyed my fears of this happening again, albeit it won't be by its parents this time..

I have no idea how to navigate from this. I feel like cutting them off for a long time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
SallyWD · 18/01/2025 08:09

There's a lot of fuming going on here!! I think their reaction wasn't very nice but your anger is completely over the top.
When they asked how the child minder and cleaner knew first, I'd have laughed and said "Well, we needed to secure a childcare place early and the cleaner caught me puking. We didn't want to tell you until we had the 12 week scan and knew everything was OK. That's pretty normal, isn't it? Can't believe the cleaner is such a gossip!".
This would have diffused the situation and provided an explanation. If they were still annoyed after that then quite frankly it's their problem, and they're unreasonable.
Instead, you stormed off and hid away until they left. I don't understand why.

Adamante · 18/01/2025 08:10

You all sound like you absolutely love a bit of drama and I have no doubt that this bad feeling will continue for years to come and completely overshadow your new baby and other young child’s early years. The best thing to do is grey rock the entire situation till everyone calms down but you won’t because you kind of enjoy feeling hard done to and moaning about your in laws.

HollyKnight · 18/01/2025 08:11

They already knew though. You knew they already knew. How was your partner lying to them supposed to help? I don't think your in-laws were wrong not to pretend this was unexpected news. MIL shouldn't have grilled you there and then about why the childminder and cleaner were told first, but I think it is understandable to be upset that these people were the ones to tell them, and that their son tried to gaslight and bold-face lie to them.

Your plan for a big announcement was ruined the moment the childminder blabbed. You trying to direct that disappointment onto your MIL in particular just shows that you don't like her.

reichs79 · 18/01/2025 08:11

Jeez chill out. The childminder is at fault (and you're mad to try and book a child minder so early!) and the cleaner. I think I'd be hurt if I was your in laws too, finding out like then being lied too. Going off in a strop to bath your dc was a childish move.

Hwi · 18/01/2025 08:11

Me, me, me and me again.

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/01/2025 08:12

Yourfootisinmysirachamayo · 18/01/2025 07:38

You are all massively OTT.

This.

beAsensible1 · 18/01/2025 08:13

The only bizarre thing is lying when the childminder mentioned it you them. Which was then confirmed by the cleaner.

you told them it was someone with the same name but you live in such a small
town that the child minder and cleaner know your PIL that is bonkers and would’ve just looked as if you were cutting them out.

stop projecting your childhood traumas onto baby they’re not being cut out by you or their grandparents. It will all
blow over. Give it a couple of days and get your Dh to have a chat. It’s of no benefit to anyone to make a mountain out of this molehill.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/01/2025 08:13

Did u not specifically TELL the child minder and the cleaner not to tell anybody? That's the main issue here. If you've expressly said not to tell anyone and they did anyway then that's extremely unprofessional.

PlumpUpTheJam · 18/01/2025 08:13

Doing a big announcement with props was silly when you knew that they had already been told by the childminder.

And to be 'fuming' when you knew they knew is madness. They didn't believe your husband's highly sophisticated 'it's the other Susan that's pregnant' line.

Tcsha · 18/01/2025 08:13

This is bonkers. Want ‘maternity documents’ do you have at 5wks?! Why are the ginger biscuits everywhere? Who asks a childminder at 5wks when you barely know you’re pregnant?

Then you make a big deal about you on someone else’s birthday? I don’t think the MIL is the narcissist here.

theleafandnotthetree · 18/01/2025 08:14

Such fuss about nothing, you had me rolling my eyes at 'announcement'. You have a child, you're about to have another one. Just like billions of women before you, just like billions of women after you. It's not that deep, as my teenager says. It's not the second coming, as I say. You ALL sound unreasonable and overdramatic but sad to say, you most of all OP.

Workhardcryharder · 18/01/2025 08:15

GAZ0188 · 18/01/2025 07:47

Absolutely. MIL is a total narcissist and manipulator

Says the one who sulked in the bathroom because she didn’t get to surprise people with her pregnancy..?

Nonaynevernomore · 18/01/2025 08:15

GAZ0188 · 18/01/2025 07:47

Absolutely. MIL is a total narcissist and manipulator

And you are very similar!

Has your DH agreed that they won’t see the children?

it all sounds very drama!

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 18/01/2025 08:15

I’m surprised you’re old enough to be having your second child. You’re behaving like a twelve year old.

KabukiNoh · 18/01/2025 08:15

I think your childhood has likely significantly impacted your emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships. Agree with PP about looking into DBT therapy. Congratulations on your baby!

Waffle19 · 18/01/2025 08:15

Wow YABVU, you want to cut off your kids’ grandparents because through no fault of their own they already knew you were pregnant and then were honest about it when you told them?!

BarbaraHoward · 18/01/2025 08:15

So much drama.

Fully understand why your PIL are upset about not being told before the cleaner and a potential childminder (although I understand how it happened), it must have been quite embarrassing for them as well as upsetting. Lying to PIL after they asked you was ridiculous and will only have made them feel worse.

You've hugely overreacted to their feelings (which yes, they probably should've covered up a bit for the sake of family harmony), and used your son as a tool of manipulation. Be careful you don't do that again.

Novaavon · 18/01/2025 08:15

I'd have sacked my cleaner and I'd be pissed off with the childminder. I can't believe the way you're all behaving.

Nameynameynamename · 18/01/2025 08:16

Wouldn't it have been easier to just come clean and tell her when she first found out? Why did you feel the need to cover it up?

JackJarvisEsq · 18/01/2025 08:16

You are all batshit crazy

i I feel sorry for this woman in your very small town with the same name as you

ScaryM0nster · 18/01/2025 08:17

You decided to tell others first.

You knew that had got back to in laws.

You then decided to try and lie to them about it.

You then thought it was a good idea to try and do an exciting ‘announcement’ on something that they knew and knew you’d tried to lie about.

It’s not a massive surprise it fell flat. It’s a tangle that wasn’t going to go well when people started blabbing confidences and lying.

I hope you can regain trust with the childminder or find a suitable replacement.

scotstars · 18/01/2025 08:17

The only people you should be annoyed with are your childminder and cleaner. I would make a point of saying to both of them you don't expect professionals to gossip about you to family.
Doing the reveal when you know they knew wasn't sensible. Their reaction was over the top and so was your response of hiding and threatening to cut them off. You all need to calm down and behave like adults.

ClockingOffers · 18/01/2025 08:17

What a bunch of drama llamas…if any of it is true? 🙄

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 18/01/2025 08:19

Ooo OP I’m sorry the announcement didn’t go as planned - early pregnancy (with a small child) can’t be easy and hormones wreak havoc.

My thoughts

  • Cleaner and childminder have behaved inappropriately and I would be having words with them
  • I think PIL have been v ungracious - even if they were upset which really they have no right to be as you can announce your pregnancy whenever you like to whoever you like - 12 weeks is standard after 1st scan anyway - that was a weird way to behave - they could have been happy in the moment and not made it about them
  • Your reaction to your PIL also is quite extreme - what I understand you’re upset and probably hormonal - I think there is little to suggest that their behaviour means that your unborn child is going to treated differently by them than your current child and suggesting you don’t want to see them for a long time over something so trivial is also extreme however I have also experienced pregnancy rage so I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

I would suggest have some space from the situation, breathe and then get your partner to explain that you’re upset with how they reacted but would like to draw a line underneath it and move on. As a PP has stated being healthy with a healthy pregnancy is not a guarantee so that should be celebrated above all else and I would be keeping stress levels low now as much as possible

Laddertothesky · 18/01/2025 08:19

Genuinely think you’re getting a hard time here. If you had a professional conversation with the childminder then she really should not be discussing that conversation with anyone else.

If you expressively said it was a secret more so. Work in a hospital and I don’t even mention to my friends partners if I see them in work.

Same with the cleaner. Their code of conduct will be less professionally unless you have hired them through a company. I would not have her back in my home again.

Also I have experienced family continuously spoiling family events. Always making it about them always in your ML tears. I watched my friends have all these events with no drama but not us.It is exhausting I now dread any family event or news.

We are not NC because unbelievabley we operate ok on a day to day basis it’s just events that cause the issue. I have my theory why.

Going forward we leant our lessons and have become good at minimising the issue. it’s not for everyone and times on here I think we do do too much to appease but it currently works for us.

Congratulations on your news x