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Original poster

My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

364 replies

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:20

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 17/01/2025 07:04

She's giving The Hand That Rocks The Cradle vibes

godmum56 · 17/01/2025 07:07

user1492757084 · 17/01/2025 04:19

She's not a stranger so I doubt anything bad will happen.
However, don't allow your daughter to stay there over night, always pay her, thank her and call her a great babysitter.

Limit the times she babysits to a sensible no. of times per month and don't take advantage of her offers.
Suggest her as a babysitter to another of your friends.
Label her a babysitter and expect that she will act like one.

Don't inform her when you ask other family members to look after DD. Keep that private.

She adores your child. Does your DD enjoy spending time with her? If so, it's a plus plus.

The godmother should be someone of your choice but it wouldn't hurt for your DD to have two, or a couple as Godparents and her older adoring cousin..

Edited

not good enough. Check out the stats on child abuse by family members.

Hwi · 17/01/2025 07:11

This is similar to my now ex-SIL situation with her own aunt - older maiden aunt behaved like her mum. (Probably thought she was her mum). The family said nothing because she doted on her, took her for long holidays, educated her about painting and art. Incidentally, when she died, her Paris flat (albeit very small) was bequeathed to her.

battairzeedurgzome · 17/01/2025 07:13

Why are you using this person for child care?

Twaddlepip · 17/01/2025 07:14

Glad you’ve got a plan in place. She is off her rocker.

You H’s whole family sound like a right bunch of twats too.

hibeat · 17/01/2025 07:15

Take care of your own business. You have someone from the same family taking care of a child and see what has happened? Your husband does not see the pb with this mindset, and now you want him to take care of your business. Handle your child and your business. To me, this girl seems to make passes at your husband with her remarks, so check it out. She is unhinged. I would be very sceptical about a husband finding it jockey to talk about his wife being dead. "Cousin" does not fly, there is no pass for that. Aka I have no humour, none whatsoever when it comes toy kid or me being wished dead in general.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 17/01/2025 07:15

It sounds like you’ve got a good plan, in the meantime could you try the technique where you repeat the remarks back to her? So she says something, you look at her and say calmly ‘baby will be yours when I die?’ And then say nothing, leave it hanging in the air for her to hear how ridiculous a comment it is.

Channellingsophistication · 17/01/2025 07:16

I’m glad you will take time out to look after your baby. I wouldnt let this girl look after your baby ever again- really worrying behaviour.

Wonderi · 17/01/2025 07:17

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:32

@Slinkyminky22 When questioned about this by her about why she can’t be alone with baby what do I say? My OH family are like a pack of wolves… as soon as I make my feelings known I’m being silly and the whole family turns on me

Edited

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

You say she has her quite a lot but also say she can’t be left alone with the baby/you don’t want her to be.

She could be innocent and just a little intense but if you are so uncomfortable that you wouldn’t want her alone with the baby, then stop getting her to babysit!

When you see friends, arrange it for when DH is home.

It doesn’t even need to be a conversation as to why she’s not doing it etc if you just arrange it for when he’s home, then there’s not reason to ask her to babysit.

If you and DH both work FT then you need proper childcare.
If DH earns a lot less than you, then it may be worth him dropping a few hours and being able to do more parenting.

There will come a time when she isn’t able to look after her so much anyway and so you need to find alternative childcare anyway.

This is a very easy solution.

User860131 · 17/01/2025 07:18

She isn't right in the head and the first thing you need to do is stop her babysitting your child or having any unsupervised contact. If this really is making you as uncomfortable as you say then you should have done this already. You can't have it both ways. Cousin isn't safe to breathe the same air as your dd never mind babysit. You need to take the hit and do the responsible thing. Many people don't have anyone reliable to babysit their child. It's part of being a parent. You have to suck it up and look after your own child not put them in an unsafe and uncomfortable situation

hibeat · 17/01/2025 07:20

You both full time? You need proper childcare. Also the child is one so when it was little you needed childcare and now that it is big he stays home with mummy? This does not make sense.

Itsallgonesideways · 17/01/2025 07:21

battairzeedurgzome · 17/01/2025 07:13

Why are you using this person for child care?

Exactly and if your dh works during the day then he should care for his own child in the evening. Or has the cousin noticed two parents obsessed with their own lives & not prioritising their baby so has stepped into the breach? You're not answering why your dh isn't caring for the baby in the evenings unless he works as well.

You can't have it both ways, either your dh steps in and parents his own child or pay for a night nanny. Stop using an immature family member as unpaid childcare & then moan about her when she gets too close.

hibeat · 17/01/2025 07:23

Was the cousin paid? People have a way to pay themselves anyhow. You wrote partner, are you married ? All the more reason to take care of your business if you are not.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 17/01/2025 07:31

Don't bother explaining anything to her, challenging her or reasoning with her. Cut her off completely. You don't owe her or anyone else an explanation. Arrange alternative childcare and have nothing more to do with her. Keep your child well away from her. She's completely deranged.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 17/01/2025 07:32

Change what you DO.

Depending on your circumstances I would find a nursery or a childminder with a group of children and just enrol your little one there.

If asked, you and DH say that you decided that she needed wider socialisation with other children and adults. Join a babysitting club for evening babysitting. If challenged, just shrug your shoulders and say, ‘she’s our daughter’.

It is something to take seriously though. I encountered two women who massively overstepped the boundaries when my daughter was young (though older than yours and able to express herself). Suffice to say, judging by what came later, it turned out to be a huge red flag. (Daughter was OK).

Gunnersforthecup · 17/01/2025 07:33

Blue278 · 17/01/2025 06:44

Going to go against the grain here and say it needs more context. If they’re a family that does dark humour and banter it could just be her attempt at joking about how fond she is of your baby.
I have joked with my niece that her baby is so perfect I might just steal her away. Don’t mean it for a minute.

I wouldn't suggest to anyone that I would like to take their child away, even in joke and even to a family member. It has felt so creepy when someone has said that to me, even when it was meant in a sort of praising way to my little baby.

WonderingAboutThus · 17/01/2025 07:34

I would be extremely cold to any such unhinged statement.

"I am going to be her mum when you die." Ice-cold "wow", turn, ignore.
"Why can't I look after her instead of Y." - Raised eyebrow, no engagement.
When she wants to have the baby alone. - "No, that won't work for me." Strictly no exchange of arguments.

And so on.

Don't try and make them understand. Just hold the boundary.

whathaveiforgotten · 17/01/2025 07:35

Is your husband one of the people telling you that it's your hormones playing tricks on you?

NewFriendlyLadybird · 17/01/2025 07:36

Sorry. Didn’t RTFT. Must stop doing that.

Just tell your partner to step up and take over in the evenings. You don’t have to take time off work. But you should look at cutting down your hours, for your own sake.

Hanto · 17/01/2025 07:40

I wouldn’t give up work. Just use paid childcare offered by non-loons.

TypingoftheDead · 17/01/2025 07:41

Mummyme12345 · 17/01/2025 00:39

@Joyfulspringflowers I try to stop the comments but then I’m told I’m being silly and that it’s my hormones playing tricks on me.

It’s not your hormones, those comments crept me out and I’m not even a parent! It’s not up to her to decide who else can spend time looking after your baby, either.

FootstepAway · 17/01/2025 07:42

VashtaNerada · 17/01/2025 04:44

Do you have a will that says what would happen to DC if you and DH do actually die? I’d sort that out if not, just in case!
And then I’d just choose some stock phrases to repeat in those situations such as “No, she’s with Grandma today. Aren’t we lucky to have so many different people around her?”

Yes, was going to suggest this. Needs doing either way but maybe this will focus you to prioritise it... she sounds at best very socially unaware and unpleasant.

ChristmasGrinch24 · 17/01/2025 07:45

Then stop using her as free childcare? Quite simple really. Confused

FootstepAway · 17/01/2025 07:46

If people were telling me I'm silly to be upset, my response would be "either she really means it, or she doesn't and she's making it up to be dramatic and self-centred. Which are you saying it is, because either way it's not behaviour I will accept? "

Capricornandproud · 17/01/2025 07:50

OP - with respect - you need to grow a backbone here. You say if you say something it causes murders. Let it! If you don’t start being firm now and shutting down these comments and behaviours firmly and right away, you’ll regret it. There’ll be bigger battles and problems ahead with her and the rest of that family. Set your stance out now. I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my LO now, well meant or not.