My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

How often are people watching your daughter? Are you working full time?

I wouldn’t let her do any babysitting outside of work, and start finding another plan for work.

For her comments stop joking. Just say something rude and blunt. “That’s an awful thing to say” and if someone defends her say the same.

She is 19, with a partner still living at home with her parents. She has a full time job too but wants to spend her spare time with my LO. She desperately wants a baby but isn’t really in the right place in life to have one, so I understand in that sense my baby is the closest she’ll get to that for now but I’m so uncomfortable with it. It’s keeping me up all night. I mean it’s 1am uk time and will not sleep any time soon

You are not being sensitive… your OH needs to say to his family these comments are not on and do not say it’s @Mummyme12345 being sensitive as it’s rude…

Your OH needs to intervene and or get distance from the whole family, your whole post made me uncomfortable. It’s lovely his family love your DD but she has taken it too far

Get Either your family or childcare options to look after your DD if needed

ps I’m so jealous of a good sleeper baby

Do you have to be in the same house as her or can you avoid her?

She sounds totally unhinged and one step away from kidnapping.

DH needs to get her told directly and not via his Mum or (presume) sister.

@Mummyme12345 Read what I said. Tag me in your reply, tbh I gave you the best advice. Cut complete contact. Then police if need be. She’s a weirdo.

How often does she actually have your child and for how long?

Your OH needs to emphasise that it is not just you objecting to his cousin's comments, he doesn't like them either. I don't think there is any danger of her replacing you in your child's life but it feels unhealthy for her to be so obsessed. You may have to cope with less help with childcare, however.

Yes I work full time, I’m the bread winner so to speak in out of myself and my partner so I went back to work about 4 months PP, I run my own business and could see it failing in front of my eyes. My DH also works full time so our LO is either in nursery or with family. I work mostly in the evening so she would usually have her after work when the nursery is closed.

I have just had a discussion with my DH and decided to take 9 months out to spend it with my LO and he will take over most of the business, with a little help and guidance from me, this will then relive strain on me feeling like I need to accept the unwanted help to provide for my family!

this post and responses have helped me so much already!! So thank you

God my blood ran cold at "when you die she will be my baby" what an unhinged thing to say to a person! That's seriously disturbing, 19 is plenty old enough to know better.

I agree with PPs you need to start making you own plans and start limiting the time she spends with your child. It might be uncomfortable having less free time and childcare but that's the payoff isn't it?

WRT the godparent thing, pick a close friend and stick to your guns before she offs you because she thinks she'll get custody as the "godmother".

Are you and your partner from the same culture/background?

Yes god parents are chosen and set in stone thank goodness!

yes, I have plenty of support offered by others that have boundaries which is good, it just seems if I choose other options it’s the end of the world and I have the whole family down my neck. But the comments are getting worse and they need to be stopped.

yes myself and partner are from similar backgrounds but have definitely been brought up differently! I get told often that I don’t understand his family or their humour

Tell them it's for her own good as she's becoming obsessed and you're worried it will stop her going out and making her own relationships.

What do you mean down your neck?

Can you give specific examples of who does and says what?

That's not a difference in humour it's seriously fucked up behaviour on the cousins part and his family for condoning it

It sounds like your dh is supportive, with the update which is a huge relief as she sounds unhinged. The answer to when you die I’ll be her mum is ‘we have made a will and baby Sarah’s guardian will be my mum or my good friend, they’ve both offered and it would depend on their circumstances at the time.’ (Word them up, doesn’t have to be true) no more politely batting it away, and no more unsupervised time ‘your comments have upset me- you should know that good mums do not leave their baby with someone who jokes about the mum dying and about baby being theirs. It’s not a joke and it’s not funny, Sarah is my baby.’

Is it realistic for your DH to work full time and then run your business in the evenings? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to look after the baby in the evenings? Of else have more time in the nursery with you working in the daytime?

Anybody would find all this deeply concerning. I mean I find it concerning and I'm so old it would take lashings of HRT to make me hormonal. It's your OH's cousin. She is not even your baby's cousin and she's making outrageous statements about it being her baby if you died. I mean how can your OH not see how deranged or fixated his cousin is?

I wouldn't care what her family thought about not being left alone with her. Tell them that she's got so fixated on the baby that it's unhealthy. What 19 year old woman spends all her spare time with a baby who's a very distant relative and goes around saying if the baby's mother dies it will be her baby - conveniently ignoring that she's a teenager living at home and that the baby has a father too. I would be banning her from the house and rethinking your childcare arrangements. Your OH should be supporting you in this. You should both be putting your child's safety before his cousin's feelings. She sounds deeply irrational.

Absolutely not. This is creepy. I had a baby sitter like this and could not fire her fast enough.

she doesn't sound well in the head. and I say that as someone with mental health issues myself, carer to a schizophrenic husband, and plenty of mental health issues in my family.
the things she says are not normal things to say.

Just be so ‘busy’ she can’t come and babysit, if she messages leave her hanging for a few days. She can’t force herself on you to see your baby. You need to stop her being around your baby or this will continue.

I think you need to quantity 'quite a lot'. It sounds as if she is more or less your child minder and, as a result has grown very close to your baby.
Are you paying her or is she providing this service for free?
Unfortunately, it sounds as this situation has been ongoing for some time and whilst clearly unacceptable it is now normality.
Maybe she just wants to prove to you and everyone in the family how good and invested she is in looking after your baby.
To cut contact would be unfair on all involved including your baby but maybe try and cut down on using her for childcare, paid or otherwise.

Whatever it takes keep that woman away from your baby.
This all sounds very concerning, I wouldn’t leave a baby with her for any length of time. She sounds unsound and capable of anything.

I wouldn't use her as any form of childcare at all, however frequently or infrequently.

Stick to your guns. Her behaviour is over the top and weird. So what if your partner's family criticise or patronise you about your stance! Either just ignore them or tell them that you are the parent so will do as you see fit in the face of this odd behaviour which you don't like. Your baby, your rules! The end.

Is there any chance she is neurodivergent?
Another take is that she is young, immature, trying to show you she loves your child and takes the responsibility seriously, but doesn't have the social skills to know how to say this. Thinks she's saying it as a wry, edgy but loving joke and not able to pick up the signs that she's massively overstepping.

She is your child, not the OH's families. You call the shots. You don't owe them an explanation.

Seems like you have weak boundaries. Please sort proper childcare, esp for work. Seems like she has your DD an awful lot. Why is that? You cannot have things both ways.