My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

No response needed on those messages asking why youve made changes and yhe cousin was saving gor a house deposit. Theres other jobs she can take to earn money. Not your problem. Youve done the right thing.

Well done OP. Sounds as if you're sorting this out. Good to hear that your OH agrees that not making this a big thing is the way forward. Your family, your decisions and all that.
Enjoy your weekend.

@Mummyme12345 Well done! You are protecting your baby and your partners cousin comes across as highly manipulative and unhinged. Her comments about your baby being her baby when you die and the grief she gives your family and friends if they look after her are such big red flags Stevie Wonder wouldn't miss them and as for the rest of the family I agree with another poster to distance yourself from them too as they enable the cousin.

Also you should talk with your partner about what to do when you are around the cousin and the rest of the family because now you have restricted her access to your baby she will be pushing and trampling your boundaries when you are around her because no doubt she will take your baby off of you and won't give her back. Expect tears, tantrums and the flying monkey's to pressure you. Expect gaslighting, boundary pushing, jealous and territorial behaviour because it will likely escalate especially when you're standing strong and firm.

Already the manipulation and gaslighting has started with the comments about cousin losing the money to guilt you into allowing her to babysit. I would have replied "maybe she can do odd jobs for you all if you feel so strongly about it". Don't ever trust the cousin or let your guard down with her and keep telling yourself you are protecting your baby. I can only imagine what sort of venom she would whisper in your baby's ears as she gets older if she can be so brazen as to say what she has to you already.

As for the "its your hormones tricking you" comments thats blatant gaslighting in fact it isn't your hormones its your maternal instincts telling you something is wrong and not right with the behaviour so trust them

You've been sensible Op, your baby won't be little forever and now you'll get to care for her yourself. The cousin's obsession needed dealing with, no matter how much she wants a baby doesn't give her rights to yours. Ignore the family, at 19 she's not a DC to be indulged

Your hormones aren't something to be dismissed as 'tricking' you.

They're part of your survival and maternal instincts that keep mothers and babies safe.

Their behaviour is gaslighting because they're more sympathetic of their relative's wants than your and your baby's needs.

Well done op for advocating for yourself and your wee family. The money issue is neither here nor there as she can go find a part time job elsewhere - not your problem to solve.

Wow trying to guilt you into siphoning your family money into cousins pockets so she can buy a house is awful. Presumably you have things you would like to save for too and aren’t a bank. She can work for someone else.

Well done for sorting it all in a way that can just be “it’s so much better for us as I can see more of the baby”. Ignore the texts etc they are just fussing.

Not doing or saying anything sooner was purely because I didn’t know if I was thinking rationally or not as I’m often told by his family (mostly female members) that hormones are a huge factor of my ways of thinking.

This is just sexist bilge. Your hormones are a factor in your ways of thinking, but other people's are not? A woman who gives birth is just as able to think rationally as anyone else.

You are doing the right thing in protecting your child and limiting contact with the cousin. I would also be limiting contact with anyone spouting insulting and sexist nonsense like the above.

Well done @Mummyme12345 also those saying she’s losing out saving for her house - err, no. Plenty of other ways to earn to save. Not your problem and not your business.

"As for the "its your hormones tricking you" comments thats blatant gaslighting in fact it isn't your hormones its your maternal instincts telling you something is wrong and not right with the behaviour so trust them"

Absolutely agree with WickedWitchOfTheEast87 on that! And I'd be putting that point to any of your OH's family that pull that shit on you from now on.

Well done on the actions you've taken so far.

It's took me ages guessing what LO was. In the end I gave in and googled it .I wish people would just say what they mean instead of these stupid acronyms it's so distracting.

Well done op. This is the way to go.

If you don't make a big deal of it, it's a lot more difficult for them.

Re her losing money, it's not your responsibility, she can look elsewhere for employment.

few texts from other members of the family asking why I have changed my working schedule and that said cousin will loose money that she puts away to save to buy a house.

Boofuckinghoo. Well done Op.

Sounds very weird to me.

Trust your instincts. Always. Your partner needs to back you up too.

Sometimes you have to protect your children from the very people who are supposed to care for them, and for me, that was the toughest and most surprising part of parenting. Good luck.

I’ve not read all of the thread but she’s still young, is she young minded? Some of the things she has said are out of order, but does she mean them in the way she says them? I wouldn’t cut contact completely, as a child can never have too many people who love them. As the years go by hopefully she will grow up a bit and be a little less impulsive/demanding as she starts her own family etc. Maybe just take a little step back for now, and try to put some boundaries in place. It’s likely your daughter loves her too, so supervised contact will be good for a while

Stop allowing her to look after your child. Simple as that.

It’s really not you.

This is very weird, and inappropriate behaviour by her. How can the family not see this?

No wonder you feel so unsettled.

Your husband needs to see what she is saying as it is. He needs to get the blinkers off! It is highly inappropriate what she is saying!

Shut that down right now and establish boundaries. That is obsessive and could lead to her trying to take your baby. I know you don’t want drama but she’s obsessed and you need to shut it down.

I was on the fence about the first couple of comments made. Especially wondering if she would love her own children as much. I use to live with my sister (she was my legal guardian) and when she had her first baby, I looked after her every day whilst my sister went to work and uni. It was a genuine worry for me that I would love her more than my own children. Now I have my own, obviously I was just being silly and I love all my children and my nieces and nephews all for different reasons.

One or two comments alone could be taken as innocent but all of them together are really really odd. Since it is your partner’s family, he should be stepping in and back you that what she is saying and doing is beyond strange. If you have to cut her off and anyone else that doesn’t agree with you then so be it, it’s safer that way!

Find a nursery for childcare, stop unsupervised access. This is so not healthy on so many levels. She needs to accept you are the parents, you decide who looks after your daughter and I would tell her that having a tantrum when someone else holds or looks after my child will not be rewarded by having them more as a result. In fact I would make her the last resort on the planet bar the scum of the earth.

I would suggest telling her she will not be god parent as you feel she would lock your child away from everyone else in her life if anything happened to you and that she needs to accept she is not and will never be her mum.

@Mummyme12345 you really need to state her age for context. Is she a teen? Still in school? Or is she 35 or 40?

I think this young woman is really disturbed. She's obsessed with your LO and that obviously clouds her experience of reality. I guess she maybe makes pretend that your baby is hers? Out on a walk or in a playground? I would never-ever let her have my child again.

I am really pleased you’ve managed to find a way to protect your baby. It’s actually a lot more difficult when the dcs are older and autonomous. We have a current situation with someone, who managed to wheedle their way in with our mentally unwell dd, telling dd she’s part of their family etc. In the beginning it was meant well but it’s got so incredibly toxic. We are finally in a position to be able to put up a boundary up as dd is getting a bit better. We couldn’t risk it before and this person is kicking off big time. They over identified with my dd and has been actively trying to rescue her. Real karpman triangle stuff with me as the perpetrator and dd as the victim. Please don’t let your guard down with this cousin. She may keep trying.