My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

Stop responding. It's not her business.

I think it is extremely odd, and now I’ve read about the constant messaging even odder. I would talk seriously to the cousin, and perhaps her parents, and make it clear just how odd and unacceptable all this behaviour is. I would stop letting the cousin mind the baby on her own. What I wouldn't do is "go no contact", which is the thing I was originally reacting to. I don't like the penchant of some MNers for recommending frequently that people go no contact with members of their family.

I agree with what the others are saying but also be careful she doesn't just start turning up at your door unannounced. This has the potential of damaging your relationship with your partner too, if they don't speak up. They should be on your side in this. Children do get kidnapped and go missing at the hands of people who have been denied or can't experience motherhood. It does happen and is it be taken seriously.

Nooooooooooo. I am not at all paranoid, don’t run to the doctor, don’t mollycoddle my children and don’t helicopter parent but this post is setting off serious alarm bells even for me.

The cousin has an unhealthy relationship with your daughter and while I’m sure your daughter is safe she has said very physically harmful things about you dying and that the baby would be hers.

I would worry about your safety. Seriously and I am not an over worrier.

Start pulling back from her and Tell the cousin in a public setting or by text that you are looking for childcare with more socialisation opportunities for your daughter. Please write down what she has said and specially tell her that kind of talk isn’t acceptable to you.

Minimising your feelings by citing hormones isn’t helpful. Not hormones, serious concerns.

Agreed. Let's say OP came on here saying she left baby with the cousin elven though she's doing all these crazy things. Everyone would tear her apart for leaving her baby with someone unstable,.

Run girl ....you better run with your baby. Don't listen to other people's opinions, you're the MOTHER. Protect your child because there's nothing harmless about this behaviour. Wish you luck my darling! 💕

Only read the op

@Mummyme12345 start looking for new and better childcare. This is NOT healthy.

Seriously OP tell the lot of them to piss off.

Find your voice and use your words.

In your opinion not mine.
It has suited the OP to use the cousin for childcare and now it doesn't, not a nice way to treat people in my opinion. The cousin is emotionally vulnerable, she is not some axe wielding manic, she has invested in the baby and been allowed to do so to suit the OP, she deserves to be treated with kindness, not vilified.

Anyone that is practically wishing the mother dead so that the infant can become hers does not deserve to be treated with kindness and respect!

Nor be chosen as a childminder, whilst mum has a break to see friends!

Reminds me of The Hand that Rocks the Cradle where the psycho main character breastfeeds the mother's child so the baby will start rejecting the mother's milk...

Def don't use her for childcare from now on. Her comments are beyond concerning.
Your husband needs to be firm and put her in her place and let her know how wildly inappropriate and upsetting her comments are.
No unsupervised contact from now.

I have now stopped her from being with my LO alone. She messaged today to ask if she could take her out on Sunday which I shut down and told her weekends are for my little family to spend time together and I will no longer need her to look after LO in the evenings as I’ve changed my working times to days and left my OH to manage the 2 nights I usually work, so that I can spend more time with LO.

as expected no reply from her but the whole family know about it already and had a few texts from other members of the family asking why I have changed my working schedule and that said cousin will loose money that she puts away to save to buy a house.

I already feel so much better and reading so many replies that I am not crazy and not just having strong hormones alter my rational thinking.

OH has agreed in not making this a big thing as will only cause more stress!

although I’m quite surprised at the amount of replies that imply I am obsessed with my own life and she feels as if she probably needs to step in as mum as I am hardly around. This is not the case and I take my role as mum very seriously. But sometimes us mums need breathing space and I feel this helps the baby become less attached and more forward going. I don’t dump my LO on her to go out with friends (my original post was worded poorly) I have only been out with friends twice since she was born which is over a year ago, she is never left over night and is she priority over anything in my life.

not doing or saying anything sooner was purely because I didn’t know if I was thinking rationally or not as I’m often told by his family (mostly female members) that hormones are a huge factor of my ways of thinking

Well done 👏

Well done! Feels good to set and assert a boundary.

And as for those stickybeaks already picking and prying into why you're changing your schedule - it's none of their fecking business!!!

Don't answer any of them. None of them have a right to your private information.

(And she's already got a job, hasn't she).

Also op is not obliged to provide a top up income for the cousin.
I wouldn't be replying to texts etc for peace and quiet I think I'd block for a bit.

Absolutely! OP do not feel guilty for a single second you are completely in the right! Well done!

"My OH family are like a pack of wolves… as soon as I make my feelings known I’m being silly and the whole family turns on me"

"not doing or saying anything sooner was purely because I didn’t know if I was thinking rationally or not as I’m often told by his family (mostly female members) that hormones are a huge factor of my ways of thinking"

I'd be holding the rest of his family at a distance too. Anyone who does not see this 19-year-old's comments as a huge red flag is, frankly, as batshit as she is.

Agreed. Since they seem to think it's fine I would not trust them alone with my child. They are liable to have crazy girl hidden waiting for OP to leave.

My mother was fiercely protective of me, her only child. Once when I was 12 I had a teacher who bullied and mocked me. I was very quiet and bookish but she really had it in for me. I eventually near the end of term and the school year broke down and told my mother everything. School had already broken up and I was going to a new school so my mother hadn't raised it eith the school.

At some leaving function my teacher Mrs B, with a broad ingratiating smile came towards us. My mother gave her a very hard stare which somehow telegraphed the utter contempt she felt for her. Mrs B stopped midstride, wheeled about and took off in the opposite direction without my mother saying a word. I have always admired my mother for that.

Be my mother. She wouldn't have cared less for your partner's family. If her husband had suggested she was less than rational because of hormones she would have called him an idiot. You have a 12 month old, not a newborn.

There is no way I would allow your partner's crazy relative around my child filling her mind with who knows what. Remember what the Jesuits used to say which was along the lines of give me the child for six years and I'll give you the man. I wouldn't let her be an early influence on my child.

Who cares if the cousin is emotionally vulnerable? She's got parents - she lives with them. Your only and primary responsibility here is to your child. The fact they have convinced themselves that this lunatic behaviour is normal and you are being unreasonable is on them. I mean she told you that when you died she'd have your baby - a baby who is a cousin once removed. You can't reason with crazy.

Those other family members can hire cousin to do stuff. It's not your job to fund her house.

Good for you on saying no.

Well done you!
None of their business as to why you have changed your work schedule.
If the cousin needs money to buy a house, she is now free to find another/additional job; it is not your problem.

Am sure the family will continue to text you in the weeks to come but hold firm as eventually they will get the message. They do not have any rights over your baby or over you. I , personally, would keep my distance from them as long as possible. If you do have to see them then never leave your baby alone with them and make it clear that if the nonsense starts up again, you and baby will be straight out of the door.
Good luck for the future and thank you for the update.

Great update.
Mute the rest of the family and don't engage.

I still don't understand why your partner's family treat your child as a piece of baggage to be passed around or why they want this level of involvement. It sounds way too claustrophobic.

The scenario is really disturbing and I’m glad you’re taking it seriously. I’m mostly commenting to say I think that she and the other family members will keep pushing and you are going to have to keep on affirming your boundaries and distancing yourself. I think this could be potentially dangerous situation if this woman is allowed to continue.