Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

What a load of rubbish.

Of course you can decide who to invite and not to a wedding.

@Aussierelative - hope your conversation with your sister goes well and that the discussion with the bride & groom go well too about this issue.

And they decided not to invite her or any of the other cousins. If they allow her and not the others, whom they may be closer to, they may be offended. Better to stick to the original plan.

There are bound to be some last minute cancellations with such a large list of guests. I wouldn't sweat it. Surely there will be a space for one more. At my own wedding (which was smaller than this small wedding) I had two unrelated cancellations so I would have been grateful for one extra guest turning up by surprise. And it will be a surprise, right? You haven't been properly told this. Rumours don't count.

What spiteful people are you. They are looking forward to coming watching your daughter marry . But all you can think is how to be extremely nasty and uninvited thier daughter. If it was vice versa, you would be so angry. Gosh how I dispise people like you. The marriage won't last very long. Your daughters bitterness will seep through and he will leave her.

🤣🤣🤣 How is she spiteful? She wasn’t uninvited, she was never invited in the first place. The niece wasn’t singled out either, none of the cousins are invited because of numbers.

Height of bad manners of aunt to presume she could request her daughter be invited.

The couple need to tell people that they can’t just turn up as there is no room for additional guests. Make it clear to your Dsis that they have 2 places for 3 people can can use them how they see fit. Maybe the BIL would enjoy a round of golf instead 😂

you know in your heart they are all going to turn up on the day so you need to run interference and send one away. It’s not their wedding. Their child is an adult.

I can’t believe this is even a question! They’re travelling from Australia! Invite the girl to the wedding!!

Why are people insisting your dd invites her? There may be an absolute maximum of 60 seats for the meal and also if you invite one then the rest will feel put out that they weren’t also invited.
We have family travelling from Canada for our wedding and have said no children, if they showed up with their children there would quite literally not be space in the room for them.
It’s your dds wedding and it’s upto her who she invites. It is HIGHLY unreasonable and downright rude to just assume you can bring someone who wasn’t invited and hope they can make it work.

I would let them bring her over but not to the wedding even though she's over here. Theyll just have to book an hotel or stay at another relatives if they were going to stay with you. It would be a good chance for her to meet up with other relatives while here but definitely not the wedding. No one should be bullied into letting her go either. They bring her on the knowledge she'll be alone and if turns up at the wedding then turned away.

No. I'd dig my heels in further. Perhaps she can attend the evening reception if there's room, but not when you are already excluding people they actually want there...
Dsis needs to accept she can't invite dd to events that aren't her own.

The wedding invitation was just for the uncle and aunt. It was an invitation not a summons. If DN attending too was a condition of the uncle and aunt being able to come, then they needed to decline the invite.

The woman getting married has next to no relationship with DN and presumably is only inviting the uncle and aunt out of obligation. The bride’s other cousins who actually live in the same country, aren’t coming because of the venues numbers, it would cause noses to be out of joint within both sides of the bride and grooms family if DN were invited and the others not.

This family are coming from Australia and would like to bring their daughter who has mental health issues to the wedding. You are not especially close but don't mention any falling out either.
I think it's mean spirited of you to not make an exception for one family member coming from Australia with her parents.
People get very caught up in wedding arrangements but looking back, one extra invite is not a big deal. There will surely be some no shows and it's actually quite nice for someone to WANT to be there when you'll have a certain number who might not be arsed at the last minute.
I think you would regret not extending this curtesy in a few yrs time. There are people I omitted, out of forgetfulness and I regret it. If they do not come it's fine but it's good to have made the gesture to welcome them I think.

We had a wedding where cousins, were not invited bu one that had travelled from abroad with parents was. Rude to do otherwise, just explain to the wider FA mil. They should understand

Being a decent thoughtful person is not insisting on taking your daughter to a wedding she has not been invited to!

She loves you enough to come all that way to see your daughter get married but you don't care to see her daughter who also has mh issues. What kind of a family are you?

Depends on exactly what the “Mental health “ issues are, @Aussierelative .

Is she liable to be a massive pain ( Eg getting rip roaring drunk and aggressive?)

That would be the only reason that most people would want to avoid someone turning up-
But if she’s quiet and passive, no trouble.

This makes a difference If the Groom’s cousins can’t come , it seems daft that a cousin whom the bride doesn’t even get on with gets to eat and drink at their expense.

@oakleaffy I'd rather not go into the specifics on the MH but just to say DN has been quite troublesome at family events in the past. However the issue is really the lack of a meaningful relationship with DD. As I said upthread, we have established that she is coming over with her parents for a holiday. My DD and her fiancé will make the final decision and that won't be for a while. Hold the date has gone out but the formal invites will be sent in about 6 weeks time.

I think that if DSis mentions that she would like her dd to attend I would say that would only be possible if someone drops out at the last minute. When dd2 got married a family of 3 were unable to attend as their dc was ill. I'm not sure if there was another non attendance but dd2 would have been delighted to fill their spots.
I'm pretty sure other cousins would understand the special circumstances and fitting an extra one in the evening should easily be doable.

They can see her. She’s just not invited to the wedding because she’ll be taking up a space of someone the bride and groom are actually close to? Not sure why she needs to invite someone to her wedding just because her mum and dad paid for a flight and rudely assumed she can gate crash.

Wow I can't believe you'd treat your niece this way, I see why your DS lives in Australia 🤷‍♀️ probably better you just uninvite them and go no contact, life's too short for made up drama.

You should have made it clear to your sister that there would not be an invite… she’s being a CF and you need to put her straight.

This

It's her niece. I do understand your point but sometimes being understanding to someone else's issues is more important then making a fuss about something that really isn't important. It's one person..she's family. It really won't change the day of the wedding. One extra person being there.

They aren’t close though. If they’re having to exclude closer family members for one that’s been forced upon them then that’s completely wrong. Dsis wasn’t even decent enough to have a conversation with the bride and ask for an exception. Just booked the tickets and planned to gate crash . I would be doubling down and telling them they’re all invited to the evening only. How bloody rude. As if enough people don’t stick their oars in when planning a wedding as it is.