My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

You want to be careful she doesn’t teach your baby to start calling her mummy! It is very strange behaviour and I wouldn’t be comfortable with it at all. I wouldn’t just limit her time with your baby I would stop it altogether and only let her be with her in yours and your husbands presence and is all you need to say is she’s our child and your comments are concerning and have made us uncomfortable. Don’t feel bad about putting your foot down, this is your child not hers

And for spending time with friends.

It is not about excusing it, it is about trying to understand what is happening here, don't you understand that?

She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

How come everyone's lives are so enmeshed that you all know who is looking after your DD @Mummyme12345?

Do you all live on the same street?

Maybe you need to be less transparent about what is happening in your life.

That's a hell of a lot to put on him, his job and your business. When are you going to see him? When is he going to rest?

This.

Also when she say things like when you die she will be her child, tell her quite sternly that actually in the event of your untimely death she will be going to your mother or sister (if dh wasn’t about) let her know that your daughter has other family too that mean more to you and her than she does.

"If you love (baby) then you'll want her to develop good relationships with the whole family and our friends, not attempt to make everyone feel bad if you can't always be the one to spend time with her. So if you actually want to put her and her wellbeing first, stop doing that."

@Mummyme12345 the cousin sounds very vulnerable to me. She doesn’t seem to understand boundaries and she speaks in a very immature way.
Whilst what she is saying may seem really strange, could it be it’s because she doesn’t understand social norms? It certainly seems that way.

It sounds as if now she’s made a bond with your baby, she’s determined to keep it - almost to an obsessive extent. An example of this can be seen in some autistic people - who can form hyper fixated attachments on a person.
As ‘Autism Parenting Magazine’ explains, “yes, autistic individuals can hyper fixate on people, often developing intense and focussed interests in specific individuals”.
I’m not saying this is the case here but the intense thoughts and bond she thinks she has with your baby is totally out of the norm for someone her age. She should know the baby will never be hers and know that the things she’s saying are not the social norm. Which is why I’m suggesting the above.

Out of interest, job does she do?

i don’t think this is one of the times to “be kind” and think of the cousin and widerfamily. Not sure engaging with her is the way to go at all - no right thinking person talks about having the child when the mother dies in this way.

Obviously the major caveat is that non of us really know

@Fruhstuck i know right there cousins behaviour is sickening. I distance myself from people even family when they start acting weird. No one has power or influence over me. Dunno if they do over you

Yes, I don't understand that bit either.

Also maybe because neither my husband or I had family on tap but other than 1 very close friend doing occasional baby sitting or our nanny doing occasional paid overtime we weren't handing baby over to reams of other people. If I wanted to see friends he either came with me or his father looked after him.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

Why is DH’s cousin doing ‘quite a lot ‘ of childcare Are you paying her? Asking a teenage family member to look after a baby was always a terrible idea.

She’s young, with presumably no training and certainly no professional boundaries, which would in any case be blurred by the family relationship. She has clearly bonded with the baby inappropriately. While all very weird on her part, you bear some responsibility for leaving your baby with a teen who doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the situation in an emotionally detached way.

Quite apart from the issue that if anything happened to the baby in her care, it could tear the whole family apart.

The whole thing is very unwise and needs to be stopped immediately. You should distance yourself from her to break her attachment to the baby & put boundaries in place that should have been there from the start.

I think this would be hurtful and unhelpful to someone who has clearly bonded hormonally with the baby.

Those hormonal maternal bonds can be undone but only by radically cutting all contact.

I don’t think banning the comments is necessarily a good idea, what matters is what they mean to the cousin. If she’s the kind of person who always talks in hyperbole about everything they might just mean Ooh I love this baby! Don’t let anyone else to babysit, I want to every time, ha ha ha. Which is fine . If she’s the kind of person who says exactly what she means and literally believes that she has such a special relationship with the child that she is in effect her own child, that could be a serious problem.

Why are you pandering to the demands of a frankly quite unhinged 19-year-old? Her comments are bonkers and you say are only getting worse and more frequent? How can you feel comfortable with her looking after your baby... She'll be planning her getaway soon enough. I'm not even joking.

If you're not going to need her for babysitting anymore then you're going to have to be quite straight with her @Mummyme12345 . Unless you make it clear the cousin's going to keep visiting and trying to take over. Don't worry about upsetting your DHs family, your baby , your choice

Time to dial right back on the time she spends with your baby.

Put the baby in a proper childcare setting, and if asked, "Oh, we just thought it was time for baby to be spending more time with other children."

You say she has your DD a lot when you are working or out with friends. She has a relationship with DD that seems obsessive.can you make other arrangements, how old is she,if quite young sounds like she is playing at being a mym! You need to pull back a bit.

I've already commented on the situation but going to add, that I wouldn't want to be in this young woman's boyfriends shoes, if he ever decided to end their relationship. Her obsessive behaviour towards the OP's baby daughter, is similar to the behaviour a stalker would portray towards another person. It makes someone unpredictable and a potential danger.

Don't 'make your feelings known' just make other arrangements that suit you better.

Unless she is struggling with her mental health,id stop all future contact between her and your child. I do struggle with anxiety though, so I might be overthinking the comments but she sounds unhinged.

Agree and, to reiterate, don’t make it about her behaviour - it will massively backfire on you. Make it about your family’s needs.

I live in the real world, where relationships with other human beings are important. I certainly don’t choose to isolate myself by refusing to ever see or speak to anyone I feel is "starting to act weird". By doing that you are handing that person immense power over your life! But sure, you do you.

I’m glad you’re taking some time off; I would never let her be alone with your baby again. This is your precious child and you have to go with your gut feelings and protect her.
I certainly wouldn’t want a child to overhear her discussing your imminent death - it won’t be long before your daughter understands what’s being said around her.