Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

[JandamiHash]

Original thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805

To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update.

So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?”

I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home).

Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil!

I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way.

PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

I’m obviously behind the curve on this thread but I’m astounded at the number of people who think the OP did the wrong things. I’m a bit of a pushover myself, which I’m trying not to be, and even I think it would be too much to have gone off after the party and ordered another party bag for someone you weren’t told was even coming to the party.

Keeping a few extra bits in case of stray siblings, I remember doing that when mine were younger, but that was when the party bag was one of those plastic efforts filled with various tat. Easy to do. In this case if I’d forgotten to RSVP I would just apologise to the host and my child and either say to the child “never mind” or get one myself.

All this “be the bigger person” stuff is all very well but as I’ve got older I’ve realised more and more that people who behave in an entitled way actually never appreciate others who don’t, or who help them out, they just take it as their due and never learn any different. They then just get what they want. So I see no benefit to the world in enabling this Amanda’s behaviour.

PS in case anyone needs more jacket potato tips, I bake lots at once in the oven and then put them in the freezer and microwave them when needed. Then they are quick to get but taste “proper”.

This has been one of the best MN threads in a very long time. Thankyou Amanda and @JandamiHash for giving me this saga to follow over my boring days at work and now I'm off for 4 days, prompting me to rewatch Motherland.
🥂

THIS. And this in part is why we have rules like manners.

The vast majority of people understand that if you don't RSVP to a party (whatever the reason, anxiety, disorganisation, your pet died) then you can't just turn up because it's RUDE.

If you do want your child to go (because you know you've let them down) the adult thing to do is phone up the host and ask if they can accommodate you at short notice and have a conversation about what is possible, accepting that you fucked up and 'no you can't come' would be completely reasonable. In this case that would have involved OP explaining there'd be no party bag and Amanda could get one herself ahead of time if she wanted to. Maybe when she was getting the £2 works colouring book for the birthday boy.

I have a friend with crippling anxiety who nevertheless just about manages to throw her kid smallish parties. If someone did this to her it would floor her. Why is the sympathy of the unkind posters reserved just for James?

My take is just there are some people who enjoy going on mumsnet to criticise women with boundaries. This place is super annoying in that women learn to have some self respect here and the OP is a great example of a woman with appropriate boundaries.

Respect needs to go both ways and bad, entitled, arrogant and aggressive behaviour is bad behaviour full stop. Everyone has stuff in their life they're dealing with.

Oh so it is a ‘thing’…did you find it made a difference? (Purina food). I find I react most to the litter tray (I ‘looked after’ a neighbour's cat when they were away some years ago…lovely little tortoiseshell…and got really ill re: the tray in particular). Apparently you can get self-emptying ‘covered’ ones too? I suppose, as you say a ‘suck it and see’ approach re: fostering could be a good first step

Also, I had NO IDEA there were so many jacket potato toppings. Thus far, my most exotic topping was chilli and cheese. My life will never be the same...

"the best bit is - his name is not Neil! "

My brother, an avid cat fan, tells me it’s possible to train a cat to use a human toilet like in Meet The Parents but I think he’s taking the piss 😂

"Have some compassion OP instead of laughing at their expense and enable the woman to source one herself
She can source one herself."

I suspect that if the non-RSVPing Mum had asked about a bag in more conciliatory tone , right at the start, then the OP may have sorted one out for her.

Or at least considered the idea.

There was some research done that shows that freezing cooked potatoes (and other carbs) first before reheating them turns them into resistant starch which helps reduce their effect on blood sugar levels. In other words, it makes them healthier. 😀

Did the research mention the same goes for chocolate by any chance??

Mob mentality 🐑 It seems you can’t dare to disagree, or even try to get people to loosen up their strictly sanctioned ‘everyone should act like this and be sure to conform to the rules of high society (around kids parties!) oh and yeah, eat sausages’, behaviour. And woe betide you have a laugh. You may be coyly called out in cosy acronyms…seems I’m a ‘cheeky fucker’ (oops that’s rude, I mean a cf). Nice 😊

Excellent. Easier AND healthier. Relatedly (possibly), apparently you shouldn’t keep potatoes in the fridge because it generates sugars and means they are more carcinogenic when roasted 😮 (I keep mine in the fridge anyway).

Yes, you imagine.
That's all it is though, your imagination. Being real, it's a damning criticism of someone you have never met, presented as a lofty observation.
How arrogant.

The irony of chiding another over social grace by spitting something like that out.

Now THAT would be a cat worth having 😁

Apparently you can get self-emptying ‘covered’ ones too?

This is what we have. An old style one rather than those big round things. You have to use crystal litter to stop any smells in it (to stop any smells) which is a bit more expensive than regular litter, but it's great. Cat does his business. Leaves. Then a few minutes later the rake thing scoops any solid bits into the end compartment to be emptied whenever you think it needs it. You can buy disposable trays that you just bin rather than empty so there is never any need to touch the contents.

I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no point in having RSVP if people think it is ok to ignore it.

RSVP has always been used because needing to know numbers is important. It does not mean only reply if you are going to answer in the affirmative . Or ignore if you will. Respond, regardless

It means you are expected to answer with ‘Thank you for the invitation. Regretfully, I will not be able to attend ‘
or ‘I would love to attend/ will be delighted to attend ‘
Words can vary according to the type of event.
Not to reply was always ignorant and bad manners.

If attendance or not makes no difference, then a simple invitation without the addition of RSVP is used.

The person sending out the invitations should not have to chase people up that are too lazy or ignorant to reply. That is negating the whole point.

I eat frozen Mars bars. It doesn't work on those, unfortunately. But it's definitely worth experimenting with other types IMO.

😱I keep mine in the fridge too. Wait, so does freezing previously-refrigerated potatoes after cooking just turn them back into normal high-GI potatoes?

To me setting boundaries and a generous approach are combinable. As in, yes, I would at this point get the party bag extra for the kid, meet the mother and try to smooth things over, she might be surprisingly apologetic and say oh my god I have been so crazy over this, I'm sorry, I was disorganised, then we did turn up, then I was worried he didn't get a bag as he was upset, then I felt you were ignoring my calls and texts, and it might even herald a better relationship with her. If she acts dickishly when you have reached out again, then fine, and completely avoid. But I feel like the energy to pursue pages and pages of justifying yourself and explaining what happened, means that it does matter to you, so I think it's worth taking those few minutes to reach out. Yes there are entitled fuckers in this world, and it should be the case of 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice etc', but I think the situation, given your sons are in the same class and will be for some time, at least warrants a brief adult level clearing the air.

I mean that the cost of reaching out is only 10 minutes of your time, then you more or less have a yes/no resolution to this

And so Amanda's terrible behaviour gets the result she wanted, time after time after time. She thinks she's the alpha mum and sees @JandamiHash as a beta mum who should do as she is told. Sadly for her she's found out that's not the case and she's come up against someone who doesn't allow herself to get pushed around.

maybe next time Manus gets invited to a party she will actually rsvp.

upon turning up to a party without having rsvpd you don't brazen it out and try and make the hostess feel bad complete with a very crappy gift; you apologise profusely and prepare yourself to go home. Well you do if you have any class anyway.

Oh no, they’re a genuine thing! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Training-Upgraded-Universal-Reusable-Replaceable/dp/B0D76MGVSP/?encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=oQXEN&content-id=amzn1.sym.a4ac6c4d-6ae7-4d95-b5e0-812c9dcfc72e%3Aamzn1.symc.fc11ad14-99c1-406b-aa77-051d0ba1aade&pf_rd_p=a4ac6c4d-6ae7-4d95-b5e0-812c9dcfc72e&pf_rd_r=HQTJ6T6GWM7ART1WCKGV&pd_rd_wg=VrNqQ&pd_rd_r=b3ec595b-7b22-4b7d-a6b9-3467245c7230&ref=pd_hp_d_atf_ci_mcx_mr_ca_hp_atf_d

Gosh maybe the world is all fairy cakes and daffodils after all! 😁 Seriously…I love cats and can’t have one, but food that can ‘lessen the blow’ and disposal systems like this rather than stinky dangerous trays (I and my kids get asthma/hives/red eyes etc) sounds like a Utopia of possibility yay! Something actually works! 🎉

😱😱😱