My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

Each time she creates drama tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable and stop contact for a couple of weeks. Tell her that you will not be manipulated and there will be consequences each time she try’s to prevent others spending time with DD.

She's not a stranger so I doubt anything bad will happen.
However, don't allow your daughter to stay there over night, always pay her, thank her and call her a great babysitter.

Limit the times she babysits to a sensible no. of times per month and don't take advantage of her offers.
Suggest her as a babysitter to another of your friends.
Label her a babysitter and expect that she will act like one.

Don't inform her when you ask other family members to look after DD. Keep that private.

She adores your child. Does your DD enjoy spending time with her? If so, it's a plus plus.

The godmother should be someone of your choice but it wouldn't hurt for your DD to have two, or a couple as Godparents and her older adoring cousin..

Or just stop telling her (and others?) things so she doesn’t know what you’re doing and when you need childcare and who is providing childcare. If she asks questions just be direct and tell her you’ve made a rule that you’ll not discuss these things with her as she tries to prevent others having time with DD.

just be clear and boundaried.

She sounds very young. Those sort of comments usually come from teenage girls who are baby-obsessed but they outgrow it.

Perhaps don't make use of her baby-minding services too often from now on.

Do you have a will that says what would happen to DC if you and DH do actually die? I’d sort that out if not, just in case!
And then I’d just choose some stock phrases to repeat in those situations such as “No, she’s with Grandma today. Aren’t we lucky to have so many different people around her?”

I had to cut contact with a friend who was becoming very proprietorial over my daughter. She kept insisting we were family rather than friends, giving my daughter a different shortened version of her name and asking my husband to arrange video calls as she was kissing my daughter so much ( after I distanced myself). DH ignored the message.

due to working abroad and Covid etc she has met DD6 maybe ten times in total and is not a significant person for Dd6. She invited DD6 out for the day and DD6 was categorical she didn’t want to go without me. But I have two other close friends who DD goes off on little adventures or out to dinner and doesn’t even wave goodbye as she heads out of the door.

when we had our daughter and visited another friend and her family, it transpired that the friend was struggling with secondary infertility and during the overnight stay said that they would like to be guardians if we both died ( already have one in place) and that her son really wanted my daughter as a sister and said to her son in front of us “we could just keep her couldn’t we and they could have another baby” and repeated this in a text.

we kept our distance and saw them again when DD was three years old- the definitely didn’t want her then 😂😂

Missing not kissing.

This.

Obsessional behaviour. I'd be cautious

‘When you die she will be my baby’ wtf?!
This is outrageous and way out of order. It’s not banter and you’re not being over sensitive.
I echo what previous posters have said. Make other childcare arrangements. You can explain why, or not, it’s up to you.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

Well you need to stop this immediately, don't you?

This could turn really serious. Do you need childcare? If not I'd just say oh no it's ok .... whatever reason.

If she asks to have her she's not well, she's teething, whatever it takes to get this person to back off. And tell her straight.

if she says anything like that again I'd just be blunt and say "look, I'm not trying to be funny but stop making these kind of comments, your making me uncomfortable. You are not her mum I am, ok. Now stop"

Trust your gut.You can never go wrong with it.You are her mum,if alarm bells are ringing,they are most likely ringing for a reason.
Your job is to protect your baby girl.You don't need to explain yourself to anyone(especially those blaming your hormones).

You haven’t watched “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle“?

”when you die she will be my baby”
I don’t care who you are, anyone who says this to me I’m cutting them off!

This is very worrying. Whilst I believe that the more people love a child the bettering this is obsessive. I wouldn't have her near my child. And remind her and your OHs family your child is YOUR child.

When you die? What? No one says this. Back away from her but tell her straight that IF you die your baby will be with her DF not her! It's like she's wishing it.

My DM was raised in a household that was obsessed with her. It may not have been the thing that did it but she was a narcissist.

If and when she has her own child she will drop yours I bet. So that's a worry as well.

Going to go against the grain here and say it needs more context. If they’re a family that does dark humour and banter it could just be her attempt at joking about how fond she is of your baby.
I have joked with my niece that her baby is so perfect I might just steal her away. Don’t mean it for a minute.

Hi OP. When you say that:

'She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”'

does this mean that she says things directly to your friends and family to stop them babysitting?

If this is the case, you or your partner (preferably your partner as she is his cousin) must tell her that if she ever does this again, she will not be allowed to see your baby at all. This is completely unhinged behaviour on her part and I can't believe that your partner's family defends this behaviour and will turn on you if you don't allow this 19 year old to do what she wants with your baby.

If his family react badly to you stopping this behaviour and reducing/removing this 19 year old's access to your baby, I would stop seeing them as well.

You need to stop using her for childcare for a start.

You mentioned that the cousin looks after your baby in the evening whilst you're at work. Why isn't your partner parenting his child then? This should be his first priority and an easy thing to fix.

No you aren't. Her mother doesn't get a say. Whether she thinks you're oversensitive is immaterial.

Unless of course you mean that your OH won't go against his aunt. In which case, this would be a classic case of a OH problem.

Your instinct is that things are off. I’d listen to it. Sure, family could say the things she said are banter etc… However, her behaviour dispels that’s all it is by her reaction when others offer to look after your DC. Interesting they seem to pick up on it then when they back away. That speaks volumes.

Some family will likely kick off. They’ll say what they say but let them. This is your DC, your instincts and your choice.

It’s worth considering your daughter is learning attachment styles in these formative years. And you want them to be healthy ones.

When your OH mentions it to his Mum and she dismisses it and says you're being sensitive does he say "no Ellepff is not being sensitive but can't you see how bizarre, weird, concerning cousin's comments are?"

If he can mention it to his mother then he should speak directly to his cousin. No pussy footing about tell her straight.

You are going to have to let them turn on you! You are the protector of your child first and foremost. If your family defend this kind of behaviour then I'd be being careful around them too!

To be honest her comment "when you die" would chill me to the bone and I would seriously think "could she carry this out and harm me?"