Page 5 | My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

Newduvetcovervibes · 17/01/2025 07:54

OK I don't normally get compelled to comment but I totally remember what it is like being a new parent, people telling me what im meant to do etc, but you sound like an adult with their head screwed on, you run your own business, and very rightfully unsettled by some inappropriate comments. One comment on their own might be dismissed as odd humour and banter but if this is a collection of them, a theme, then please please consider, if she's saying these thing l things to you, what kind of things is she saying to your child when she's alone?

As baby gets more understanding of things, she's absorbing all that - and this whole thread of reactions is telling you that you're not being oversensitive, his family are biased and blinded to what's ok/normal.

I hope you can get your dh to either read this thread or get on board with how it's not ok to talk like that constantly, and it sounds even more unhealthy that the whole family is treading on eggsgells to avoid fallout from this cousin if she doesn't get her way. Good luck - not sure if an abrupt end is best or gradually weaning her away from your baby tho

Sassybooklover · 17/01/2025 07:54

It sounds as if you have put a solution in place. Hopefully if her behaviour is just a blip, her not seeing your daughter regularly will stop her. However, if she does indeed have some form of mental disorder, taking her contact away from your daughter, could intensify her behaviour. So you need to monitor the situation closely. Her Mum is burying her head in the sand, the comments aren't normal, and come across as unhinged. To make the comments in the first place, means she has a serious lack of self-awareness and what's appropriate behaviour. I agree with another comment, definite 'Hand that Rocks the Cradle' vibes, that is creepy and unnerving.

Fruhstuck · 17/01/2025 07:55

BeRealWithYourself · 17/01/2025 00:55

Hi, I’ll be straight up. Please, don’t feel obliged that you must keep contact with this woman. You just maintain the relationship with you and your child and not allow another person who’s not the child’s parent to ever get in the way. Never allow another person to try and imprint the motherly instinct on your child. Tbh if it were me in your position. I’d cut contact, I wouldn’t even let her around my house, avoid his side of the family functions etc… and if she ever turns up. Don’t answer the door and tell her you’ve got flu and in the future make it well known that you’re keeping yourself to yourself. Your busy. You’ve got plans with people she doesn’t know. You’ll be in touch as and when you feel it’s necessary. Please Read up the stories about limiting people around your babies. You are not, what so ever, obliged to
let anyone hold, touch, kiss or even be around your baby. That emotional bond needs to be maintained between you and your partner. You only get this time once. You don’t get to do it all over again. Cut all contact and make it well aware to her that her actions and comments are bang out of order. If she comes knocking etc… ring the police for harassment. That’s how weird she’s being from what I’ve read. I’d definitely, definitively not want a sick weirdo like that around my child. Hope you get it resolved and do the right thing, what’s best for you and your family. I wish you the best of luck. Kind Regards.

Show quote history

Completely over the top.

noworklifebalance · 17/01/2025 07:59

PickledElectricity · 17/01/2025 01:07

God my blood ran cold at "when you die she will be my baby" what an unhinged thing to say to a person! That's seriously disturbing, 19 is plenty old enough to know better.

I agree with PPs you need to start making you own plans and start limiting the time she spends with your child. It might be uncomfortable having less free time and childcare but that's the payoff isn't it?

WRT the godparent thing, pick a close friend and stick to your guns before she offs you because she thinks she'll get custody as the "godmother".

Are you and your partner from the same culture/background?

Agree. Your cousin’s feelings sound like they have deepened and strengthened over time, enabled by family members. As a mother, you would do anything for your child and if she is starting to feel like your daughter’s mother then I would be very concerned about where you fit into the picture.
I don’t think drawing attention or batting away her comments as daft will help. It may make things worse and make her more determined, possibly enlisting family members to support her and go against you. Withdraw from her slowly but decisively without making it about her but about your baby, partner and you and your family time.
Perhaps I have watched too many dramas but there is a whole parade of red flags marching round my head.

3luckystars · 17/01/2025 08:00

You don’t need to make a big announcement but you need to back away NOW from her and his family. Never ever ever let her look after the baby again. Not for one second.

You need to trust your instincts on this. Don’t let them talk you around. You are over riding your safety signals. Good luck.

NameChangedOfc · 17/01/2025 08:01

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 17/01/2025 00:32

OP, you need to set boundaries with her & sort out other care arrangements. It is unhealthy the way she is talking about Your little one and frankly a little concerning. Start keeping her at arms distance & from now on pull her up on her weird comments. If she is creating drama over others spending time with your little one now then it will only get worse. Please protect your little one from such an unhealthy attachment.

This 🙏

Viviennemary · 17/01/2025 08:03

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:20

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

That is too creepy. She has overstepped the line. Reduce contact. Not normal or acceptable IMHO.

Original poster

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unfortunately I am not making this up, this is very much my reality atm

OP posts:

PigInAHouse · 17/01/2025 08:09

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 08:07

Unfortunately I am not making this up, this is very much my reality atm

Show quote history

Why are you asking her to provide childcare?

Ineedanewsofa · 17/01/2025 08:10

@Mummyme12345 something similar happened to an old friend, someone who was very involved in the child’s care started to say concerning things, escalated to claiming she was the real parent.
It turned out to be the start of a very serious mental health episode for the former carer, so please trust your instincts on this one

Walkaround · 17/01/2025 08:12

Have you asked her how she would react if she had a baby in the future and you said those things to her, and refused to let anyone else in the family look after her baby? She might recognise how unhinged she is being if she gains a bit of empathy, apparently for the first time in her life?

StScholastica · 17/01/2025 08:16

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:39

@Joyfulspringflowers I try to stop the comments but then I’m told I’m being silly and that it’s my hormones playing tricks on me.

Ok this is gaslighting you.
You deal with it by pointing it out to whichever prick is blaming your hormones.
Listen to your gut OP.
If the relationship with this cousin doesn't feel right then you need to sort out alternative care arrangements. You are the Mum here.
Find your confidence and step up.

MrsMitford3 · 17/01/2025 08:20

@Mummyme12345 how old is the cousin?

Nonaynevernomore · 17/01/2025 08:22

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 08:07

Unfortunately I am not making this up, this is very much my reality atm

Show quote history

Yet you still feel happy to leave your child whilst you have a break with friends?

What”s your priority here?

StScholastica · 17/01/2025 08:23

"she has my LO quite a bit when I'm at work or have breaks to see friends".

How often are we talking here? If she is looking after your DC 5 days a week and weekends then she probably does feel like the mother.

Find a nursery for when you are at work and take your baby with you to see friends or get your partner to look after your DC.

Ohnobackagain · 17/01/2025 08:27

Glad you have found a solution @Mummyme12345 but giving up your job (unless you wanted to anyway) is a bit of a shame. I would have suggested ignoring most of her comments, reducing the amount of times you let her babysit etc and letting others do it where possible, but definitely bluntly saying something like “that’s not ok” when she oversteps. As for others saying you’re sensitive - some of those will KNOW you are right and just feel awkward that you pulled her/them up. Others will not. Your DH needs to step up and respond too “what, you wish you were my baby’s Mum instead of mummyme? Wow, what a terrible thing to say”

Yourethebeerthief · 17/01/2025 08:34

I quite simply wouldn't leave my child with her anymore. This would not be a difficult decision for me.

Bonjovispyjamas · 17/01/2025 08:39

She wouldn't be going anywhere near my baby (if I had one) Stop using her as childcare.

Roselilly36 · 17/01/2025 08:42

She is your baby, no one else’s. Cousin is overstepping completely. I would stop the childcare, and wouldn’t care less what the family said about it, if they can’t see with their own eyes and or listen to your concerns. Always trust your gut.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 17/01/2025 08:43

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 01:07

Yes I work full time, I’m the bread winner so to speak in out of myself and my partner so I went back to work about 4 months PP, I run my own business and could see it failing in front of my eyes. My DH also works full time so our LO is either in nursery or with family. I work mostly in the evening so she would usually have her after work when the nursery is closed.

I have just had a discussion with my DH and decided to take 9 months out to spend it with my LO and he will take over most of the business, with a little help and guidance from me, this will then relive strain on me feeling like I need to accept the unwanted help to provide for my family!

this post and responses have helped me so much already!! So thank you

Show quote history

Why don't you and your partner not just sort out proper professional , paid for child care?
There's no need for you to give up work.

Ceramiq · 17/01/2025 08:46

It sounds as if the cousin has bonded with this baby ie has had a strong maternal hormonal rush. This is really unfortunate and I think the only sensible course of action is to cut all contact so that the cousin's hormones have a chance to settle down. Even tiny bits of contact will allow those hormones to linger.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 17/01/2025 08:46

MrsMitford3 · 17/01/2025 08:20

@Mummyme12345 how old is the cousin?

19 apparently and being used for work childcare cover.

DoubleMM · 17/01/2025 08:48

As a young relative i think she deserves consideration in her own right . Why not address the issue directly but compassionately with her - maybe take her for coffee and explain that although you and your husband are very touched by how much she seems to love your baby you are worried by what seems like excessive feeling. Ask her what she thinks is going on for her? Maybe you could suggest that she seems worried that she will never be able to have this for herself. Ask if you can help. You as a successful mother and wife are maybe more important to her than you realise. She msybr wants to be you - you dont need to feel personally threatened. So I don’t think that advice to cut her out, tell her she’s hurtful or maybe crazy is very helpful ir sensible. You do have to think about her feelings and family relationships as a whole. You can offer her an opportunity to talk about her feelings . Sometimes that is sll it needs for people to gain a bit of insight into their motivations

Ceramiq · 17/01/2025 08:50

DoubleMM · 17/01/2025 08:48

As a young relative i think she deserves consideration in her own right . Why not address the issue directly but compassionately with her - maybe take her for coffee and explain that although you and your husband are very touched by how much she seems to love your baby you are worried by what seems like excessive feeling. Ask her what she thinks is going on for her? Maybe you could suggest that she seems worried that she will never be able to have this for herself. Ask if you can help. You as a successful mother and wife are maybe more important to her than you realise. She msybr wants to be you - you dont need to feel personally threatened. So I don’t think that advice to cut her out, tell her she’s hurtful or maybe crazy is very helpful ir sensible. You do have to think about her feelings and family relationships as a whole. You can offer her an opportunity to talk about her feelings . Sometimes that is sll it needs for people to gain a bit of insight into their motivations

I think you are intellectualising something which is far more animal than cerebral.

MaryWhitehouseExperienced · 17/01/2025 08:52

It is rather odd. She is officially an adult, but she is still so very young. it seems strange that she would even be thinking about having a child herself. Have you spoken to her parents at all? I wonder why the rest of the family don't take this as seriously as you do. Do they know her better and understand that no real harm was meant? I think mums have a super-protective and understandable vigilance built in once they have a baby. I also know that young people can sometimes say some very strange things so I'm not sure what to make of this situation.