My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

I would be very unhappy, and a definite no to this person being a godparent.
Definitely no to letting her look after your daughter overnight, You should challenge her when she makes comments- clearly her family don't for a quiet life.
The sense of entitlement this woman has where your daughter is concerned is completely unjustified, and frankly strikes me as unbalanced. I would reduce her time with your daughter wherever possible.
The" when you die she will be my baby comment" needs- " actually wishing someone dead for whatever reason is unbalanced, and makes me question ever letting you spend time with my daughter again".
See what she says, and if you are not happy with the response don't let her see your daughter again- better safe than sorry.

How old is she ? Is this a teenager or young adult or a full grown woman ?
Personally this would make me uncomfortable too , I would start distancing myself from her and avoid leaving the baby with her at all .

She's 19.

She's acting offkey. Her comments about you as well concerning death is weird. She's obsessed with your child and I would probably reign it in and reduce the contact gradually. If you make this woman godmother, she will be worse!

The cousin sounds mentally disturbed and potentially a danger to you and/or your baby. Cut contact now. Nothing bad might happen but how would you feel if she went off the rails and you or your little girl were damaged?

Practise saying kindly "With every respect, where my baby is is my business, you don't need to know" followed by ending the call.

as expected no reply from her but the whole family know about it already and had a few texts from other members of the family asking why I have changed my working schedule and that said cousin will loose money that she puts away to save to buy a house.

Ask them why they aren't finding work they can pay her to do, if they're that bothered. And surely they can find some friends she can babysit for?

She’s 19 and should be out working, studying, with her friends and maybe a boyfriend. What the hell is she doing looking after your baby this much?
I don’t know what relationship your OH has with his cousin, she’s not even his sister. The family “bond” should not be this level of rocking the cradle crazy.

So don't comment, just do it. Explain that you're lo is so fantastic thats it's only fair that other people get a share of her,

I think your partner needs to step up here and shoot that all down. Tell them that no she will not be god mother, that the babysitting won't be all her as that's just selfishness and you want the others in the family to be able to spend time with the baby too. Then limit when she's with your baby, if you have to go low contact do it because her behaviour isn't normal. What's to say that when she demands to be god mother that she doesn't try to get custody of your baby. She needs to get her mental health checked and until she does she's not getting any more time with the baby alone. Definitely you and your partner need to be on the same team. Let the others put up with her but you don't have to. It's your child and she needs her head checked.

PS - not related but what does she do for work, I just saw you said she works full time?

PPS - I also think the family is encouraging this because they want her out of their hair - she sounds like a needy, unhinged nightmare.

OP, it sounds like your OH is also concerned about cousin’s obsessive behaviour with DC, so clearly he is on your side. What the family think of you is irrelevant, what is concerning is the cousin. Honestly, you both need to make it crystal clear that cousin will not be having any further contact with DC. I would be very worried indeed given her comments, there’s clearly something mentally wrong with her and I wouldn’t let her anywhere near DC.
Your priority is your baby, and how cousin reacts to the ‘no contact decision’ is irrelevant.
You are the mother, the protector, YOU make the rules!!! For goodness sake ban cousin from any further contact.

Omg. Major alarm bells ringing. Stop contact right now. She is unhinged. Stop leaving your daughter with her. You are the mother not her. Reign it in now.

Cut contact with all of his family, Change the date and location of the Christening and do not invite any of them.

Be prepared OP for it all to kick off and get worse before it gets better now you’ve rearranged your work schedule. Hopefully not but likes of you being made out further to be the bad guy (after all the cousin did etc). Nippy comments via that side etc. If it happens…Just ignore it.
DH’s family don’t appear to have good judgement so be careful when DD with them that they don’t defy your wishes and allow the Cousin unsupervised access anyway.
With no to little contact hopefully the Cousin’s unhealthy obsession will wane. Plus it could be its the baby stage she has idolised. Once DD starts toddling and growing up that ‘playing with dolls’ draw could fall away. She clearly has a need in her your DD was fulfilling but even though young, those comments were not ok. Good luck and enjoy the Christening.

A mother's instinct is NEVER wrong! Trust your gut and do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your baby. Even if that means alienating all of OH family. Your child is your priority.

The whole situation and family are weird. Time to set boundaries. Forget about upsetting them. You're better off without them.

I work in mental health and with young people, and although she’s 19 and could be ‘young for her age’ my gut says she needs professional help.
At her age not understanding how she will love her own child in the same way is an alien concept for her. However the other comments are concerning and would indicate unhealthy understanding of boundaries and relationships, a genuine concern for me would be how much of a threat she sees you as and whether she would act on this.

I would advise not allowing her to look after your little one as this will increase her obsession with her, I’d also make sure that she is never alone with the baby. Family dynamics are hard but you need to prioritise yourself and your baby’s safety.

I think her family have over indulged her, perhaps because she is the youngest or even because she's grown up manipulating adults by having tantrums if she doesn't get her own way, so they say yes to placate her.

Your daughter only has you and her dad to advocate for her. The cousin sounds unhinged and if she is saying this stuff to your face i’d be concerned she might start doing weird things, either in front of you or behind your back. The comment about her having your daughter if you die and then wanting you to take steps to make that legally so (the godmother thing) is very concerning.

do you really have to rely on her to look after your daughter? I wouldn’t have her alone with my daughter after that, no way. This is the kind of person who will tell your daughter weird things when she’s older like “you can call me mum too”.

not worth my child’s mental physical safety

Forgot to add, the pack of wolves family shouldn’t be a concern of yours when it comes to your daughter. Don’t let them gas light you. That side of the family are responsible for bringing about and condoning this concerning behaviour!

I find the reply..

“what an odd thing to say”

is a good response to when people overstep without you coming across as too dramatic. Say it with a weird smile on your face and carry on what you are doing. When the family/cousin mention things such as you dying reply with this and try and shift the weirdness onto them.

because honestly they are insane

When they come back is "it's Your hormones" I would reply " There is nothing wrong with MY hormones thank you, but hers/yours are obviously all over the place"
when they say you are being Sensitive I would say I think you will find that anyone who hears these stupid comments from Your daughter / niece would start to question that person's mental health. These comments are not normal. Put it back on them. Whenever you feel the comments are getting too much I would keep saying about her mental health.
How old is she?
I would rethink the christening for the moment tbh if you haven't made any firm arrangements. Then distance yourself from her and anyone who queries it say
I think she is obviously going through some mental health problems with the comments she has been saying.
You sound as if you have child care help from others, I would use them more and if you can't go out because you don't have any care , so be it.

She seems incredibly immature to me. I think your DH needs a straight talk with her but I would definitely limit contact. No-one should be making you feel like this

Please listen to your gut here.

It is NOT your responsibility to provide this (presumably unqualified and inexperienced) teenager with child-minding work at the rate of £17 per hour, just because she wants to buy a house some day. If the rest of her family care so much about her financial situation, they can step up and employ her to wash their cars or windows or do their ironing or cleaning, or focus on getting the skills and qualifications to help her in her chosen career.

If any other paid child-minder said these things, most parents would stop employing them immediately. I'm glad your OH has taken your concerns seriously, and you've been able to find a way to change the situation and spend more time with your LO.