To feel sad about comments on my hair?

[kindlypudding]

I know it's a first world problem, I know. There are people with so many issues that this seems daft, but here we are.

I have naturally very wavy hair, mixed with soft curls, that has a tendency to poof a bit. For decades I ironed it or blow dried, but in the past 2 yrs something has changed. I let it stay natural for a while during rough weather as got sick of fighting it and was absolutely shocked by how much my natural hair suited my face.
I suddenly adored it.
It took some time to repair, but started to grow and a lot of the frizz calmed down. I don't use a method, and don't wish to, but for the first time in my life I grew to love my natural texture and colour. However, by it's nature it is slightly drier and poofier than straight hair, I have the sort of hair that is very gossamer, fairytale-like, and fine, so it is a bit ethereal. This is good in some ways as it makes my face look softer, younger and nice, compared to the harsher effect of ironing it.

But since embracing it, I have had some odd comments that have left me a bit flat.
It's no one's job to lift me up, but I had honestly quit caring what anyone thought until this.
A few friends have either ignored it completely (and it is a very different look!) or asked if I should consider cutting it all off. One was surprised it was natural and asked had I had a bad perm . Another friend who I hadn't seen until recently said upon meeting me 'Awwww, we need to cheer you up and sort your hair out" (wtf)

Everywhere I go online everyone seems to want to get rid of hair like mine, so even though I have come to adore it, I am somewhat concerned that I am making an ass of myself. A few strangers out and about have actually complimented me, which really stood out!

And that's the mad bit, I really love it, I love the fluffy prettiness and how healthy it now is. It is sad that my natural texture is seen as 'unhealthy', since I don't use heat, eat a good diet and am healthy and fit.

Here is a pic of it, sadly in lamplight so doesn't show true colour (mid blonde). It is bra length and collar bone length at the front. It isn't a good pic as you can't see length or volume but it gives an idea of curl pattern and condition.

How do you get over this kind of weird attitude to your hair?

I would visibly bristle if anyone (supposed friend or foe) said something about needing to sort out my hair. That's so incredibly rude!

YANBU to be unhappy when people make rude comments about your hair or anything else. I think I'd have to retort back at gently correct the friends, at least. Make sure they know you're actually happy with your hair and they can keep their comments to themselves so they can stop saying thoughtless things. They really ought to know better than to make anything but positive remarks about a friend's appearance, but evidently they don't.

I don't straighten my hair. Never have, never will. It does what it wants, and I'm fine with that. Personally, I prefer a natural look, whether that's straight, frizzy, or anything in between.

I must admit that I often wonder if the women who pressure us to go straight are curly themselves. I've never known a straight haired woman to insult curly hair, even if they didn't like it.

I was called Poochy at school, but a few years later everyone was perming to copy it

Your hair is very like my DDs and it's lovely, ignore your unkind friends. I go natural now I'm older and grey, I used to have a bit of natural curl but my white hairs are straight, I miss the curls and bounce! Curls will be ultra cool soon, just tell your friends you are ahead of the curve.

Awwww, we need to cheer you up and sort your hair out

That is not a friend!

It looks really nice OP and I am a slave to the hair straighteners! I love curly hair and it's a lovely colour too, embrace it - I pay £120 every 8 weeks to have blonde hair! You are very lucky.

People are strange. My mum and I both have naturally curly hair. My Mum has always worked against her curls and wore her hair short and frizzy, then would make comments about my hair needing a brush and ask ‘why have you done your hair like that’ if I let it dry naturally. I mostly straighten my hair as I prefer it like that but also live my natural curls depending on my outfit.
Its probably jealousy OP your hair is gorgeous

So you used to straighten your hair & now it has a bit of a wave?

Can't see why that's really worthy of comment tbh.

From the pic it looks like mine if I plait it damp & take it out the next morning.

I wonder if they think that women 30 shouldn't have long hair?

this is purely other people's insecurities showing, don't let it bother you!

An old friend of mine gave me hell when I stopped dying and let my hair go grey. She made thinly veiled comments, mentioned how she could NEVER go grey, its so aging omg, etc etc all the while looking sidelong at me. I ended up with healthy hair w/a nice amount of grey, its actually flattering (as long as I don't pull it back in a ponytail-my temples are white and it looks like I'm totally white haired!). My hair was in terrible shape before and after I stopped it was so much healthier.

I never told her she was sporting what I call helmet hair, dry brittle and so unnatural. I just held my tongue and ignored her snotty remarks.

Fast forward a few years and she decided to stop dying her hair and gleefully told me how happy she was w/o the chemicals. I just smiled and said it looks GREAT dear.

Some people are dumb and rude and don't realize that words can knock our confidence. Try not to let it bother you, maybe use a stock reply 'it works for me' or fib and say you had allergic reaction to chemicals?

Lastly-do you deep condition and use some hair products? You might tweak your routine and improve your lovely hair* even more. It looks great to me as pictured.

*take my advice w/a grain of salt-too much conditioner and product might weigh your hair down, my grey is quite dry and requires it

You get over people's weird attitudes by growing older I find. Once I hit 50 and my menopause arrived, I truly, honestly, sincerely no longer gave a flying fuck what other folk thought about me. I'd wasted decades tying myself in knots for other people's approval when the most important person's approval was my own. That sounds like self help bollocks but it's true. I wish I could tell my younger self to not care as much.

PS your hair is lovely - not that you need my approval!

I was going to ask the same question, I am just under 40 and whenever I went to a hairdressers 20 years ago I'd ALWAYS get 'what lovely hair, have you ever tried straightening it?' My hair is probably thicker than yours but wavy/curly/frizzy naturally. And yes, the occasional time ive tried it looks dead and lifeless straightened, which apparently because I don't also use a fuckton of product on it.

Now all I'm seeing every where is 'curly girl method' and natural curls being 'in'.
So I think it's a generational fashion thing in that for ages everyone was straightening their hair and plucking their eyebrows off and painting them back on 3 inches higher. Now it's curly hair and big eyebrows. I'm fashionable now, only had to wait 20 years 🤣.
I think I'd practice a few responses along the lines of a breezy 'oh no, I love my hair now, it's more natural and its so much healthier since I stopped straightening it'

Imo straightening/perming hair is like using makeup. If you want to then go for it, but I hate the inference that if you don't like it you are untidy and not making an effort. They are optional things, not something you should HAVE to do to feel 'dressed'

Your hair is beautiful and it’s yours. Nothing else matters.

In the 1980s perms were everywhere.

You have my ideal hair shape! If I could magically have any hair, it would be like yours, except maybe more "strawberry" in the blonde, if it was absolutely perfect. It's like the hair in Pre-Raphaelite paintings ❤

No advice re dickheads though I'm afraid!

If you like it that’s all that matters really
I would personally get some medium thick highlights in it to brighten it up a bit

Your hair looks absolutely beautiful!!

I would comment on it but only positive things.

But your hair could look absolutely disgusting and I would never be as rude as to comment on it.

I know someone whose hair is very matted.
Its one big matt and so she can’t even brush it through.
She once had it unmatted professionally but it soon went back that way, so it’s obviously not something she doesn’t intentionally.

I often wonder why she doesn’t just have it cut short but I would never, ever comment on it as that’s just rude.

It’s weird isn’t it? British hairdressers hate curls or any naturally kinky ( in non pervy sense!) hair with a vengeance. One of my girls had natural spiral curls and as soon as she turned 10 they all kept suggesting it needed straightened either by heat or chemical means!! We‘re British white but were lucky enough to find a mixed race hairdresser who saw it as normal and could actually embrace curly hair and cut it.

I had thought that the ironing board straight trend had ended now, but perhaps not.

I think your hair looks beautiful.

I think highlights would dry it to hell, then I'd need more products and stuff.....It is a lot brighter in natural light, I really don't think anyone 'needs' highlights unless they want them.

I sometimes thought that the curly girl stuff forced people to go curlier, so encouraged people with wavy hair or slight curls to do loads of work to make it - basically - unnatural.
Surely a curly girl method (I hate the word girl, here, too) embraces all types and shouldn't force anyone to 'go harder'.

Your hair is absolutely lovely!

The whole "older women should have short hair" idea, really is a thing!

For my 40th my mother said that she wanted to treat me for my birthday and take me to the hairdressers. She knew that I trim my own (long) hair so I said thanks but probably not worth it for a trim, why dont we go for lunch instead. she said "But you will be wanting to get rid of that long hair now you are 40!"

She genuinely was horrified that I wasnt planning that. Oddly enough, now I am over 50, she has either accepted that I will never the woman she thinks I should be or (more likely) she knows I will ignore her so just keeps her trap shut about my whole look and raves about my sisters instead, but then my sister was always the respectable one. I think she knew the battle was lost the day I went round in my new pink docs and matching long pink hair, I was about 48 I think!

I've always loved my fluffy, slightly frizzy wavy hair. And, other people have often said I should straighten it/that it looked better when I used to straighten it.
What other people have said about it doesn't bother me, as it's the only part of me I've loved.

i was expecting grey or white fluffy cloud hair, your hair is stunning! Ignore any bad comments!

I’m allergic to hair dye after using box dye for years and now can’t use it.
i currently can’t cover any grey.
let’s hope none of the people who said that to you have that terrible fate bestowed on them!
Edited to say - OP your hair is beautiful. I would love it, mine is fluff and frizz.

Agree!

@Pebbles16 I'd be more ok with it if the layers would grow out so i could shove it all in a bobble. Oh well, maybe in time they will.
Pink sounds fun!!

I have similar hair to yours I love how soft it feels. I don't put any heat, dye or product on it because it looks good for about 20 mins and then is a disaster for the next few weeks. I have always been jealous of people with hair that has some weight to it, and who can put it in a decent plait.

I had a pixie cut after covid because it had been so damaged and have been growing it back ever since. Some days it looks good, some days it doesn't, but all I do now is wash and condition it twice a week.

I recently went to a new hair dresser and she said how healthy my hair was, and told me to keep doing what I am doing.

You're very kind <3
It does bother me sometimes, I am still getting used to it, and on some days it is drier and frizzier no matter what i do or treat it with. I think this is the nature of my hair, as healthy as it gets at my age. We need to stop seeing natural texture (fluff, frizz) as bad, because it is just a feature of our hair type, just like shine is a feature of straight.
No one worried about fluffy hair in the 70's, and no one thought of cutting curls off in the 80's.
I think a lot of the attitudes are simply trends and fear of not conforming.

I have never had anyone tell me my hair is messy or unprofessional, and I know a lot of women in professions with curly and wild hair. Surely that attitude is dying out now?
Whenever I see girls on town they are a mixture of striaght, wavy and curly. I do think it is older women who fear the frizz.